jpenseur; Introspective Personal Journal, Poetry, and Anthology.

"These days I don't really know what I want." That's just an excuse I tell myself to cope with the fact I can't have what I really want. 

Days pass and more and more I feel like there's every little to look forward to. I'm human lie detector, I'm starting to believe there's no person out there in the world worth giving my love, time, and energy to. Right now this is how I feel.

I avoid getting attached to people because I worked so hard to desensitize myself from their expectations of me. I think to care what other people think about you is a weakness. 

Is my lover authentic? I am always left questioning, always left competing. Heart, soul, and mind in a race. Objectivity erased. Spent days thinking, Wandering, Wondering. Taking my necessary steps. Disillusioned and with a saddening conclusion. I am not loved. I am tolerated,  Like a coffee too sweet. Love should not be in secrecy. I should not have over-fastidious concerns about how you feel for me.  Love should not feel this empty. I should not have concerns about one-sided empathy. Love is not competing for affection, I should not have concerns about facing jealousy.  Love is not unsure, I should not feel concerned that you would reject me. Four reasons against three words.

I want you, but can't have you. I guess it's more so, I want you, but I don't know if you want me. 

I have been hurt before, It's hard for me to trust you completely, especially when there's this constant planting of doubt in my mind. I would rather have my heart broken than to constantly be hoping that you are the one. I cant love someone who can't fully commit to me or is unsure. I want to show you love but I'm afraid that it will push you away. 

There's no time to cry, when you are busy. 

An inconvenience, Much rather be rejected than left questioning. Much rather be dejected than left hoping. You say I'm not.

Pious, I'm honest to a fault. Like fault lines, I'm in an aggressive subduction. Transfixed to your person, I love everything about you. Your flaws are like patina on silver jewelry. An added charm to an intricate design. I wear you on my sleeve. You leave hallmarks on my heart. You make my mind run wild with your faces and smiles.  Love me, love me not. Words of allusion. When 'I love you' is my only conclusion.