jpenseur; Introspective Personal Journal, Poetry, and Anthology.

I'm sorry for being another problem on top of what you are already dealing with. I think if I truly love you, I would be selfless enough to let you live a life without me in it. 

I'm sorry for being another problem on top of what you are already dealing with. I think if I truly love you, I would be selfless enough to let you live a life without me in it. 

When you left me, apathy became my best friend. It held me tight on days you wouldn't. It kept me grounded when you made me feel like shit. Apathy helped me realize, you are just some placeholder. Apathy is my best friend.

Dear reader, I feel so overwhelmed right now with all the changes happening in my environment. I know I'll be able to adjust, but I worry, at what cost? My mind feels like heavy rainfall. Droplets that are too hard to keep up with. So disarrayed. I'm lost. All I can really do is look the part, but I'm miserable. I'm lonely. I'm drained of spirit. Regards, Jpenseur

I don't know what's happening to me. I feel like I'm turning into a monster. When I think of you I just feel so off. Like the thought of you disturbs me now. I was like starting to feel fine again, embracing apathy, but then you find some way to dig under my skin. I don't know, that's just where my mind is at. Emotionally, you have been feeling very draining.

People are so exhausting.

I'm in despair that it doesn't bother you more that we aren't talking. For me, it's unbearable, but I do it for love. All I want to do is make you happy. What I can offer is a life worth living for the two of us. 

I don't want to reach out to you because when I do, there's no real effort to reciprocate. Reaching out is starting to feel like a chore, and I also feel like on your end responding is starting to feel like it too. I knew from the start that this relationship wasn't going to last that long. Whatever, I don't need anything from you. I don't need anything from anyone who takes away from my peace of mind. 

I don't want to reach to people anymore. I realized if someone wants my attention, they let me know. I can't be chasing affection, like I don't have any. If people want you they show you. 

I guess it just sucks this bad because you showed me a future I was willing to dive head first into. I saw a beautiful glimpse of a healthy committed long-term relationship. 

The outward image of silence and peace of mind. When pieces of my mind fall apart. Screams of 'how stupid can you be' tear the vocal cords of my inner self. My eyes glossed over like how water dries outside. A white film of disappointment covers my cheeks. My mind glossed over warnings and signs. Miscued ideas of identity and boundary, I fell into the arm of my idealism. In its tender arms, it dropped me, and I cried like a baby. I walk around in search of happiness. Strides steady, focused on my steps. Endurance was never a problem, but lately, I've been out of breath. Overwhelming feelings of solitude blocked my windpipes. My heart and soul are at an inconsistent pace.