I'm trying my best to hold onto the things dear to my heart. I'm learning to just embrace the quiet of things, to just to just love what is in front of me. If anyone wrongs me, even if they don't intend to, then I'll focus on appreciating everything else. It's a burden to the heart to be angry or to feel like a victim. It's a burden in the mind to constantly be thinking about betrayal. If betrayal does come. My love and my light will shine somewhere else. I'm devoting myself entirely because that's what feels right. That's what feels warm. That's what brings me peace of mind and soul. 

Sometimes, in the solitude of my thoughts, I wonder how you perceive me. Generally, I wonder if you see me with contempt. The idea of that makes me feel unsettled. I want you to be cared for. 

I subconsciously plant seeds into people's minds that influence them to act in a trajectory I desire. I know in the back of my mind that it's not always the best, and I'm trying to improve with this. I have been very self-aware lately, and I'm scared of my capabilities. When it comes to relationships, I have a way of digging my nails into people's peace of mind.  

Sometimes, I need help to keep up with people's energy.

I realized that sometimes, the best to do for people going through difficulty is to show a brave front. 

It's partly my fault why I feel so sensitive right now. I worked so hard on building this hard shell because of past hurt, but I still fell into the trap of company. I let a little warmth into my life, and just like dipped soft serve, I am left melted and disappointed. 

I have people around me who bring nothing to the table; I think more and more that their company is simply a waste of time. I shouldn't say that, but that's how I think. When I'm around them, I just feel absolutely nothing. The conversation is not stimulating. There's no sort of progression; it's dull throughout. Their interests are so small in scope that it's hardly palatable. They are so concentrated on what they know they've become exclusive. So dull; I think I knew that for quite a while, but these bursts of loneliness cast such a big shadow that it made me stop realizing it. 

Self-management, at least for me, is having no room at all in my mind for how unhinged people can act toward me. 

I find it difficult to be in any sort of relationship because I'm viciously reactive. A lot of what makes me this way is past hurt and abandonment. It's like a disease that eats away at my self-confidence. I find that stepping back, slowing down, and taking everything in incrementally makes the act of building a relationship so much more pleasant. I'm trying to drop this mentality that people are out to scorn me. I'm not completely there yet, there's still distrust that clings on, but I definitely feel a lot lighter now. 

I hate the upkeep of friendship when I want to focus on bettering my life. I don't think friendship should be exhausting.

Why? Because you are maladaptive to my state of mind, and it's too much effort and expectations from both sides to change. Let's just get the fuck away from each other's chrysalis and turn over a new leaf.

I don't know how to act in a way where I reassure someone that they're the only one I have eyes for. I always sense heartbreak and never know what to do about it. I always feel guilty. I could talk to fewer people, but that would make me depressed. I could be more reserved, but it just makes me feel inauthentic. I just wish people trusted in my character. 

One thing I started noticing is that friendships can be so transactional. It's great to support each other, but sometimes I think the basis of some cordial support is to show that you aren't 'alone' rather than being happy with the company. I don't know; I don't like that 'keeping up with appearances' mentality; it's suffocating. I would rather be alone. 

It's just, why would I be around people who don't enjoy my company? Why should I be around people who make me feel shitty about my decisions? Why should I be around people who make me feel agony, guilt, and remorse? Why should I pretend to be enjoying myself? I'm not a sheep.  

  I realized something very odd about myself. I genuinely enjoy people's company, but I'm overwhelmed by the idea of upkeep.

Don't get it misconstrued. My intentions are clear; I make an effort out of friendship, not because you perceive longing from me. It's so frustrating how my interactions have become seemingly like an attempt to make you fall in love with me. I'm just trying to be nice. I pace out the attention I give you. I make sure I'm consistent to not overwhelm you. I'm trying my best to balance you out.  

  I am not going to apologize for my sincerity. I'm not at fault that you can't handle my harsh approach; your sensitivity will not censor my opinion. "You should act nice." The root word. Act. I'm not going to act. I say what I say with full conviction and with full intent. I'm not your enemy; it's your own delicacy. I wish people saw my intentions instead of picking out my words. I try to be helpful, yet I'm scorned.

Same excitement and respect; let's try that. 

Have you ever been afraid to admit that you are falling out of love with someone? For some reason, I am. My person has provided so much structure to who I am and who I want to be. The thought of them leaving is synonymous with the idea of me losing a part of my identity. Repetitive heartbreak taught me that; my love is simply a bewildering attempt to find myself. I no longer feel like we could be together. I'm happy for you, but not in the way that "it makes happy that you're happy." In a way, I'm utterly apathetic to who you want to be with; you don't deserve me. I feel a duty to preserve my happiness. 

  I hate to say it, but I'm on my last ounce of magic; I don't want it to go, but all you've been doing are tricks.