The dreams linger. I don't feel any sense of sadness anymore. To me, it's just odd. I guess my soul still carries love. 

I don't understand why people always push their beliefs and ideologies onto others when there's no negative externalities to how people live their lives. Why would you generate so much hate? Is there gratification in ensuring your absolute dominance? It's almost as if hate is a hobby for people. It's disgusting. It's become this hysteria of hate towards different groups. Why can't we just focus on loving? Why can't we just leave people be? Virtuous kind people suffering from the hands of bigots. Free love. 

Doing what makes you happy gives life meaning.  

It doesn't feel good holding onto all this resentment. I no longer want to be tied down by the past. It took up so much of my person. I'm going to lose who that person was. I'm going to welcome someone different, someone better. 

I get pulled back into my hurt like a hex. I remember how my dignity was blighted, and my spirit was disfigured. Evilest are my eyes for the curses in my heart. So many supercuts in my sharp memories. Each one, like an open wound.  State of helplessness. Deserted. Lonely. Drowning into the sand, to be buried in fear and anxiety. To be alone in the death of your soul . For you to make me feel all this evil, and with so much of my good gone, I curse you.

You did all that just because wanted that big of a space between us huh? Am I that much problem for you? You're despicable. 

There's an emptiness about me that I can never describe. For some time I thought it was guilt, but the more I soak in this feeling, it's more like a feeling of dread. A know of few time where I didn't feel this way, though, those moments are always fleeting. There's never anyone that wants hold me tightly. Never anyone that brings me lasting peace of mind. It's uncomfortably cold.

"What's dangerous is when the universe picks you, and you put on the magic glasses. Some rules go with them. You can never take them off. You never see things as they're supposed to be; you see things as they are. And you can never force anybody else to wear them." ~ Dick Gregory

Every thought is filled with rage. I didn't think I had the capacity to carry this much hate in my heart. It's a reflection of the damage you cause. It's an intense feeling of wanting all wrongs to move towards you. I hate seeing you. I hate how you abused my humility. I hate your wicked sense of morality, how you justify the hurt you bring me. You have wronged me. You don't deserve peace.

I saw your expression. That look of concern when unconcern is your anthem. Your hypocrisy fills me with rage. You left a stain that stays evermore. It's disgusting. To scrutinize my company; how foolish of you to think you have that privilege after all you have done. You have no claims over me. Nor power. You left my soul battered and bruised. I cry often now. I never deserved any of those beatings. Not from anyone.   All misery that befell me, I pass unto thee. 

Even in suffering, there's kindness. I was shown that today. In my dimmest moments, I'm reminded that there are always aspects of life to be grateful for. That gesture of selflessness today meant so much to me, more than you know. To who you are, may you be blessed and may you be loved. You brought me light, and for that, I will make beauty in what I see. 

When I spiralled into that state of confusion, guilt, and self-scrutiny, you enjoyed the seat of a victim. I'm filled with anger because you lack empathy. In my suffering, you stood idly. I'm filled with fury because you never acknowledge how you ruined me. I gave you the deepest form of my love. I gave you my honesty. In all my attempts to make it work, betrayal was always on your mind. You are not elusive; you are confused and emotionally manipulative. You would rather hurt me than confront your sense of identity. I'm not some social experiment to test the waters. I never deserved any of that. I weep for myself. You don't deserve peace.

Don't go ruining people just because you don't know who you are. 

I am always apologizing for my feelings. Always giving more than what's good for me. Acts. Always the martyr. Someone who is never at fault and always devout. False. I am forever condemned for knowing and seeing more. Holy, you preyed on that. You are false in every sense. Unfeeling. How could you make me carry it all? How dare you indulge in my love and present me with disdain. You have wronged me. May days be dry and lifeless. May thirst and hunger plague. May the mind run wild, driven to insanity. The soul that never finds peace. Agony. Despair. Guilt. Revelation.  Confess your sins. It's always his forgiveness. False.

