For someone who thinks a lot, I'm insensitive to the gravity of what I say and do. I feel so much sorrow when I think my affection gets in the way of people. I'm starting to realize that love can, at times, be malice. My brain tells me to feel shame while my heart cries out for liberation. I feel the need to apologize for loving. I feel the need to completely disappear. 

I feel a lot of pressure to be someone that is able to bear all the problems of my loved ones. It's what my parents did for me and I want to be able to do the same but better. I feel a lot of pressure from the idea of leaving this mission unfulfilled. I also feel pressure from the ambiguity of what this mission really means to me. 

I don't know how to act in a way where I reassure someone that they're the only one I have eyes for. I always sense heartbreak and never know what to do about it. I always feel guilty. I could talk to fewer people, but that would make me depressed. I could be more reserved, but it just makes me feel inauthentic. I just wish people trusted in my character. 

Actualization is turning me into a demon. The few things I kept close; all ended in disappointment. Everything feels like it's washing over me. "Good," I thought.  Drown me in sorrow.  Water, one-hundred degrees celsius. Scold me for failing to see. Cleanse me for being "Bad." Make me a new creation.

Have you ever been afraid to admit that you are falling out of love with someone? For some reason, I am. My person has provided so much structure to who I am and who I want to be. The thought of them leaving is synonymous with the idea of me losing a part of my identity. Repetitive heartbreak taught me that; my love is simply a bewildering attempt to find myself. I no longer feel like we could be together. I'm happy for you, but not in the way that "it makes happy that you're happy." In a way, I'm utterly apathetic to who you want to be with; you don't deserve me. I feel a duty to preserve my happiness. 

Sorry, right now, I'm too fragile to even think about it. I'll be emotionally unavailable for some time. I'm pretty tired. My life isn't just about this, you know. I need time for myself and the things real life requires me to do. Don't worry, though; in the back of my mind, I still care. Well, I'll keep trying to.

I was hurting. It hasn't occurred to me the possibility that it might be hard for you right now. It begs the question, am I tormenting you, or are you persecuting me? You know I would never want to harm, misuse, or dishonour you.  If this is what you need to do to preserve yourself right now, so be it. I was gracious. 

Is this what it felt like when I left? Is this what it felt like when I wasn't reliable when I wasn't there when you needed me? This feeling sucks. I'm sorry I made you go through all that.  Sorry, when I returned, my expectations were not realistic. I thought that you wouldn't grow sour; that was naive.  You've been gone a while, and I miss you. It feels like you're punishing me. I rationalize. I tell myself, you want space.  I get evil thoughts; the voice at the back of my mind says, you want to be rid of me because all I ever brought to you is misfortune.  You don't make me feel loved anymore. My mind floods with sorries; to apologize for notionless faults. A way to make things better. A way to travel back in time.  I feel like I'm not worth your effort anymore. Should I just cut the knot on this one? See where the tension leads? 

Today, someone told me I had a secret admirer. I didn't know how to feel about it. People around me approached the idea with glee. I felt obliged to feel the same way, but... I can't seem to shake the idea of you.