I feel so vulnerable right now. It is so immensely sad, like floating on a river of sadness. Alone. Always so alone. The water is cold. So cold, I'm burning. The only heat I feel is the tears that flow along my cheeks. I'm flushed with misery. I look out and groan at the sky. 'Will I ever feel happy!'. Happy with meaning, happy with heft. I dwell on the past because that's where remnants of my joy linger. I'm a broken person; I feel like I'll always be. Always longing. Always falling short. Always looking for a temporary fix. I can't love right, and a person who can't love right isn't deserving of it. I feel so cold; my spinal fluid is liquid nitrogen. Every heavy breath is like a flash freeze.  I wonder if I'll ever get the type of love that will save me from myself. I wonder if something like that exists for a person like me.  Why are you always like this? Sometimes, I hate that I am you. 

I don't feel good today. The worst part of it is, everything is objectively good. I think the reason why I feel so off is because my highly paranoid brain has convinced me that I mean very little. My worth as person is diluted by the bustle of everyday life. I feel that with the trajectory of life I'll be diffused into almost nothing. Love, I felt, was the only thing that really tied all of me together, but lately the world has been unraveling. I have been starting to feel that relationships are transactional. I only ever mean something to someone because I'm able to satiate a need or want. I want a life that's full or joy and kindness. One where I never have to feel empty. One where I don't have to share how 'I don't feel good today.'

It's like I'm holding back a burst pipe. I'm tired of trying to make sure that not a single drop of water hits the floor. My hands tremble at the sheer pressure. Trying to show an outward appearance of "I'm okay." It's sad. I'm soaking in anguish. Wet from tears because idealism broke up with me. I don't even know if there's an end to this leak. Will it eventually run dry? I feel like I'm drowning.

You shouldn't, but you did anyway.  You left your chest open. You miss the snipers. One-hundred percent accuracy. You fall victim and die.  I hope that you feel fulfilled. 

It doesn't have to be you. It doesn't have to be anyone. It could just be my pillow. 

  I don't know what to feel about you anymore. It feels like something adjacent to love,  one where I settled. A little more lonely, A little bit sad, But a lot more freeing. So, I guess it's not too bad. I don't care anymore about whether I cross your mind.

It has been in the back of my mind for some time. It's not worth it anymore. I carry around hope like a winter jacket under a cold flash. I throw around expectations like snowballs. I build snowmen to keep myself company. It's not worth it anymore. It's not fun. I'm cold, freezing, in fact. 

  Lately, I've been feeling extremely aggravated by how you've been acting. On the few occasions where we can interact, you make an effort to be avoidant. Why is that? What's the point of you being around if we aren't even trying to bond or get along? Am I just overthinking this? Am I simply jealous of what others have with you? You know, I've been very insecure about how I should go about approaching you; it feels like any wrong move will split us farther apart. I know you don't hate me, but I hate this stagnation in our relationship. The root of all this frustration is I can't seem to connect with you, and any effort to try will only make things worse. On top of all that, I think you're purposeful; and the knowledge of my fragility does not bother you. I started feeling like you don't want me at all in any context, like I'm a burden, worthless, just some meaningless weed extremely root bound in your flower bed of perfect people. I feel like an ...

  You do your best to keep me happy, to make up for the fact that you can't be with me? I appreciate your kindness, but this is the last thing I want. I never wanted you to suffer; the whole reason why I fell in love with you in the first place is that I felt it in my being to care for you; to nurture you. Think it through; there's no win for me in this situation. Let me paint the picture. You become distant, and I get sad. When I see you, I'm reminded of how I can't be with you; I get sad. When you see me, you feel heartbreak, and you get sad, which makes me sad. When I'm distant, you move on; I get sad. Don't try to make me smile; when you're suffering, it's counterproductive. I just wanted to be honest with my emotions; I was fully prepared for every consequence, even your "I know that wasn't what you expected." I want you to be happy. Okay? You have no obligation to me. Stay true to your words; how you're acting right now shows just...

I would be lying if I told you I took that picture just because I felt like it. A big part of me wanted you to see me; see me be in the best light I could be. Despite everything, I still want you to be taken aback.  Low.

  Thanks for trying. I appreciate that. I kept it at that. I was a fool for thinking that was enough.

Is this what it felt like when I left? Is this what it felt like when I wasn't reliable when I wasn't there when you needed me? This feeling sucks. I'm sorry I made you go through all that.  Sorry, when I returned, my expectations were not realistic. I thought that you wouldn't grow sour; that was naive.  You've been gone a while, and I miss you. It feels like you're punishing me. I rationalize. I tell myself, you want space.  I get evil thoughts; the voice at the back of my mind says, you want to be rid of me because all I ever brought to you is misfortune.  You don't make me feel loved anymore. My mind floods with sorries; to apologize for notionless faults. A way to make things better. A way to travel back in time.  I feel like I'm not worth your effort anymore. Should I just cut the knot on this one? See where the tension leads? 

This makes me sad to say but the few times I've thought my life could ever be perfect is if I were with you. 

  I've been lamenting the death of what you used to represent for me. You used to make me feel confident, you used to make me feel loved, you used to make me feel important.      I made a wish, a difficult one to fulfill. I wanted you to build a dam that can carry all the pressure of a great deal of water. It was beyond your capability. The responsibility was too hard for anyone to carry. You worked day and night, making me think you could fulfill my wish, but...the dam collapsed. The waves took you along with it. You have washed away along with all of my one wish. I looked far and wide; I almost lost myself. Eventually, you returned, but things were different. We no longer saw each other the way we used to. I feel ashamed for thinking you could give a dam.      You used to be my symbol of greatness, but now, when I look at you...you remind me of everything it is I'm insecure about with myself. 

  I'm feeling sad; lately, I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I feel like my love for people is misplaced. 

Get a hold of yourself. Don't be overwhelmed by trivial things; you are capable, hardworking, and ambitious. Go at your own pace. You are your only competitor. 

I hate being alone, but sometimes I feel like have no choice in the matter. 

I have this weird theory in my head that the only times I dwell on people is if a sliver of me enters their thought. I think in some ways, it may just be a way to cope, but you don't know for sure, right? It's a bit nice to think that I cross people's minds sometimes. Especially ones I admire. 

I honestly wholeheartedly tried today. I just can't act like I'm okay around you. If I can be frank, I'd rather you just not talk to me. Meaningless interaction will not fix how you broke my heart.  "Don't try to speak to me; it's the last thing I want right now."

I'm starting to realize what the stinging sensation in my heart is. It's the feeling that I'm unimportant in people's lives. It's the thought that people are apathetic about the fact that I might be missing out. Soon enough, it will start feeling like a heart attack. I'm scared that I won't be able to get through the trauma. I'm scared that people will only take me for what I am, desperate and scared.