Something I've been scared of confronting is the possible idea that I'm never to have ambition. As of now, I've convinced myself and others I have big plans, but I know in the back of my head how dishonest I'm being. I guess it's easier to be vague than to say you don't have dreams, right? In my world, motivation thus far, has only been to save face. I feel like I have never strived for anything substantial or adding value. It upsets me that I'm at this crossroads of not knowing, and not caring. I just want a bit more direction, to find at least one thing that sets me up for good. 

I feel we're influenced to think that life should be more complicated than it really is. I think it's just finding things that bring happiness, having appropriate freedoms, and enduring hardships that ultimately lead to joy. 

If you think about the pursuit of success deeply, you'll realize that trying to move at a pace uncomfortable to yourself is pointless. Those people you strive to be, who make quick work of life, can do so because they have competence and understanding of what's ahead. If you're mindlessly following their lead, you'll run beyond your capabilities; that's when you'll fall hard. Instead, slowly push yourself. If success is truly in your mind, the trajectory of your life is always up. It doesn't matter how fast; people live an average of 80 years. Say you strive to become your definition of successful at 30. what then? There are so many years ahead of you. Stop trying to condense your goals into single digits. Stride at a pace where you make the value of the things you learn. 

I get terrified that whenever I like someone, I'm just their temporary dosage of intravenous serotonin or some pill for emotional fulfillment. I'm insecure, which manifests itself into paranoia. Am I just your placeholder for when you find someone more fitting to be by your side? 

I'm really terrified of the thought that I will be completely trapped in a life expected of me by other people. The idea of finding a nine-to-five job, settling down with someone, and having a couple of kids is not appealing to me. It's really frustrating that I can't just go with complete surrender and abandon everything to chase after happiness. I have responsibilities and commitments. This may be difficult and controversial, but I find that the people closest to me tie me down. I'm not mad about it; it just sometimes feels like I'm some domesticated animal. Loved because of obedience instead of obedience to my loves. 

A lifetime of being surrounded by people so immersed by their appearances on social media made me realize something. It's really sad to be present with everything else but life. Real-life, not this fabricated, photoshopped idealism. I know that we don't always submerge everything in sugar because, sometimes, it's better just the way it is. 

Today I got to thinking...the world is unfair to those who lack the means of presence or meaning. Is sad to think about how some lives appear like they matter more than others. It's sad to realize that we only ever celebrate the lives and accomplishments of those who have capitalized on self-marketing. What about the voices drowned out by sports coverages, the latest news on fashion, and celebrity flings? As much as social media tries to narrow our view of the world, there are people out there suffering, put in cages eating scraps of opportunity, and slowly dying out from famine, violence, or both. The scope of pain has no borders. I take this time to write to acknowledge that pain. I take this time to write to celebrate the lives of all strangers drowned out by trivial headlines. Everyone's life matters, and there's no distribution or averages; life at its barest is equal.

It's easy to put stereotypes on people when you're oblivious to the circumstances, pain, and suffering they went through. To be placed in that box of judgment, how horrible. 

Never take life for granted because you won't know when it'll be taken away from you. 

Today my heartstrings played to the harsh reality that things always come to an end. I was looking for a fantastical adventure but found something far more unpleasant. I saw an older man, along with an old lady I could only assume to be his wife, cleaning their establishment. It looked to be an oriental restaurant of some sort. The couple's faces looked drained; they seemed to be waiting for a customer that would never come. The scene saddened me because it's difficult to swallow the idea that society can unforgivingly leave you and your passions behind without warning. I thought about how this restaurant makes such a big part of who these two people are, and no one seems to appreciate it. I thought about all the effort placed into their ideals; they probably spent hours trying to perfect recipes, create an inviting space, provide excellent service, etc. It's unfortunate that all an average person can do is wish them luck. I wish there were a little more magic in society.

Selective apathy, I'm having difficulty deciding whether it's a blessing or a curse. By my definition, selective apathy is taking control and choosing to not care about aspects of my daily life that I feel betray me. I think my dilemma stems from the fact that there's a fine line between taking care of myself and avoiding difficult conversations. 

You meet with someone who piques your interest.  A mutual admiration. Then what? What is the objective?  To fill that part of you that's missing? To satisfy your sexual desires? To find your misplaced purpose in the world? To build a loving family? Why is it that people place so much weight on love?  Why is it that society feels so concrete?  

Today feels warm. I took a walk around amass of birds and tropicals. I found my comfort zone in Maplecomb Amaretto. The day just started; I'm feeling good about it. 

What if this was a test? What if every version of me prior to this has failed to be with you? I hope I'm not in a perpetual cycle of unrequited affection. I can't bear the thought.