Dear, My love is pure and bottomless. In all my wanting to serve and love you, I was killing myself. I slit my throat with daggers you threw at me. I heard that when you love someone so much, them hating you doesn't make you hate them, you hate yourself. I hated myself, really hated myself. I know that isn't fair to me though. My love is pure and bottomless. I don't deserve that. Sincerely,
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Showing posts from November, 2021
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Be unassuming. Otherwise, you'll cry.
The narrative of when you love someone.
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You do your best to keep me happy, to make up for the fact that you can't be with me? I appreciate your kindness, but this is the last thing I want. I never wanted you to suffer; the whole reason why I fell in love with you in the first place is that I felt it in my being to care for you; to nurture you. Think it through; there's no win for me in this situation. Let me paint the picture. You become distant, and I get sad. When I see you, I'm reminded of how I can't be with you; I get sad. When you see me, you feel heartbreak, and you get sad, which makes me sad. When I'm distant, you move on; I get sad. Don't try to make me smile; when you're suffering, it's counterproductive. I just wanted to be honest with my emotions; I was fully prepared for every consequence, even your "I know that wasn't what you expected." I want you to be happy. Okay? You have no obligation to me. Stay true to your words; how you're acting right now shows just
You're left alone with the consequence of your actions.
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Days move along, and I miss you less and less. I don't try to look anymore, though I still anticipate. I'm no longer excited when we are in a room together. I'm nervous but in a different way. I guess you could say that I'm no longer fond of you. I'm now terrified; I don't know how to approach you. I'm falling out of love; sorry if that isn't what you want deep down. I took your words hard; I took your words like fact. Hard slap to the face. You're left alone with the consequence of your actions.
Sick
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I've been thinking about you. I think about whether I should try to find someone else to love. The more I let the thought marinate in my head, the less inclined I am to do so. I so badly want to talk to you about it, but I'm afraid you'll dismiss it. I want to ask you why we grew so apart. I want to ask if you do value me. I want to know if you'll ever change your mind.
After all the hurt I went through
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Sorry, right now, I'm too fragile to even think about it. I'll be emotionally unavailable for some time. I'm pretty tired. My life isn't just about this, you know. I need time for myself and the things real life requires me to do. Don't worry, though; in the back of my mind, I still care. Well, I'll keep trying to.
My walls.
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Learning more about myself, I realize that my attachment style mixes both avoidance and anxiety. I'm reluctant to devote effort to a relationship with people, not because I hate them but because I feel uncomfortable. As much I long for connection with people, the idea that you can disappoint me or I could disappoint you scares me. I think I can't love someone if they are under the circumstances of a stranger; to love you, you need to penetrate a certain wall of intimacy.
Don't read into songs.
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I look at what you listen to. It wraps my head with irrational thoughts like "I love you too." False reports to a missing person case; It sets my hopes ablaze. "I love you." I was engulfed with expectations. I die with the realization, That you listen to all sorts of songs, And I should look elsewhere.
I would have kissed you.
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Born from a golden egg, You had the softest heart. You grew up under the watchful eyes of those who would judge you. Groomed to walk in heavy shoes. You loved in secret; Stepping on the remnants of your shell. You are conditional, Only in unknown places, where no one can see. When I was alone sitting on that rock, You approached me with unexpected warmth. Covered under your wing, I was enamoured. The scenery stopped to admire. That day would have been perfect if it weren't for those watchful eyes. Those who would judge us. I would have kissed you. I should have kissed you. End.
How do you know you love somebody?
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I've been researching how love is supposed to be. Everything was coherent and consistent with what I was going through; It reinforced my emotions and observations about you. However, during my look, a line of reasoning shifted my center of gravity. "because if you loved someone, why wouldn't you tell them." My conclusion is you don't love me. Or, unlike me to you, your love doesn't prevail in every context.
The whole truth.
