jpenseur; Introspective Personal Journal, Poetry, and Anthology.

I realized that I have been overinflating my problems. To the extent that it feels like my body is going to explode. It feel pressure I can't contain. I think about why I am like this and I think its because I was conditioned to be. Since I was young I am made to feel that I should live for other people. Live up to their expectations. Both implicitly and explicitly. For me to not be at a certain point in their expectation for my life. My problem of getting there becomes a bigger dragon. I want control over my life but in order for me to do so, I need to block all the external things that dictate what it should look like.

I lost something I held very dear to my heart. It's gone, and I feel like my whole world is going to collapse right now. Every time I start feeling like things are awesome, and things are going great something terrible happens. I hope I can get through this hurdle. Right now, I feel sick to my gut. 

 I am never giving up on myself. 

Being with someone, with someone like me is hard. There's a lot mental gymnastics that comes with relationships that I don't feel equipped for. A lot of trying to prove myself. A lot of burnout. A lot of uncertainty. A lack of reassurance. I want to love but it doesn't feel safe to. It's a shame because there's something about thay kind of love that is so deep. Concentrated. Special. 

 Sunny Disposition

I have a complicated sense of belonging. I always feel like I am at an arms length with people. Close but not close enough for a warm embrace. That's just how it's always been for me. It's never been because I'm not open to closeness, I think it's because I hold up a mirror up to people and that can be a bit unsettling. It makes me unapproachable, and them dangerously transparent. 

 Why is it that some people are so quick to criticize other people lives? Does highlighting someone's struggle in some ways twisted way make their lives better? It's a strange thing to be subjected to that, when I love my life.