jpenseur; Introspective Personal Journal, Poetry, and Anthology.

The world doesn't just stop because I'm overwhelmed. I have to push through any sort of internal negativity. Maintaining my life is a reflection of my self-love. Through, It's been really hard to practice that lately.

I feel dismantled at the moment. Remembering the moments. Recollecting. Collecting all of what I lost.  I feel a burning sensation in my throat.  Quiet groans and tears held back. Emotionally held back.  There's nothing I could have done differently.  It was a funnel.  It was fun until...

Time to focus on yourself. Practice your own autonomy. 

  My heart is broken. All the signs of "I don't really like you."

I don't want to use burn out as an excuse that stops me from finding success, but it's just so hard. 

There are so many talented people around me. Lately, I've been feeling inspired by their confidence. I don't want any sort of strength I possess to go to waste. 

I have kind of been thinking the worst thing you can do to yourself is not to put yourself out there. What do you really lose? If anything, there's something to gain. 

What do you do if there's a falling out of love? Do you shake the stagnant waters or simply go to where there are mountains? These days I feel like I have been settling for an in-between. From the mountains, I look out into the water. Watching still waters gives me peace but also a sense of aching. I yearn for waves, a sort of signal that there's still life. Hopeful that in the distance, there's still love. 

What I'm starting to learn is hustle doesn't just come from word of mouth. You can't automatically adopt it as a character trait just because hustle culture is becoming a trend. It's actually acquired through lived experience. You only ever understand hustles when you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. 

What separates a smart person from a knowledgeable person is a smart person questions what it is they learn. They look at all the facets of what they have learned versus a knowledgeable person that simply regurgitates what they hear and read. When a smart person is in the face of knowledgeable people, the knowledgeable person gives this aura of distaste and frustration because the smart person can't just accept what they heard. The fact that a smart person is questioning and inquisitive gets under their skin. 

I fall in love quickly, but that also comes with falling out of love quickly. I'm like a wick without the wax. 

Do I deserve to be scrutinized for being myself and feeling what I feel? I approach everything with humility and kindness. I don't deserve disbarring glares. I'm highly perceptive. I see someone's look and expression. I see everything, including words that linger in the back of their minds. 

Do you know what the biggest upsetting thing is to a validation seeker? It's when body language shows utmost intolerance. You can't help but wonder, 'what makes me so offputting.'

People have a tendency to focus on the negative aspects of a characteristic. The world labels the current generation as overly sensitive and emotional instead of conscious and mindful. Why is that? What is so wrong with feeling? I think past generations find it unsavoury because taking hold of feelings and emotions is such a foreign idea to them. Resilience is not about completely dismissing your feelings to move past a difficult situation. It also involves transcending beyond the physical to overcome internal barriers in ourselves. To both do the action and endure the feeling. 

A sad irony I noticed about everyday people is that the ones the most self-proclaimingly unbound by stereotypes are the same ones to label others by them. It's probably one of the biggest things I look out for when I meet new people. 

In my isolation, I figured out what I wanted. To be unapologetically motivated and driven by what makes me happy. 

Every time I see you, I feel like you are punishing me. I have been trying to avoid you not because I hold any sort of disdain for you, It's because you hurt me even when you don't intend to. 

I love you. You told me you don't reciprocate. I know not to want you. However, with every meeting gaze, I lose my senses. Blind to the one truth that matters. Enemy, to my mind, a slave to pathos. Myocarditis. I told myself to reciprocate. But I can't. I love you,  and you won't ever love me.  That's it.

I'm the type to want to talk to someone I'm romantically involved with about how I feel. I get so much anxiety when I'm alone with my thoughts about 'us.' I want to be able to understand where we stand. I have this giant want, but the issue is I'm not an initiator by nature. For me to initiate my emotions, I need to feel secure that the person on the other end is receptive and respectful. My voice can be, at times, powerful and overwhelming, but that's because there's so much passion and intensity in what I feel. I wrote about how love can, at times, be perceived as malice. At times, mine does. The thing is, I never intend for it to be. All I really want is to be heard by the person whose constantly in my mind. 

I'm not saying this from a place of negative feeling, but lately, doesn't the world seem a little bit bleak and uninteresting? I find myself constantly looking for something worth looking forward to, but I'm always left disappointed. I run in circles hoping to stumble upon some obstruction that would steer me in a different direction, but no, every day, the same err-free routine. Is this the effect of growing older? I thought I was supposed to be more appreciative of life, but instead, I've become more sensitized to how monotonous things are. 

I'm so extremely lost when it comes to relationships and loving people. Is there even logic to it? I think what's best is if I blindingly trust and follow my heart. I should just embrace the guiding principle of hedonism.

There's this feeling that's been looming over me that's been so uncomfortable. It's this need to act that if I don't work myself to the bone for the things I want, I won't succeed.