My eyes and heart are heavy for the person I love; the one that is looking for me. I have never known what love was until I met you and it deeply saddens me.

People are so steadfast on the idea that any sort of advancement in your career is only a result of your network. Truthfully, I find it disappointing, and I want to break that cycle. I want to be someone that is able to bring value because of my competence. Advancement in hindered because we don't share power. Talent fades away because we much rather grow a familiar plant, than one that can be exceptional. I find the idea unpalatable, and in some ways corrupt. 

There's so much pressure to be exceptional, when all I want to be is me. I don't ever want to lose myself for any sort materialistic reason. 

It's been really hard for me to not think about you. It feels wrong to not have you in my life, when objectively I know this what's best for us right now. I'm not going to pretend that you were a saint though, and shower in guilt. I acted the way I did because there's shortcomings from both of us. Deep down, I still love you very much. I have compassion for you. I fully believe that you will find whatever it is you are looking for in the world; that you'll be happy. 

We delude ourselves with the idea that any sort of company keeps loneliness away. You realize that's sad, and pathetic. When you take a step into your relationships, will the surface tension stop you from drowning? Be gracious to yourself, and step back.

Everyone is so caught up on social media, that I no longer sense any form of genuine connection with people. It's like there's always a filter on authenticity. Not only that, it feels like individualism has died. In this generation, your worth is measured only by how well you are able to adhere to standards set out by idiots.

What I can't wrap my mind around. 

Chapter 4 thought me that if it wasn't meant for you, it doesn't stay in your life. When there's more confusion than clarity, you shouldn't be steadfast in your attachment to it. Our relationship had made feel the most insecure about myself. You were good for a moment, but you were never the 'one'. Who knows, maybe you are, but not now. I know that for sure. Not the way the you are now. If it were meant for you, it will stay in your life. Let's see how things unfold.

I'm totally done trying to make sure things work out. I feel so free. 

Digging deep, why did I act that way? I think I acted that way because I felt that you set me aside. I felt that I chased for your affection when you were blindly and graciously giving it to everybody but me. I acted out of pain. I wanted to be seen by you. I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me. I wanted to treat you coldly like you treat me. It really had me questioning what I did to you. When we were good, I thought we were good. Why did you treat me like that? A good person wouldn't treat like that. I came to the conclusion that you are not that good of a person, at least not to me. I deserve better than that I think. I never want to feel how you made me feel ever again. 

The longer I dwell on the fact that you might be my soulmate that I just let pass through my fingers, the more miserable I feel. What I need right now is to heal, and I think only actions can bring that for me. I realize that I keep rolling back to the people who harm me because I found comfort in their familiarity. I need to stop settling for a mediocre sense of security. Objectively, many of the people I love take me for granted. I need to focus on those who value me as much as I value them.

I'm not wise, I'm just some person trying to navigate what life is about. All my life I have been trying to cope with the fact that there will always be animosity towards me, I feel so beat down. 

I'm emotionally volatile. Sometimes, I wish I didn't feel anything at all. Then maybe I wouldn't be such a problem for other people. I'm always in pain.

If you are meant to be with someone, life will find a way. 

I gave you ample opportunity to have me devote all of myself; all of my soul; all of my body; all of my heart to you. I prepared to lay everything down; to risk it all just so you could be my world, yet with every attempt, you shut me down. With every dive, I hit the floor hard. Now that I'm trying to recover and live for myself, you act this way. When was this care and sincerity when my heart was open? Why do you make me feel like I should run back to you, when all you do is shut me down? Every 'No.' plays back in my mind, and I think to myself, is it love when you have to force it? I think a lot of love is, is knowing. With you, I never really know anything. Hope is a dangerous thing you know. We deserve more than just a maybe. Until I know for sure that I'm your lover, we can't be together. 

I have been thinking about where exactly things went wrong. I realize it be when I started feeling like my needs weren't being met by you. I'm sure you felt the same with me.

Little tests. Sadly, each time you fail. I looked past failures and carried everything on my back. Now I'm hurt. You fail and continue to fail. I can't keep trying to make up for people like you. There's joy for me from the dust where you used to stand. Good riddance. 