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I needed a couple of reasons to hate you anyway. You are insensitive about how I feel; You always have been. I turned a blind eye to that because I love way too hard. You lack conviction. You cling to an apathetic facade to avoid real issues in your life. You only ever acknowledge me when I reach out to you. I don't remember you ever checking up on me or ever worrying about me. It's always one-sided. You grow and grow more like a stranger as the years have gone. I don't feel like you appreciate my company anymore. You could live your life perfectly fine even if I weren't around. I realize your life would probably be so much better if I weren't around anyways. You probably think that too. You act in the manner that annoys me the most; I always push the idea to the back of my head, but, you know what, I hate that you're selfish. I hate that I have to hear you talk about how you are so deprived of love when I could give you all the fucking love in the world. H
Our pain
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I was hurting. It hasn't occurred to me the possibility that it might be hard for you right now. It begs the question, am I tormenting you, or are you persecuting me? You know I would never want to harm, misuse, or dishonour you. If this is what you need to do to preserve yourself right now, so be it. I was gracious.
Hiatus
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Is this what it felt like when I left? Is this what it felt like when I wasn't reliable when I wasn't there when you needed me? This feeling sucks. I'm sorry I made you go through all that. Sorry, when I returned, my expectations were not realistic. I thought that you wouldn't grow sour; that was naive. You've been gone a while, and I miss you. It feels like you're punishing me. I rationalize. I tell myself, you want space. I get evil thoughts; the voice at the back of my mind says, you want to be rid of me because all I ever brought to you is misfortune. You don't make me feel loved anymore. My mind floods with sorries; to apologize for notionless faults. A way to make things better. A way to travel back in time. I feel like I'm not worth your effort anymore. Should I just cut the knot on this one? See where the tension leads?
Looking for the one in the algebra of love.
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How did you rationalize that it was okay for you to do that to me? I should be upset, but a part of me knows that you were just looking for the fundamental need for happiness. I was the same. You tested the waters to see if I could've been the one. That was selfish of you because you knew I was doing the same. The result of our experiments came to a contrasting realization. You realize that the one was elsewhere when I found my one in you.
Set out
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I had a map that promised me a treasure. Spent days following a path set out for me. Days grew to months, Months grew to years. Restless, impatient, tired. I thought about perseverance; Felt silly, here and there. I've come this far, but nothing showed promise. Felt too far gone. In sadness, I tear my map. In retaliation, I took an excursion,
Hope there are no losers from it.
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I don't understand what you are feeling or thinking; all I know is I'm worried for you. I wished you had trusted me enough to let me know what was going on. Sadly, I can't expect you to give me that. I'm just here until you need me. I don't know if all this will expire; I just hope there are no losers from it.
I'm probably just mistaken.
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I can't make this up. This pulsing feeling within me, it urges like a homing device. It keeps leading me to you despite all my attempts to be rid of it. What is it that you have that I can't seem to find anywhere else with any other person? I think maybe it's the fact that no other person has ever made me feel as warm as you make me feel. It feels like fate.
You make room.
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I hope for you to know that whenever I was distant or seemingly disinterested, my only goal was that I didn't want to grow too attached. I knew it would be detrimental for both of us. I care about you so much that I made sure that I would never stand in the way of your goals, no matter how hurt I might become. I did all that for your sake, and it ruined me and our relationship. I was between a rock and a hard place. My mental state was being crushed. Eventually, I couldn't bear the weight, and so I figured that telling you would liberate me from all of it. When those words came out, I was crushed in a different way, the kind where I completely collapsed. Despite my initial sorrow, I saw good come out of the situation. I no longer have to carry such a large burden with a frail structure. I rebuilt myself; with a lot more durability and a lot more love. I have settled with what you could give me. My hope now is that I can win you back. I just want to see where that takes me, wh
Make amends to the people I hurt either intentionally or unintentionally.
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Will power like a dull knife.
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What if all this time, you were looking for someone that was just in front of you? What If all this time you were seeking something amiss, chasing an idea rather than embracing happiness? We can't seem to find our place in this circumstantial world. We are idealistic people, who let reality string us around.