Every time I see you, I feel like you are punishing me. I have been trying to avoid you not because I hold any sort of disdain for you, It's because you hurt me even when you don't intend to. 

For days now, I have been wondering why I'm left so unbalanced. My mind and soul feel a glass of water knocked off a side table. I did a bit of research just to find out exactly why I was feeling this way and concluded that its likely burnout. I feel absolutely depleted and shattered. I have had terrible thoughts about life. I've been in states of despair and hopelessness. I have considered and rationalized options that will disappoint people in my life. I am just so exhausted; thinking just feels like torture. I would happily be snow white if someone gave me an apple. To be in deep slumber and to wake up to all my dreams come true; sounds like bliss. 

I lose my love of writing when I start thinking of it as grasping at strings toward success. I put too much pressure on myself to create this meticulous business when really, it's an art. I always revert back to thinking about revenues when I feel so deeply saddened by the idea that my life will not amount to anything. I just want to be able to provide and take care of the people I care about. I don't want them or myself to worry about the material aspects of life. I want to cover it all so that they are able to cover all their dreams and aspirations.  

I didn't realize that there was so much at stake if I failed in the future. It terrifies me to the core. 

   I feel like I'm not worth many people's investment. That's just how I feel. I wish I could change that, but I think that would mean changing me, and I don't really like the idea. 

  Nothing is more intolerable than someone pretending to tolerate you. 

I just need time to digest everything that I'm feeling.

I subconsciously let go of my responsibilities when it all gets too overwhelming, which has negatively affected my interpersonal relationships. I wish I were more resilient, but I feel like overly stretched metal, brittle to the touch. 

Today, as I was sitting, I thought about every way I could fail, which induced this unexplainable sort of nausea. The kind where I want to throw up but not needing to. It's because lately, there's been so much to responsibilities and expectations, and I'm overwhelmed. The worst part is I feel like I'm not making any sort of progress. Everything has been piling on, and it's taken quite a toll on my self-confidence. I just want to be someone that can handle anything and everything you know. One misstep in my responsibilities makes me feel like I'm failing myself and the people I care about. I know well enough that I'm competent and everything on my plate is doable, but I can't seem to dodge these waves of sadness and anxiety. 

Nothing is more infuriating than people resorting to fraudulent activity to make money when they are more than capable of making an honest living. People who scam others out of money earned through blood, sweat, and tears are simply unfeeling. Scammers don't realize the gravity of what they do. They quite literally ruin lives, especially in a society where money makes things turn. There's no justifying what they do. They know what they are doing is wrong and yet made the conscious decision that monetary gain outweighs ruining people's lives. I hope for a world that punishes evil intent. 

You do not have power over me. I don't recall a time ever giving permission to judge how I act. I know I'm not hurting anyone. I know what I'm doing. I know it's good for me. I don't need you to treat me like I'm your project. When I mind my business, manage your own. Do you think I care if I don't please you? Definitely not. The fact that you feel privileged to tell me when I should or shouldn't be doing something irks me. Your presence is nothing but a nuisance. I see your eyes so heavily fixated on trying to hypnotize me into bending to your will; the only thought that runs my mind is how much of an insane person you really are. Don't try to nitpick how I am when I can easily unravel what type of person you are. Don't dissect me, and when your entrails can be seen from a mile. Don't fix me when you got a few screws loose. What I'm trying to say is, don't control my life; control yours. We all just have one for a reason. 

I'm afraid I'm slowly turning into a  monster. I have so much anger inside me that sometimes It feels like It will just burst. It feels like unexploded ordnance, buried in all my overthinking and unpleasant interactions. It starts as frustration and stays that way until I eventually find myself pleading for a solution. When left with silence, my frustration morphs into a vicious flame of anger. I become very sensitive; agitated by everything. I put on a smile even though I'm screaming in my head. I've been thinking about what has been fueling these flames, and I realized that it's everything and everyone that's been abusing my kindness. What makes me the angriest are the hypocrites who say they care for me but harm me all the same. My soul is deteriorating, and this anger and agitation have been its way of self-preservation. For the past week, I've had to choose between being around people and being angry or avoiding people and feeling lonely. My brain prefe...

I'm totally fine with being wrong. Everyone is wrong at some point in their lives. What's upsetting is that people are quick to dismiss you without having proper footing. I don't understand that; it's so messed up. Prove to me that I'm wrong. Prove to me that you have the knowledge and the skill to put me down. The idea that people find satisfaction in making you feel less-than is disgusting. I'm starting to understand why sometimes I'm not too fond of people's company. 

Dear Machiavelli, I struggle to comprehend why you think your actions are permissible. You take my kindness like gum. You chew through my tolerance and spit me out after your gains. Victims love you. Blind to your deceit. I am at a deficit. I watch you with evil eyes and a conscientious mind. Cautious indifference. No hex, simply the pleasure of knowing that one day your lies will catch up to you, providing a punishment that is far worse than my disbarring glares.

There are just people who always feel the need to correct others and tell others how to act and do. I get that; that's just life. I accept that, but I can't dismiss tonality and social awareness. Those things matter too! They probably count more than your trivial corrections and idealisms. I hear what you say; I never listen. I don't give it energy because it's your job to ratify your pride, not mine. 

Hey, I have been finding the past days, weeks, and even months difficult. I need some sort of closure. There's been one incessant thing that's been bothering me. So I'm just going to ask you one question.  Do you want me to love someone else? 

  Why would you ask me questions like that? How can you be so unfeeling? Why would I want that? You know what I want. Leave me alone with your nonsense. 

  How about just looking at me? Can't you even look? Am I that distorted, disfigured? It's like a permanent marker, "undeserving," carved on my temple. Don't you care enough? Fine. 

  I can't stop thinking about you. 

I hate that you make me hate myself. I hate that you don't even want a conversation. I hate how you brush me aside and tuck me away. You make me feel invalidated and undeserving.