I held back all of what I felt because I thought it was for the best. I feel so much better now that I am able to express my adoration. In my preemptive attempts to hold back heartbreak, I had filled my heart with sadness and despair instead. I held back because I was afraid of getting hurt, but in my avoidance, I felt crushed under the weight of your hurting gaze. I turned a blind eye to what was important because I was paranoid and jealous. I thought to myself, someone as amazing as you would surely slip away from my fingers, would surely hurt me, would surely abandon me. I think maybe it's a dishonour to think that way of you. It's a dishonour to assume the worst from you. I believe that you love me, and I know that I love you. That's more than enough of a reason for me to keep you warm.

I'm trying my best to hold onto the things dear to my heart. I'm learning to just embrace the quiet of things, to just to just love what is in front of me. If anyone wrongs me, even if they don't intend to, then I'll focus on appreciating everything else. It's a burden to the heart to be angry or to feel like a victim. It's a burden in the mind to constantly be thinking about betrayal. If betrayal does come. My love and my light will shine somewhere else. I'm devoting myself entirely because that's what feels right. That's what feels warm. That's what brings me peace of mind and soul. 

I will remain true to my heart. I will remain true to my love. For until our souls are tied, I will be there for you. 

In my mind you have died. I'm grieving your loss. I'm grieving for all the times I can no longer be with you. For weeks I have been petrified by the future. One where you're not there seems so dim.

 I thought about you today, and I feel very blessed to have you in my life. I think authenticity is hard come to by, and you are the most genuine person I know. 

What do you do if there's a falling out of love? Do you shake the stagnant waters or simply go to where there are mountains? These days I feel like I have been settling for an in-between. From the mountains, I look out into the water. Watching still waters gives me peace but also a sense of aching. I yearn for waves, a sort of signal that there's still life. Hopeful that in the distance, there's still love. 

For someone who thinks a lot, I'm insensitive to the gravity of what I say and do. I feel so much sorrow when I think my affection gets in the way of people. I'm starting to realize that love can, at times, be malice. My brain tells me to feel shame while my heart cries out for liberation. I feel the need to apologize for loving. I feel the need to completely disappear. 

What is it that makes me addicted to you? Objectively, you add little value to my life, yet it's like I can't live without you. You stimulated a part of my brain that brings me so much fulfillment. I loved that sense of motivation and purpose. I told you I was there romantically, and you shut that down. My feelings festered because it's inhuman for it to just go, you know. I wonder if the way I feel heartbreak is peculiar. I wish someone could tell me. I take longer than average to be completely unloving to my dearest. I'm trying to cope with the fact that I don't deal with romantic rejection well. The biggest reason why is I'm not the type to fall in love with implicit acts of affection. I sense the love from explicit acts of passion. I linger on rejection because people act on their desire for me, yet when I reciprocate, they vanish. Ghosts to the undead me. It's so cruel and so confusing. I narrowed my next step to reciprocating apathy. I'll be the go...

Oh boy, here we are again. The same sort of loving insomnia. The restlessness of mind and heart. I can't stop thinking about how wonderful it would be to explore your person. I have the sort of love for you where my service brings me fulfillment. I feel joy when I can get a smile on your charming face. My eyes sparkle when I feel your warmth. My thoughts run when I think I'm not doing enough. In all my doubt, you are always there to make me feel like I'm on the right track, and I love that about you. I love listening to you talk; I enjoy the nuances of your character. I love that you try to understand me, even when it sometimes feels like hugging a cactus. I love that despite my constant overthinking, you never inflate with me. You are always there to calm me down. I feel so at ease with you. I aspire to have some of your endearing qualities; I work hard to ensure that my relationship with you is not just one-sided. I want you to benefit from it as much as I benefit from yo...

