December 29, you lost me. More so, I lost you, I guess. Both are incredible and saddening. More so saddening, I guess. I see all of what you are now, Facts, ideals and probabilities. You are not what you are cut out to be. I was blinded by love, I guess.

I feel like I've mastered likability. I'm just not sure if it's worth it. Despite the appearance of being a social butterfly, I'm actually quite lonely. Not only that, I've become shallow. My conversations have lost any deep meaning. I have this library in my head of facts about people I can use when there's nothing to talk about or I'm feeling socially anxious. You might think to yourself, wow, how genuine of this person to remember all these things about the people in their life. This person must really care. Don't let that fact fool you. Everything I know has a shelf life. I only ever keep what I need. I hate myself for it, but that's all I have ever been. I lost this sense of caring for others. When I'm approachable, that's because I save face. I like you because I don't want you to criticize how much of a psycho I am. I don't know how to chase relationships, just how to chase labels. I like being around people who make me feel as

I feel like hostility comes from a place of constant hurt and discomfort. 

I love people, and I will never stop loving people, but I'm choosing to detach myself. It's not wrong of me to think individualistically. I feel the need to be selfish because there has never been a person in my life that has really left a mark of selflessness. Human beings, although social creatures are self-centred. I feel that almost no one can disagree. Life now is a losing game for givers. My perspective on how to live life right now is to enjoy my quiet successes, be selfish, and be humble. 

Sometimes, simply falling into humility can be the best thing you can do for yourself. I'm choosing just to be kind to the people who belittle and disregard me. In that way, at least I'll know for sure It's not me that's shitty. 

I feel like I have built such a robust avoidance mechanism of coping that I'm no longer challenging my comfort zone. I find that life is becoming increasingly difficult because I inflate everything wrong and everything that can go wrong. Because of that, I hide in this cave of safety. I know if I let issues pile on, I'll be trapped, but how can I leave when outside feels so monstrous? 

For someone who thinks a lot, I'm insensitive to the gravity of what I say and do. I feel so much sorrow when I think my affection gets in the way of people. I'm starting to realize that love can, at times, be malice. My brain tells me to feel shame while my heart cries out for liberation. I feel the need to apologize for loving. I feel the need to completely disappear. 

What is it that makes me addicted to you? Objectively, you add little value to my life, yet it's like I can't live without you. You stimulated a part of my brain that brings me so much fulfillment. I loved that sense of motivation and purpose. I told you I was there romantically, and you shut that down. My feelings festered because it's inhuman for it to just go, you know. I wonder if the way I feel heartbreak is peculiar. I wish someone could tell me. I take longer than average to be completely unloving to my dearest. I'm trying to cope with the fact that I don't deal with romantic rejection well. The biggest reason why is I'm not the type to fall in love with implicit acts of affection. I sense the love from explicit acts of passion. I linger on rejection because people act on their desire for me, yet when I reciprocate, they vanish. Ghosts to the undead me. It's so cruel and so confusing. I narrowed my next step to reciprocating apathy. I'll be the go

I'm not going to let you make me feel less than myself. You reminded me just how horrible it is to alter myself for others' affection. If I'm too much of something, that's on you. I think I radiate when I'm not held back by your or others' contempt and intolerance. Furthermore, I don't want to have a relationship with someone who finds my love putrid. Is it so wrong for me to love unconditionally? It is so bad to be unbound by the constructs of society. My love is raging water; it could bring so much life, yet there is always a dam. To be damned by a world you love that's true sorrow. 

There's something missing there. Something I can't ever place my finger on. As hard as I try, I cannot figure it out. I don't know how I'm supposed to find fulfillment. I'm lost, with nowhere to start. I thought I could find my purpose through another person, but it turns out that just made the void in my heart so much bigger. 

I set boundaries but can't even adhere to them. Is it not just utterly pathetic? I guess I psychoanalyze and manifest this idea that people are in need of my attention and affection. Perhaps maybe that is the case, but maybe I'm just not meant to be the one that gives it to them. It's sad, but that's the truth.

  I notice a pattern in the people I like. They don't seem to dwell on the idea of finding a lover, or at least they are not explicit about it. I feel like I'm biased to love people whose first inclination is to build a relationship with me rather than this desire to fill a hole in their hearts. 

Recovering from heartbreak does something very interesting; it makes you far less upset by new heartbreak. It makes me question if perhaps I just didn't love as much as the first time. I don't think that's the case, though. I'm confused whether this is resilience or I just accepted the norm that relationships aren't really cut out for me. 

  The first word that comes to mind is enchanted. I can't shake the feeling I get. Like thistles stuck on my skin. Doubling with every meeting. Glowing a shy pink. Like a pink panther, I beat around the bush. Slight advances. "Hoping this person notices." Time goes by quickly, and I miss words, not because I'm lost or uninterested but because I'm distracted by the thistles you put on my skin. 

  I just want my happy ending. The kind of like the ones I read and end up so green with jealousy.