It's the little amount of hope and want left in your heart for a person who departed. When you burn through the residuals, they almost cease to exist. I have reached the capacity of pain I can handle. When I can bear it no longer, the dragon comes out. The dragon makes me realize that, truthfully, there's nothing that should hold me back. The dragon keeps me safe. I have a flame burning in my soul.   I want absolutely nothing to do with you. I thought I could find solace in rekindling something meaningful; I guess not. It was never meaningful to you; you toyed with my emotions. Someone as confused and ashamed as you should be detested and met with disdain. Someone who makes other people carry all the burden, all the guilt, all the memories should suffer, should burn. I  wasted so much time on somebody who doesn't even really know who they are.  It is always so easy for someone like you to make a scapegoat out of me. I know who you are behind that mask. There's peril in

You don't think highly of me anymore. I'm upset, but I am sort of used to it. I wake up every day knowing I'll never measure up to society's standards. I'll just keep trying my best...

There's a lot of strength in expressing your feelings, even if it may cause some pain. I'm going to respect your wants now. I dug for some advice as to what to do, I thought that bettering myself would get me closer to you. It did not, I felt that I was sufficient in everything that I could do. I'm told that if there's truly no room for me then I just need to learn to accept that and let it go. It's time to stop thinking about the past and worrying about the future. I'm going to start enjoying the present. 

Let it go; let it be. 

I often wonder if you think it's in your best interest to completely cut ties with me. I wonder if you perceive me as a sort of slow lingering poison. I wonder if I hurt you. I don't want to hurt you ever. If I must leave, then so be it. 

I wonder if you have this same feeling of longing for me as I feel for you? In my ideal world, you would. 

You occupy my thoughts. It's never anything bad regarding you. I just have worries about your well-being. It's strange. I always just want to make sure you are okay. 

I held back all of what I felt because I thought it was for the best. I feel so much better now that I am able to express my adoration. In my preemptive attempts to hold back heartbreak, I had filled my heart with sadness and despair instead. I held back because I was afraid of getting hurt, but in my avoidance, I felt crushed under the weight of your hurting gaze. I turned a blind eye to what was important because I was paranoid and jealous. I thought to myself, someone as amazing as you would surely slip away from my fingers, would surely hurt me, would surely abandon me. I think maybe it's a dishonour to think that way of you. It's a dishonour to assume the worst from you. I believe that you love me, and I know that I love you. That's more than enough of a reason for me to keep you warm.

I'm trying my best to hold onto the things dear to my heart. I'm learning to just embrace the quiet of things, to just to just love what is in front of me. If anyone wrongs me, even if they don't intend to, then I'll focus on appreciating everything else. It's a burden to the heart to be angry or to feel like a victim. It's a burden in the mind to constantly be thinking about betrayal. If betrayal does come. My love and my light will shine somewhere else. I'm devoting myself entirely because that's what feels right. That's what feels warm. That's what brings me peace of mind and soul. 

I will remain true to my heart. I will remain true to my love. For until our souls are tied, I will be there for you. 

I'm tired of feeling inadequate. I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm tired of being swallowed up by words. I'm tired of soaking in my hurt. I'm tired of thinking about ways to fix impossible problems. I'm trudging forward. I don't know why I sunk myself to this idea that my redemption is in self-destruction. I realize it's not my duty to fix you. I did all of that I could. In all the sharp words, looks of contempt, feelings of discomfort. I'm trudging forward. 

Sometimes, in the solitude of my thoughts, I wonder how you perceive me. Generally, I wonder if you see me with contempt. The idea of that makes me feel unsettled. I want you to be cared for. 

In my mind you have died. I'm grieving your loss. I'm grieving for all the times I can no longer be with you. For weeks I have been petrified by the future. One where you're not there seems so dim.

I'm just a few words forgotten. Temporary. 

Oh, I feel so small lately. Everything and everyone just feels so daunting. I hope I start feeling better again. 

