I don't feel good today. The worst part of it is, everything is objectively good. I think the reason why I feel so off is because my highly paranoid brain has convinced me that I mean very little. My worth as person is diluted by the bustle of everyday life. I feel that with the trajectory of life I'll be diffused into almost nothing. Love, I felt, was the only thing that really tied all of me together, but lately the world has been unraveling. I have been starting to feel that relationships are transactional. I only ever mean something to someone because I'm able to satiate a need or want. I want a life that's full or joy and kindness. One where I never have to feel empty. One where I don't have to share how 'I don't feel good today.'

A double-edged sword of the human brain is that after intense feelings of emotional agony from a particular event, we develop mechanisms for minimizing its effects in the future.  One thing that's been prevalent to me is I'm no longer inclined to romantic love. It's sad, but it's true. Every time I seek romance, my brain rolls back to times of abandonment and insecurity. It's ironic because the 'fix' my brain chooses to deploy makes me feel like I'm broken. With each passing day, I become more and more apathetic to the idea of being alone. 

I get waves of loneliness, the kind so repressed that showing tears feel like sandpaper to the heart. This probably comes from indifference to the world, but I think people don't know what that feels like. They have settled for gravel, the conventional means of filling the potholes of the hearts.  I cry because I'm unconventional. After all, security, meaning, and gratification mean so much to me.