In my mind you have died. I'm grieving your loss. I'm grieving for all the times I can no longer be with you. For weeks I have been petrified by the future. One where you're not there seems so dim.

Why is there resistance when people speak about the bad parts of everyday life?  People always try to display pessimistic feelings through a positive frame or through comparison. No. There's as much value in knowing just how bad things are versus how great things can be. There wouldn't be any joys in life if we didn't first know and understand everything that makes it bad. We cope according to our hurt and pains. I think it's important to acknowledge that every emotion contributes to the best version of ourselves, not just the ones that makes us feel good.

I ran for the train. I miss. 'It passes.' A gust of wind follows. Cold air dances under my garments. Hairs peaked by the show. The ordeal left chaos in its path. Dust blew in all sorts of ways,  It left me feeling dazed. My lashes failed to catch a bunch. I get cold and teary-eyed, Miserable for a while. Then get over it and smile. I wait for the next train.

Happy for everyone. I guess that's what really matters? Yeah.

Simply put, you broke me. You hide behind your euphemisms. You say "thoroughly enjoyed" when you play with my emotions. You say "weathered down" when you mangled me. You say "replaced" when you left me in loathing. "It was an accident."  Here's a euphemism for you. Scaredy cat. 

  You know better,  but you always fall into this trap A pit of fire.  You spit out flames. You go too far. Wash me over with logic, Not the biofuel that is my emotion. I know I know better,  It just needs to show I need to grow.

  I don't know what to feel about you anymore. It feels like something adjacent to love,  one where I settled. A little more lonely, A little bit sad, But a lot more freeing. So, I guess it's not too bad. I don't care anymore about whether I cross your mind.

  You do your best to keep me happy, to make up for the fact that you can't be with me? I appreciate your kindness, but this is the last thing I want. I never wanted you to suffer; the whole reason why I fell in love with you in the first place is that I felt it in my being to care for you; to nurture you. Think it through; there's no win for me in this situation. Let me paint the picture. You become distant, and I get sad. When I see you, I'm reminded of how I can't be with you; I get sad. When you see me, you feel heartbreak, and you get sad, which makes me sad. When I'm distant, you move on; I get sad. Don't try to make me smile; when you're suffering, it's counterproductive. I just wanted to be honest with my emotions; I was fully prepared for every consequence, even your "I know that wasn't what you expected." I want you to be happy. Okay? You have no obligation to me. Stay true to your words; how you're acting right now shows just...

  Hurt people hurt people; couldn't be more true. 

  Why would you ask me questions like that? How can you be so unfeeling? Why would I want that? You know what I want. Leave me alone with your nonsense. 

  I've been researching how love is supposed to be. Everything was coherent and consistent with what I was going through; It reinforced my emotions and observations about you. However, during my look, a line of reasoning shifted my center of gravity. "because if you loved someone, why wouldn't you tell them." My conclusion is you don't love me. Or, unlike me to you, your love doesn't prevail in every context.

And just like that, you're meaningless. Another temporary insignificant piece of my life. 

  How about just looking at me? Can't you even look? Am I that distorted, disfigured? It's like a permanent marker, "undeserving," carved on my temple. Don't you care enough? Fine. 

  Thanks for trying. I appreciate that. I kept it at that. I was a fool for thinking that was enough.

  I don't understand what you are feeling or thinking; all I know is I'm worried for you. I wished you had trusted me enough to let me know what was going on. Sadly, I can't expect you to give me that. I'm just here until you need me. I don't know if all this will expire; I just hope there are no losers from it.

Why are you still feeding into the idea? You are the loser; just get over it. Let the person be. 

  You are genuinely kind. I just fell in love with...you; all of what you are. I'm wrong for thinking that you used me for your own validation. You do love me, just not how I want you to. It would be a lie to say I'm okay with that, but what can I really do? I can't just blow a candle and be with you. I want your unconditional love.  

Today I saw you, or at least I think I did. Maybe a figment of you? Anyways, I saw you with someone else; more of a stranger to me than you. I played the scenario in my head multiple times, and I thought I would feel okay about it, but I wasn't. I was unsettled, slightly green even. I'm a little frustrated because boundaries were set, but I can't seem to respect that. "Love conquers all," I guess? I'm ridiculous. Whatever the case, the conclusion has been and will always be "me." 

This makes me sad to say but the few times I've thought my life could ever be perfect is if I were with you. 

I feel obligated to say I'm feeling "alright" in my moments of vulnerability because I don't feel secure enough to tell you I'm lonely. To tell you I have issues, that my soul feels unsettled, and that you made a mistake.