I gave someone advise about their overthinking of relationships. I told them ' do you think the people you think about, think about you as much as you think about them? If the answer is no, then why are you directing so much of your internal energy on them?'. Just leave them alone, and let the idea of you not being there marinate. If they cared about you they would know. If someone loves you, you would know. 

I started noticing this more, and more now that I'm older. My sense of self-worth is extremely weak, and fragile. I rely too much on external validation, Oftentimes, I get addicted to talking to people, who give me very little attention, because attention is still there. In a sense I'm always trying to satiate my thirst from empty bottles. A lot of my life has been making the effort to live for other people. I need to focus more on myself. I need to stop directing a lot of my attention to people who to be frank, take me for granted. I have been trying to be better, but change is hard. I have been this way for many years, there's a lot of bad habits I need reorganize to unfurl, and dismantle. I'll start with you.

I still love you so much. In all the turbulence brought by my mind, you bring me peace. You complete me. Despite all hurt, and despite all barriers, I always find myself headed towards you. My dearest, let's make a life worth living. 

I am not the lover so I guess I can't be betrayed? Even still, it hurts. You might jest, but unlike you, when it comes to my love, I don't play the fool. That's aggravating. 

Repress repress repress. The reality of things. 

Everything and everyone has pretty much been telling me that, the way it is, it's not worth it. You can't be on the fence with someone you love. With someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Every interaction stings. It's like hot sugar to the skin.

I wonder how you would feel if you no longer become the first priority of my heart? It hurts to think that you won't care at all. I don't want to betray my love.   

You know when you care for something so much, you do everything in your power to make sure it works out even though failure was always inevitable. 

Stop running toward dead ends.

I'm so emotionally exhausted trying to keep up with someone who won't acknowledge me. I wish this person thought I was as special as I think of them. I'm done trying, I always just feel so hollow. 

It makes me really sad that I can't be the person that gets to love you and support every part of you 

So bothered. So cautious. So apprehensive. So cold. So distant. It starts again. I settle again.  That's how deeply I love. I'm okay with going through all the pain just to enjoy moments with you.

Stop running toward dead ends.

The person I thought to be so great is unraveling. I no longer see a person I can look up to. More and more I see someone different from who I thought I knew. Not only that, I realize that this person is selective. To soak in superficial relationships, they tie knots on deep connections. It's just something I don't want to be around. 

I'm bored. 

You meet people for a reason, but on the opposite end of the spectrum that no one really talks about is, you also lose people for a reason, and I'm starting to think that's okay. 

Love is not forced. Why would I grovel on my knees for a person to spend the rest of their life with me? If the desire is not intrinsically there, is it even worth fighting for? 

Don't let people eat your mind. 

How do you know you love somebody? It's when they occupy your mind.

They say if someone loves you, you really feel it. 

There's this book called Fablehaven. I read it a couple months ago. I'm reminded of a scene in that book akin to what I'm feeling right now. A fairy was captured and trapped inside a jar by a young lad. It begged so desperately to be let out before nightfall because it would have dire consequences for the fairy, unbeknownst to the boy. The boy was insistent on keeping that fairy for himself. To admire its beauty and to satiate his curiosity. When morning hit, the fairy became corrupted. It lost its beauty and became a monster. I feel like that boy when it comes to people I love. I feel like my love, as tender as it is, chokes people. I'm learning to crave less and to detach more. Detach just at the right level where I can practice self-love. 

I subconsciously plant seeds into people's minds that influence them to act in a trajectory I desire. I know in the back of my mind that it's not always the best, and I'm trying to improve with this. I have been very self-aware lately, and I'm scared of my capabilities. When it comes to relationships, I have a way of digging my nails into people's peace of mind.  

Sometimes, I need help to keep up with people's energy.

This is the beginning of something great. I realized that I have an attached personality type. I'm so deluded by a little bit of affection from people that I stop objectively thinking about them. I just see them as my saviour. I think about that now, and it's repulsive. I don't know why it took me this long to realize that all this time, I've been my own hero. I'm all the affection I need.It's essential to embrace self-love before extending love to others. Only once you have learned to love yourself entirely can you offer genuine love to those around you.

 I thought about you today, and I feel very blessed to have you in my life. I think authenticity is hard come to by, and you are the most genuine person I know. 

I'm grateful for today. I'm feeling really happy. I have started thinking that everything eventually always gets better. Nothing is fixed in a state of discomfort. Furthermore, I'm really grateful that I'm no longer obsessed by how others perceive me. I'm starting to embrace me as myself.

I stay away because I know well enough how emotionally volatile I can be. You told be about all the emotional abuse you have been through, and I just have this fear that I'll become something that can harm you. I'm staying away for your sake. You don't know me like I know me. This is for the best. 

Here I am again ignoring my feelings for the sake of making you happy. It's the worst kind of people pleasing. 

You are going to disappear, and that's okay. 

There's a heaviness in my heart. A sharp aching feeling of dread. A feeling of unrest from unwaning.