Today I feel unsettled and shaken to the core. I have no idea what the reason is, but it's making me feel not so great. Typically, I associate these kinds of feelings with burnout, but I don't really feel like I've done much that would equate to burnout. I think that maybe this weight I'm feeling comes from a conglomeration of emotions I receive from people throughout the week. I think I may have reached my capacity. I hope this feeling subsides soon because I want to be able to do as much of my wants as I can.  

I have days where I feel inadequate like I'm meant for more. I don't know where this stems from. I do all sort of things to compensate for this feeling of inadequacy, but it never feels like I make any progress. Days like this you just got to get through I think. 

So many rules in the world. So many prohibitions. I have internalized the feeling unwanted because I believed I was a catalyst for sin. 

Sometimes, people are a mystery.

We are perpetual machines of emotion. Value is what emotions we put out in the world. Time passes, and all I want is to bring joy to other people's lives. 

I love the person so much that it brings me so pain that I'm unable to discover all the facets of what makes them so great. It's like having the world's most interesting book locked up. All of what I can know what I hear from other people. 

What's upsetting is it's not the same experience for me as the other person. When I see that person, I feel this deep loneliness and longing inside. When the person sees me, life goes on for them as normal. I'm still trying to cope with that fact. 

I thought I needed somebody else in order to be vibrant. I forgot just how special I am as myself. I think a reason why my relationships fail is that I pour too much expectation on the other person. In my egotistical needy ways, I forget that other people also have many internal tribulations. It's not the time to be dim. I have to shine so bright that I envelop other's darkness.

Tomorrow, I'm going to see someone that makes me uncomfortable. I have run simulations in my head about how it will go, and I'm kind of worried. I feel like I punish myself more than anyone else. I will just be me, my authentic self. 

The person I once admired now looks at me with distant eyes. I poured it all out with my worries and cries,  I took my chances and rolled the dice. I used to harbour immense sadness and despise because I fell to this reprise. I became the actor that accepted all the lies and never questioned the sights. I painted a picture of an unbothered uprise because I hoped for a prize;  Your questioning surprise of why my eyes are dry.  All superficial, the face of an actor. My heart weeps, and the thoughts of you seep. I avoid your gaze, but I peep. I ignore you, but I creep.   I tell myself, don't be like them; love is for sheep. But in  the back of my mind,  I'm just like any other, lost from the herd. A black sheep yelling love but never heard. 

Greatness. The most coveted and endangered. Competitive hunting.  Prized for its influence and beauty.  A cure for social anxiety. I see people walking around with it as headdresses.  My eyes sheen with a muted green. It's not resentment or jealousy; more so curiosity. How do I find a tailor who can make a hat just for me?

Don't be preoccupied with someone who doesn't acknowledge you. 

I love you, and because I love you, I'm living up to your wishes and expectations. You don't want anything to do with me, and for that, I'll disappear. It's been painful to abstract myself for you. But for you, I can do anything. 

I provoked and pushed. Karma. I left my door open. Even though I think you hate my company. Expectations have been replaced by extreme guilt and remorse.  I wish I didn't ruin you.  I'm sorry. 

  I read somewhere that the best cure for heartbreak is completely cutting communication or interaction with the admired. Out of seeking guidance, I blocked the person. A consequence I did not account for is how the level of curiosity about how their life is doing intensified. In a lot of ways, prior to my heartbreak, this person was like a drug. I  felt all sorts of good when I was around them. Disappointingly, my curiosity got the better of me, so I went on and unblocked the person. In my attempt to fix these love withdrawals, I realized I was also blocked. I guess that's the only thing reciprocated. Jokes aside, in my attempt to heal myself, I think I seriously screwed up someone's perception of me. For lack of better words, I feel like a raging bitch. I'm ridden with anxiety. 

Ever since I got my heart hurt, I've been reaching out to hobbies to feel to recover my sense of self-worth. It worked for a little while, but now I just feel exhausted. 

I ruined something really good. In a lot of ways, it was too good. I don't ever want to be dependent like that again. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm in my own little bubble. Unbothered and disappointing. Not in a pessimistic way, but more so in an objective way. I don't feel like I'm bringing any sort of meaningful impact to the world. I feel stuck. I feel the need to formulate a plan to be relevant. I think it's a 'me' thing I need to get over.