I feel so vulnerable right now. It is so immensely sad, like floating on a river of sadness. Alone. Always so alone. The water is cold. So cold, I'm burning. The only heat I feel is the tears that flow along my cheeks. I'm flushed with misery. I look out and groan at the sky. 'Will I ever feel happy!'. Happy with meaning, happy with heft. I dwell on the past because that's where remnants of my joy linger. I'm a broken person; I feel like I'll always be. Always longing. Always falling short. Always looking for a temporary fix. I can't love right, and a person who can't love right isn't deserving of it. I feel so cold; my spinal fluid is liquid nitrogen. Every heavy breath is like a flash freeze.  I wonder if I'll ever get the type of love that will save me from myself. I wonder if something like that exists for a person like me.  Why are you always like this? Sometimes, I hate that I am you. 

I have people around me who bring nothing to the table; I think more and more that their company is simply a waste of time. I shouldn't say that, but that's how I think. When I'm around them, I just feel absolutely nothing. The conversation is not stimulating. There's no sort of progression; it's dull throughout. Their interests are so small in scope that it's hardly palatable. They are so concentrated on what they know they've become exclusive. So dull; I think I knew that for quite a while, but these bursts of loneliness cast such a big shadow that it made me stop realizing it. 

A double-edged sword of the human brain is that after intense feelings of emotional agony from a particular event, we develop mechanisms for minimizing its effects in the future.  One thing that's been prevalent to me is I'm no longer inclined to romantic love. It's sad, but it's true. Every time I seek romance, my brain rolls back to times of abandonment and insecurity. It's ironic because the 'fix' my brain chooses to deploy makes me feel like I'm broken. With each passing day, I become more and more apathetic to the idea of being alone. 

I get waves of loneliness, the kind so repressed that showing tears feel like sandpaper to the heart. This probably comes from indifference to the world, but I think people don't know what that feels like. They have settled for gravel, the conventional means of filling the potholes of the hearts.  I cry because I'm unconventional. After all, security, meaning, and gratification mean so much to me. 

Today I feel detached from everything, indifferent to being completely present or not existing at all. It's something adjacent to feeling lost, a little more tragic and severe, Feeling like there's a future where no one will love and care about me. 

Happy for everyone. I guess that's what really matters? Yeah.

It's hard to be productive when you're feeling lonely. 

It doesn't have to be you. It doesn't have to be anyone. It could just be my pillow. 

  I don't know what to feel about you anymore. It feels like something adjacent to love,  one where I settled. A little more lonely, A little bit sad, But a lot more freeing. So, I guess it's not too bad. I don't care anymore about whether I cross your mind.

  Lately, I've been feeling extremely aggravated by how you've been acting. On the few occasions where we can interact, you make an effort to be avoidant. Why is that? What's the point of you being around if we aren't even trying to bond or get along? Am I just overthinking this? Am I simply jealous of what others have with you? You know, I've been very insecure about how I should go about approaching you; it feels like any wrong move will split us farther apart. I know you don't hate me, but I hate this stagnation in our relationship. The root of all this frustration is I can't seem to connect with you, and any effort to try will only make things worse. On top of all that, I think you're purposeful; and the knowledge of my fragility does not bother you. I started feeling like you don't want me at all in any context, like I'm a burden, worthless, just some meaningless weed extremely root bound in your flower bed of perfect people. I feel like an ...

I would be lying if I told you I took that picture just because I felt like it. A big part of me wanted you to see me; see me be in the best light I could be. Despite everything, I still want you to be taken aback.  Low.

I feel obligated to say I'm feeling "alright" in my moments of vulnerability because I don't feel secure enough to tell you I'm lonely. To tell you I have issues, that my soul feels unsettled, and that you made a mistake. 

I have this weird theory in my head that the only times I dwell on people is if a sliver of me enters their thought. I think in some ways, it may just be a way to cope, but you don't know for sure, right? It's a bit nice to think that I cross people's minds sometimes. Especially ones I admire. 

I honestly wholeheartedly tried today. I just can't act like I'm okay around you. If I can be frank, I'd rather you just not talk to me. Meaningless interaction will not fix how you broke my heart.  "Don't try to speak to me; it's the last thing I want right now."