I'm okay with not being everyone's person. 

Lately I have been feeling like I have reached the cap of what I want from life. It's not an issue of motivation, it's a map problem. Who do I want be? 

I am currently facing the repercussions of an at fault mistake of mine. I been having a hard time digesting the emotional and mental trauma resulting from it. I have also been having a hard time detaching my identity from my mistake. I'm doing my best to cope and fix what I have done but the weight of guilt and embarassment feels so immobilizing. I admire people who are able to see mistakes not as a loss but as an opportunity to be better. I am thankful for all the people who would hold my hand when I'm in pain or feel irredeemable. I am greatful for the bigger picture set out for me. In all my uncertainty; I can trust that things will work out for the best for me. 

I have not been feeling confident; I look at myself in the mirror, and have been thinking  of how unappealing I can be. Nitpicking things outside of my control. Frustrated and upset by both the lack of and the excesssiveness of my features. It's really bad that I attach so much of my confidence to my appearance. A part of me realizes that I'm conditioned that way yet I don't give myself enough grace. I need to reframe my idea of what it means to be beautiful person. 

In my introspection, I realized that I used to view myself as something of a thorn. Not easily approached. Not something you kept. Something that hurts. I feel that my perspectives have been shifting lately. I'm less of a thorn and more of a cluster of acicular crystals. I'm not easily held, but I'm admired. I'm not to everyone's eyes for the few I'm proudly displayed. Sometimes I'm something that heals. I have full control of who I want to be. 

I have been feeling more and more comfortable with having just myself as company. There's no pressure to be misunderstood. I feel like I have a lot more capacity for goodness when I'm not contantly thinking about the channels at which I tune for clarity. I no longer hold the weight of other people's mind. I'm holding my own; managing my own. It has really opened my eyes about what matters to me.