Disappear. You are not worth any of my time or attention. There's absolutely nothing there with you. I'm so glad you we're hurtful, because on the days where I remember you for how great you were, I get snapped back into reality. You're dismissive, selfish, vain, and emotionally manipulative. You don't care about me. You couldn't even take time to ask if I was doing okay. You lack in every way that matters to me. How do you expect me to stand by you when you're like this? Lame. 

I'm glad you had time to enjoy how beautiful the world is. Looks at everything and feels unapologetically.

I see you. I see you even when my eyes are shut; even when my heart is closed. Though, I'm staying true to my convictions, even if it pains me at times. Past me would have likely jumped back into your arms, but present me remembers every time I have been let down by you. I can't keep up with Past me. It tore me down.

My words were strong, powerful, harsh even, but it was from deep within my heart. I'm always just someone you think about when you have to. If you only acknowledge me when we're face-to-face, I would rather not be acknowledged by you at all. There was never a time where you tried to reach out to me, it was always just me who made an effort. It felt exhausting wanting attention from you. The more we spoke, the more you unraveled. I started questioning whether you only keep me around because you like the attention. I spent many days questioning my value to you. The longer the thought marinated in my head, I realize that objectively, we add very little to each other's lives. We make each other happy, but that's not enough in this world. You would be so much better off with people that can build you up, and that works both ways.

The goal is just not to think about you anymore. 

I have been trying to detach myself from people. At the end of the day, there's nobody who lives for anyone else. I would, but I don't think many other people would. In my journey in life, I'm still yet waiting for someone like that to come along. 

I would rather be alone. 

Hmm interesting...you are just like me. Hiding under the guise of the type of people you despise. Less authentic, more desperate. 

I have been thinking about why I have not really been present with people. It's because when I'm there you have such a bad reaction. I feel that you mask the fact that you are uncomfortable around me. I sense it anyways, I tried to be peppy for the collective's sake but deep down I felt pain. There was a moment in time where I felt that you loved my company. Those days are gone. These days when we talk I feel hollow. I have this lingering worry, and anxiety that I'm disinteresting around you, or that you would rather be anywhere else. That juxtaposition between the past and the present eats away at me. You're a magician, and I'm the act. Poof.

I don't feel comfortable around many people. It's always been really hard for me to connect with them. I think the main reason is authenticity often attracts conflict. I much rather be reserved than be someone's target for criticism. People will know me superficially. I have tried building deeper connections but I have always been let down. The thought of more heartbreak is far too painful. I will try to live my life in moments rather expecting lifetimes. 

I think I reached my limit with this whole situation. I'm emotionally not there anymore to keep this up. Too hurt, too far gone. I'm just going to let a part of me disappear. 

You will be alright. 

I think about you more than I probably should, and you know what, I don't think that's a bad thing at all.

 True love. No such thing as separation. 

You teach me that I can be selfless. I always fell under this notion that human beings are unchangingly selfish. Yet, when I'm you, I want to offer you all of me, and all of the world. 

I think one of my biggest worries is making sure you'll be okay when I cease to exist in your world. You are surrounded by so many people that love you; People that make you smile; People that make your soul jump, and your eyes radiate. You will be okay. I will get gratification from ensuring your happiness, even if it doesn't necessarily mean I'm part of that happiness. It's my mission to make sure your light shines brightly.  Deep down I feel like I'm an extension of you. I want to give you all of my love.

I have not been feeling like loving you with my entirety. I'm weary and scared. There's no sense of security with you. I don't want to be in a relationship where I give all of me, just to feel hollow. I doubt you would ever see this but, I wish you tried a little harder. Show me that you want to be with me for a lifetime. 

There's so much in my mind right now. So much things to finish and do. Though I'm feeling really tired, I know it will all be worth it in the end. 

A form of understanding, company, and passion. 

Sometimes I feel this pressure to perform for people. I need them to understand I'm not that person. I never want to feel desperate for anything. If it's not meant for me then so be it. I tire myself out always trying make sure every works out. Let's both just cope with the loss. 

Sometimes it feels hard to keep up with this person. I always feel like I'm always three steps behind. At times, I think it's better to simply let them go there way, and I go on mine. 

People still love you. A lot of the times, they are just busy.

I love my life. Every aspect of it is beautiful.