Whenever I see you, I'm called to do more and to be more in order to somehow pique your interest. To make you think that I'm a basket worth all your eggs. When we interact, it just feels so smooth and effortless, and I don't feel drained after conversations. When you speak, I can't help but admire you. I make an effort to listen even when my attention span is less than desirable; the net benefit for me just feels worth it. When you act all goofy, I want to just cover you in my arms. I daydream about how warm you would make me feel. I so deeply want to run my fingers along your hair and just take time to show you my affection. How wonderful would it be to be together? These, of course, are all just unrealistic desires. I know I can't be with you. There's just too great of a chinook pushing you away from where I want you to be. I do, however, appreciate that I can dream. 

Yesterday, as I pondered about love, I thought about what it actually looks like from my perspective. I see love as something so warm, something so gentle. Something that feels all-encompassing. Love to me, feels like a part of my heart or brain has been unlocked to where all my senses are heightened, not just external either. I feel the cogwheels of anxiety, fear, thrill, and joy all start moving inside me. Love is kind of like the processes of hydroelectricity, like letting the doors open so that the stream of affection can make you spin. Spin in a way that powers all your systems. Spin in a way that you discover pockets of self-greatness.  I don't know if this standard or expectation of love is too high. I do know that It's not something I'm willing to compromise. If I don't feel at all anything of what I described, then I don't want it. To me, it just means the river is dry. I'm hopeful for an endless stream. 

  I worry too much about whether I should be in a romantic relationship or not. It's never really been the case I wanted to be in one; instead, it's more like people want or expect me to. It's kind of messed up if you think about it. Why do we put a pedestal on this social construct when most days, most relationships aren't even all that great. There are fights, violence, and infidelity. I realized I was never sad about being single until someone made me feel like I should be.

I realized that sometimes, the best to do for people going through difficulty is to show a brave front. 

What's really been on my mind is you.  Well...I guess the idea of you; being loved by you. More generally,  the idea of being loved. I hate that you give me affection; just to retract it later. I can't blame you because you don't know or care enough. I love you sincerely, with so much heart. The sudden abandonment. The saddening isolation... intrusive reflections. What's really been on my mind is you.  Well...I guess the idea of you; Heartbreak makes loneliness bearable. More generally,  loneliness is unbearable.

A reminder to remember; you have so many people that love you. If you disagree, remember that this momentary loneliness is just a segment of the bigger picture. Company comes at unexpected moments. Lingering in the stark white of winter, in the flowers of spring, in the heat of summer, and in the yellowing of fall. Smile in the face of the devil.

Skeleton with a cigarette. We talk with no regret. My heart beats fast in a fishbowl. Yours evident from bone to bone. You bring joy from unexpected places. From texts to peculiar faces. I took a smoke to make some time. To wonder whether your question was benign. I go through the same eb and flows. The question of, am I in love? Or is it just the smoke?

Do you know why love can be such a nuisance? It's the fact that no matter how well you structure your life, the chaos always wedges itself in. I spent the past months in a state of contentment and peace. However, all of a sudden, everything flipped upside down. I quickly realized how much I enjoyed a specific person's company; I defy all of the good that made my status quo to have an ounce of their love. It sounds like I'm on some sort of addictive drug, but that's the best analogy! Not only do I have visceral physical reactions, but I also have delusions and irrational thoughts. I start seeing simple acts of kindness as bold acts of infatuation. Love is dangerous. I know that well enough now. The only way to my heart is if the person I like explicitly tells me they want me back. Otherwise, I'll proceed to how things are. Quiet and unbothered.

I look at you unapologetically. I say outlandish blurbs of indication.  I give gifts right from the heart.  I laugh at your soliloquies. When you went in for a hug, I almost gave in discomfort.  I wish I had raised the white flag.  I don't know much, but I do know one thing. I want things to work out.   

I get terrified that whenever I like someone, I'm just their temporary dosage of intravenous serotonin or some pill for emotional fulfillment. I'm insecure, which manifests itself into paranoia. Am I just your placeholder for when you find someone more fitting to be by your side? 

There's something about making you feel great that makes me feel great. I feel like I forget all else when I try to please you. All this time I've been feeling like rock floating in space. With stroke of luck, I entered your orbit. You unknowingly pulled me in. I serve happily as your moon. Happy to indefinitely revolve around you, and admire everything that makes you you.