jpenseur; Introspective Personal Journal, Poetry, and Anthology.

I know what's bad for me, and sometimes I keep myself in it because it feels right to torment myself. To punish myself for things I shouldn't blame myself for. For things I shouldn't be so hard on myself for. For things I can't control. It's self-sabotage. I have been doing this too often. Too much. I'm writing to remind myself to stop. To breathe. To look beyond and be better. 

At 25 people expect you to be running the world. What a ridiculous thing to see.

I dislike how performative my family can be. Why act better than you are in reality? I want to be person that has nothing to hide. 

You would expect a parent to be someone who pours all their love into their children. A role model. Somebody who builds people up. Encourages you. It's not the case for me. My father has always been somewhat absent in key moments of my life. I wouldn't say that he was never there. However, when he was, I never felt supported by him. When family is the focus of conversation, he always brings up ways we fail. Never our accomplishments, never our interests, never anything good. I grew up with a misconstrued perception of family.  I have always felt smaller than my father. Not because I lacked in any way, but because he tells me I do. I am a burden to him even when I help him with tasks he doesn't know how to do.  If I lash out in any way about the mistreatment. He tells me that my words don't hold weight because I have nothing to show for it. That all my accomplishments are worth recognizing. I don't have the greatest self-esteem as a result.  When things don't wor...

I feel lost. To be directionless and with little prospects, to me, is to be worthless. It's not fact but it's a reality we have been made to believe. A belief system that keeps me up a night with the symptoms of sorrow and dread. With little hope of recovery. 

I realized that I have been overinflating my problems. To the extent that it feels like my body is going to explode. It feel pressure I can't contain. I think about why I am like this and I think its because I was conditioned to be. Since I was young I am made to feel that I should live for other people. Live up to their expectations. Both implicitly and explicitly. For me to not be at a certain point in their expectation for my life. My problem of getting there becomes a bigger dragon. I want control over my life but in order for me to do so, I need to block all the external things that dictate what it should look like.

I lost something I held very dear to my heart. It's gone, and I feel like my whole world is going to collapse right now. Every time I start feeling like things are awesome, and things are going great something terrible happens. I hope I can get through this hurdle. Right now, I feel sick to my gut.