When we walked together or whenever we sat together and talked, that was the only few times in my life where I felt heard, and where I felt seen. I loved those days. Though, It's never a fairytale ending right? Something changed. All of a sudden, I felt disinteresting to you. I felt that I wasn't enough. It hurt me so much. I wanted to disappear. You the preacher, go against your words. 

I threw away all my pride. Shamefully poured out all my regret and remorse. In my nakedness, I wasn't wanted. I cry too often these days. I'm so ashamed for trying win you back. At the very least my principles held. If hadn't said what I said, I would have probably regretted it until I die. I love you so much. I said and did all those horrible things because I yearned for your love, and there were long days when it felt like you didn't love me. I was lonely and hurting for days. 

Pessimism: you always just assume the worst. Paranoia: you always just think that you are easily replaceable. Low self-esteem; you feel you are easily replaceable. Low self-worth: you get frustrated when someone else outperforms you.  Clingy, you want too much of their attention. Overly attached; you don't give them space to breathe. Lack of communication; you don't give them a heads up when you don't feel like yourself. Avoidant; you run away when your ideals are not met.  Sensitive; you inflate every little expression, thought, and emotion. Selective: you only take time to check on people when you feel good. Naïve: you think that your actions are always for the best when maybe they are not. Overthinker, you plan for negative scenarios that have not happened.

I am sorry I couldn't keep you tight in my arms. I am not strong like you are. 

I am cursed because I remember a lot of what people tell me, and get attached to their vulnerability. I create attachments when my hands are frictionless. I slip away, and cause tremendous sadness and chaos. 

I think now that I established what everybody feels. I feel a lot more settled down. There was so much ambiguity about how they viewed me that I felt very confused. Now that I know for sure that they want nothing to do with me at all. I feel that I can fully let go. I think to say 'it's done' was the healthiest outcome, because the one thing that got my mind in a scramble was hope. If I can't hope for a relationship, I can't be in pain for one. 

I think that I'm hurting because I regress to good days. I keep forgetting that I left for a reason. I wasn't feeling good nor did I want to fake my happiness. It's just so painful to see people. My social anxiety gets so bad.

I have completely forgotten to be a kind person. I need to be a light again. 

It's easier for me to assume the worst. The picture is, I am unkind...and I guess that's okay. I have nothing to prove.

It's just not the same.

I feel broken. I feel paradoxical. My wants conflict. 

Plentiful people with an abundance of energy, all in display. I'm not that. I don't not give too much. Though when I do, it's honest, warm, bright, and loving. I wonder how you feel that you no longer receive any of it? I know that there's always going to be someone there better than me, and I'm hopeful that you will find that person. However, my value is that there's no one there exactly like me, and loves the way I do. 

We all have shadows. Love doesn't choose; it accepts, and it allows growth. Day by day, I'm trying to make peace with the monsters inside me. The most stubborn one lives in my heart. Avoidant and void. 

I don't have the capacity for emotionally unavailable people. I just think because I feel so deeply, I pour too much, and feel tremendously empty, when I get nothing back. 

Make sure you stick to it this time. Make sure you stick to it this time. Make sure you stick to it this time. Make sure you stick to it this time. Make sure you stick to it this time.

My mind is restless. 

I get stranded on the idea...but when I do...I remember every way I have been hurt and betrayed by you. I remember every way you shrugged away heart. When I look at you now... I feel nothing. Nothing just like how flames are blown away, you cease to exist. I took your act of apathy and it became my reality. Everything you showed me you can do I put into practice. You can be happy, you can be upset, you can feel everything. I'm no longer there to watch any of it. The blatant truth is, if you cared about me, you would have already communicated that. 

I feel that when I'm infront of people I project myself as this frozen moment in time. That event right before a supernova, when gravity pushes everything into the center, a cusp of an implosion. I keep everything in to avoid destruction. Although, I feel that I bring myself to destruction. 

There's so much pressure to be exceptional; to stand out from everybody else. It's exhausting. Can we just embrace how complex each of us really are versus filtering through groups of people, establishing some baseless hierarchy?

It feels like an organ being pulled out of me.