What's really been on my mind is you.  Well...I guess the idea of you; being loved by you. More generally,  the idea of being loved. I hate that you give me affection; just to retract it later. I can't blame you because you don't know or care enough. I love you sincerely, with so much heart. The sudden abandonment. The saddening isolation... intrusive reflections. What's really been on my mind is you.  Well...I guess the idea of you; Heartbreak makes loneliness bearable. More generally,  loneliness is unbearable.

Invisibility. A part of me. The unfortunate calling of apathy. Trudging life unnoticed. Judging life for the quiet. Ability. A part of me. The fortunate realization of fantasy. Trudging life unbothered. Judging life for peace.

A reminder to remember; you have so many people that love you. If you disagree, remember that this momentary loneliness is just a segment of the bigger picture. Company comes at unexpected moments. Lingering in the stark white of winter, in the flowers of spring, in the heat of summer, and in the yellowing of fall. Smile in the face of the devil.

From someone else's perspective, I'm probably the most well-adjusted, well-liked kind of person. Little do they know I'm like a bottle afloat in the middle of the ocean, drifting, waiting for someone to come along and enjoy the messages I carry inside. I'm as lost and hopeful as any other person. Furthermore, I get scared that at any waking moment, I'm not above water. 

I dreamed of driving a baby blue vintage convertible. I had beautiful beige roofing and classy silver detailing. I remember going down this movie-Esque road on a picture-perfect mountainside with no traffic in sight. I saw unending greenery on my left and towering boulders on my right. The scene felt amazing and surreal; I didn't feel tethered to any expectations and pressures of everyday life.  It was bliss because I felt free. I woke up drooling, not because of the luxury but because I felt light. For a couple minutes in that dream, I didn't have to carry so much. 

Today I feel detached from everything, indifferent to being completely present or not existing at all. It's something adjacent to feeling lost, a little more tragic and severe, Feeling like there's a future where no one will love and care about me. 

I enjoy writing.  Sentences give me joy.  I feel enamoured by how words flow, It is like a warm shower. Comforting.  It feels like droplets jubilantly dancing on my soul. I love how the sounds play in my ear  and how words seem to catch me in a game of tag. I love how definitions build mountains in my brain and how I build bridges to cross.  I love that I get to venture, And catch people's eyes.  I enjoy writing. 

Sometimes you're just not part of the same puzzle box. 

It's like I'm holding back a burst pipe. I'm tired of trying to make sure that not a single drop of water hits the floor. My hands tremble at the sheer pressure. Trying to show an outward appearance of "I'm okay." It's sad. I'm soaking in anguish. Wet from tears because idealism broke up with me. I don't even know if there's an end to this leak. Will it eventually run dry? I feel like I'm drowning.

"You miss someone that loved you so much you didn't have to love them back." Beautiful and Tragic.

Those who despise your authenticity are wolves in sheep's clothing. Their molars come out when you explore beyond what you know. Their eyes go green because they cannot comprehend your world.

  I don't know what to feel about you anymore. It feels like something adjacent to love,  one where I settled. A little more lonely, A little bit sad, But a lot more freeing. So, I guess it's not too bad. I don't care anymore about whether I cross your mind.

Actualization is turning me into a demon. The few things I kept close; all ended in disappointment. Everything feels like it's washing over me. "Good," I thought.  Drown me in sorrow.  Water, one-hundred degrees celsius. Scold me for failing to see. Cleanse me for being "Bad." Make me a new creation.

  I just don't understand it.  Any more,  and I think it's fatal. It's just you seem so pink. A feeling unlike any other. Clinging to my heartstrings.  Authentic love. Sporadic bursts of irrationality. Acts of impulsivity. Hints of sensitivity. Bitter jealousy.   Unforgiving Sadness. The perpetual idealistic feeling that, you want to be with me.

I no longer feel an ounce of attraction to you.  You can finally rest assured that I will never fall in love with you ever again.  You showed me a part of you that is too strong a rouge. I realize that I add nothing to your life.  I made that observation on that fact. You make an effort if it counts.  I'm not blind to situations. I'm not worth it.

  I hate to say it, but I'm on my last ounce of magic; I don't want it to go, but all you've been doing are tricks.

  When you love someone, you make sure you do everything in your power to spend time with that person. When you love someone, you understand their life; and how busy things could be. They can't always be there even if you want them to.  I hate the latter, but I love you.

  I know I love you because I seek you.  I know I love you because I miss you.  I know I love you because I'm unyielding.  I know I love you because I'm determined. I know I love you because I'm forgiving.  I know I love you because I'm overthinking. I know I love you because I'm transfixed.

Days move along, and I miss you less and less.  I don't try to look anymore, though I still anticipate.  I'm no longer excited when we are in a room together.  I'm nervous but in a different way. I guess you could say that I'm no longer fond of you. I'm now terrified; I don't know how to approach you. I'm falling out of love; sorry if that isn't what you want deep down. I took your words hard; I took your words like fact. Hard slap to the face. You're left alone with the consequence of your actions.

Friends.