I don't feel good today. The worst part of it is, everything is objectively good. I think the reason why I feel so off is because my highly paranoid brain has convinced me that I mean very little. My worth as person is diluted by the bustle of everyday life. I feel that with the trajectory of life I'll be diffused into almost nothing. Love, I felt, was the only thing that really tied all of me together, but lately the world has been unraveling. I have been starting to feel that relationships are transactional. I only ever mean something to someone because I'm able to satiate a need or want. I want a life that's full or joy and kindness. One where I never have to feel empty. One where I don't have to share how 'I don't feel good today.'

My nausea, It creeps in unexpectedly. I feel faint on my planet without gravity. Unallowed to fall. Unallowed to throw up. Can't empty my stomach,  I empty my heart. My tears flow but  float away where no one sees. My nausea hit, and the cycle begins once more.

Breathe. Conceal your anger.  Think. Indirect aggression. Sarcastic appreciation. Use them, and dispose of them. Let go. 

To all the people who plant this seed of doubt in my mind about my capabilities, I rebuke you. I pull you and your roots out of my brain. You are simply a conglomeration of unnecessary distractions, a rootball so dense grasping for validation through destroying my and others' self-confidence. At the end of the day, the most meaning from life comes from the kindness you are able to show. With how you are and how you act, I foresee an extreme decline in some level of your life. 

I dislike you.  You're just not that great of a person. Overly sensitive in all the wrong areas.  Extremely skeptical of my intentions; Radical thoughts that I might get you. Biased. Your 'organize.' Misplaced things. Things gone.  Wreck and steal, they bring nothing to the table. It bothers you that I can put things back.  It bothers me that you don't notice.  You're disgusting.  Deliberate with an innocent facade;  only tolerant in front of an audience.  I know you will never have everything you can possibly want. That gives me peace of mind. 

I have people around me who bring nothing to the table; I think more and more that their company is simply a waste of time. I shouldn't say that, but that's how I think. When I'm around them, I just feel absolutely nothing. The conversation is not stimulating. There's no sort of progression; it's dull throughout. Their interests are so small in scope that it's hardly palatable. They are so concentrated on what they know they've become exclusive. So dull; I think I knew that for quite a while, but these bursts of loneliness cast such a big shadow that it made me stop realizing it. 

Be my ears. I'm around people that capitalize on the fact that I'm tolerant and considerate.  High conscientiousness is my downfall. 

Nothing is more infuriating than people resorting to fraudulent activity to make money when they are more than capable of making an honest living. People who scam others out of money earned through blood, sweat, and tears are simply unfeeling. Scammers don't realize the gravity of what they do. They quite literally ruin lives, especially in a society where money makes things turn. There's no justifying what they do. They know what they are doing is wrong and yet made the conscious decision that monetary gain outweighs ruining people's lives. I hope for a world that punishes evil intent. 

Imagine being so caught up in your intelligence. It's so telling. It has insecurity written all over it. Things don't work your way because I'm 'intrusive'. You're starved because some part of you is rotten. I put up with it because people like you don't digest criticism well, especially from someone you think is 'less than'. I think intelligence dies when you close your mind.

Sometimes, I find it insufferable to be friendly to overly guarded people. It feels like trying to hug a thorn tree. It feels like my efforts are futile. What's worse is when someone thinks my affection is like a chainsaw. I feel like people put teeth on me before they even meet me, and when they do meet me, I feel like there's superglue in the dentures. That gory image stays. I can't find people to get along with. 

I'm totally fine with being wrong. Everyone is wrong at some point in their lives. What's upsetting is that people are quick to dismiss you without having proper footing. I don't understand that; it's so messed up. Prove to me that I'm wrong. Prove to me that you have the knowledge and the skill to put me down. The idea that people find satisfaction in making you feel less-than is disgusting. I'm starting to understand why sometimes I'm not too fond of people's company. 

Selective apathy, I'm having difficulty deciding whether it's a blessing or a curse. By my definition, selective apathy is taking control and choosing to not care about aspects of my daily life that I feel betray me. I think my dilemma stems from the fact that there's a fine line between taking care of myself and avoiding difficult conversations. 

To feel both ashamed and liberated by your To be both elated and sad that the weight you carry no longer holds you down. To be hopeful and give up at the same time. 

It's like I'm holding back a burst pipe. I'm tired of trying to make sure that not a single drop of water hits the floor. My hands tremble at the sheer pressure. Trying to show an outward appearance of "I'm okay." It's sad. I'm soaking in anguish. Wet from tears because idealism broke up with me. I don't even know if there's an end to this leak. Will it eventually run dry? I feel like I'm drowning.

Simply put, you broke me. You hide behind your euphemisms. You say "thoroughly enjoyed" when you play with my emotions. You say "weathered down" when you mangled me. You say "replaced" when you left me in loathing. "It was an accident."  Here's a euphemism for you. Scaredy cat. 

 I have a deficit in something. That is something I wish I knew.  I stuffed my face with relief. But I was still starving. Part of me isn't getting what it needs. That part, I wish I knew. I try for good dreams,  I wake up exhausted. A solution? Maybe a firm resolution? I wish I knew.

It's hard to be productive when you're feeling lonely. 

It's not my job to make sure you're happy.  That's on you.  It has always been on you.  Why should I feel guilty?  You're choosing to be a running contradiction.  I just wish you would make your mind up;  kills two birds with one stone.  All of what you're feeling is a result of your actions.

Dear Machiavelli, I struggle to comprehend why you think your actions are permissible. You take my kindness like gum. You chew through my tolerance and spit me out after your gains. Victims love you. Blind to your deceit. I am at a deficit. I watch you with evil eyes and a conscientious mind. Cautious indifference. No hex, simply the pleasure of knowing that one day your lies will catch up to you, providing a punishment that is far worse than my disbarring glares.

  The funniest and most fallible thing about people is that individual perception is subjective. Words and actions will always have mixed reviews. It's not a mistake just because you don't benefit from it. It's not a mistake just because you're lonely. It's not my mistake that you're angry; that's your mistake.