"Be unassuming. Otherwise, you'll cry."

A space to think, reflect, and diffuse.

Me — i.e, jpenseur
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This space is a refuge for when the troubles of life fester. A space to think, reflect, and diffuse. This blog is dedicated to helping me stride through the nuances of my everyday life. Dear reader, If you stumble on a piece of my writing that you resonate with, I hope you find comfort in knowing there are parallels in our human experience. No person is alone in what they see,  hear, and feel. As I cope, I hope you do as well. I share with you my vulnerability in hopes that you find consolation.

I write to deny myself of acting irrationally and ruining relationships. I write to accept that things don't always go how I want them to. It's important to preserve against the external, but I think it's also equally important to persevere against internal parts of ourselves that cause harm.

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Sound advice

Me — i.e, jpenseur
How can someone expect you to treat others with kindness if you can't treat yourself with kindness?
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Vincent van Gogh

Me — i.e, jpenseur
Skeleton with a cigarette. We talk with no regret. My heart beats fast in a fishbowl. Yours evident from bone to bone. You bring joy from unexpected places. From texts to peculiar faces. I took a smoke to make some time. To wonder whether your question was benign. I go through the same eb and flows. The question of, am I in love? Or is it just the smoke?
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Meaningless weed extremely root bound in your flower bed of perfect people.

Me — i.e, jpenseur
  Lately, I've been feeling extremely aggravated by how you've been acting. On the few occasions where we can interact, you make an effort to be avoidant. Why is that? What's the point of you being around if we aren't even trying to bond or get along? Am I just overthinking this? Am I simply jealous of what others have with you? You know, I've been very insecure about how I should go about approaching you; it feels like any wrong move will split us farther apart. I know you don't hate me, but I hate this stagnation in our relationship. The root of all this frustration is I can't seem to connect with you, and any effort to try will only make things worse. On top of all that, I think you're purposeful; and the knowledge of my fragility does not bother you. I started feeling like you don't want me at all in any context, like I'm a burden, worthless, just some meaningless weed extremely root bound in your flower bed of perfect people. I feel like an ...
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The Martyr

Me — i.e, jpenseur
I am always apologizing for my feelings. Always giving more than what's good for me. Acts. Always the martyr. Someone who is never at fault and always devout. False. I am forever condemned for knowing and seeing more. Holy, you preyed on that. You are false in every sense. Unfeeling. How could you make me carry it all? How dare you indulge in my love and present me with disdain. You have wronged me. May days be dry and lifeless. May thirst and hunger plague. May the mind run wild, driven to insanity. The soul that never finds peace. Agony. Despair. Guilt. Revelation.  Confess your sins. It's always his forgiveness. False.
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Blurbs of Indication

Me — i.e, jpenseur
I look at you unapologetically. I say outlandish blurbs of indication.  I give gifts right from the heart.  I laugh at your soliloquies. When you went in for a hug, I almost gave in discomfort.  I wish I had raised the white flag.  I don't know much, but I do know one thing. I want things to work out.   
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You can hate me.

Me — i.e, jpenseur
My words were strong, powerful, harsh even, but it was from deep within my heart. I'm always just someone you think about when you have to. If you only acknowledge me when we're face-to-face, I would rather not be acknowledged by you at all. There was never a time where you tried to reach out to me, it was always just me who made an effort. It felt exhausting wanting attention from you. The more we spoke, the more you unraveled. I started questioning whether you only keep me around because you like the attention. I spent many days questioning my value to you. The longer the thought marinated in my head, I realize that objectively, we add very little to each other's lives. We make each other happy, but that's not enough in this world. You would be so much better off with people that can build you up, and that works both ways.
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You make room.

Me — i.e, jpenseur
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Prayed for religion.

Me — i.e, jpenseur
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Me — i.e, jpenseur
 You will be successful. Envision it and you will live it. 
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Wanting every letter in the alphabet.

Me — i.e, jpenseur
Wanting every letter on alphabet is tiring. Wanting it all comes with working harder than most. Wanting it all is balance and sacrifice. How to be better is what I want to know. 'Starting tommorow' is what I throw. Starting tommorow. Starting tommorow. 
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