Dear,  My love is pure and bottomless. In all my wanting to serve and love you, I was killing myself. I slit my throat with daggers you threw at me. I heard that when you love someone so much, them hating you doesn't make you hate them, you hate yourself. I hated myself, really hated myself. I know that isn't fair to me though. My love is pure and bottomless. I don't deserve that. Sincerely,  

It's feels akin to a cliffhanger. Being unsettled. Heavy. Unexpected; like stepping on shit. You try every sort of move to get rid of it but it lingers. That's what it feels like. It feels shitty. Please stop haunting me. I just want a new pair. 

Interacting with people is really hard when I can't get the visual cues. I don't know how to be. It's so uncomfortable. I dislike this feeling of caution. 

 You worked so hard to get it out of your system that it become so hypocritical to welcome it back in. I call that kind of behaviour a toxic cycle. Forgive and forget. 

I set goals for myself with clear intentions for the future. One of those goals is finding a life partner. Someone to stay by my side and to be as unyielding and committed as I am. Someone who sees to it that I'm happy. Someone who makes my world a little better. A partner for life... the thought is daunting, but I wont settle for anything less. 

I don't think it's fair to miss me, when you're lonely. I don't think it's fair for you to want me back in your life, when I'm working so hard to build myself up again. 

I heard somewhere that in some ways we are linked to our soulmates. I might assuming but I always thought that I shared in my soulmates emotions. When I wake up feeling sad, I think that I'm sharing in their load. Love is when I don't mind. 

 It feels like an impossibility to forget the face of someone that you loved and hated so much. It's not however impossible. After all the mental hoops thrown at you, you suddenly feel okay. With face gone memories come with it. Emotions spent comes growth. 

 Never care too much about what someone's says whose never really been in your life. Opinions like that are superficial and frankly irrelevant to your well being. 

Today I thought about what makes me attracted to somebody. I think it's all about someone's mind. Someone who genuinely kind. Someone that's intelligent in all aspects. I think my attraction stems from how someone views and thinks about the world. 

I'm not easy to understand. I know because I living through me. I guess my best advice for someone who really wants to love me is revel in my probabilities; in my chaos theory, my randomness and unexpected tendencies. I can be complex but I know well enough that deep inside there's love and stability. The one variable that will always be true. The eye of the storm that will always be admiring you. 

A prank was pulled on me today. I just got home from work and I was jump scared. I don't know why but, it wasn't funny at all to me. In fact it was so debilitating and terrifying. In short I got really really upset. I got so angry that I said some messed up things, which I guess was an attempt to equal the 'wrong' that was done to me. I'm so defeated. I'm breaking myself down because I keep thinking that I overreacted but that was just my genuine reaction to that situation. I was angry. 

And just like that... You don't matter anymore. 

Today life is so good. I genuinely feel happy again.