In all my things to get done. It always seems to find room in my mind. There's a mass in my chest, and it weeps. 

We just can’t meet each other where we are, and you know what? That’s neither of our fault. 

I now understand why I carry so much passive sadness and disappointment. It’s because I give my honest love to people who are not able to hold and cherish it. I give it to people who have a hard time seeing its crisp edges—people who only hear its whispers. I tolerate hurt because I’m naïve. I believe that if I love honestly enough, and if I love hard enough, then someone will love me too. I don’t want to hold on to that disappointment anymore. I am choosing to free myself from shaky hands and conflicted minds. There is no fruit in this field. I am choosing myself this time.

My mind is hard to manage. It has a hard time deciding if life is good or bad. It's never in a state of balance. It chooses a side and it stays there for a while. Right now it's depressive, unpleasant, and painful. It keeps telling me I'm a sort of slow poison. That I'm disappointing. That I'm not someone people should be around. I have this urge to hide away. To be unseen. To be un-known. To be un-feeling.  I have gotten really good at showing people that I'm good. That I'm always good. A seamless cut between my insides and the outside. It makes me feel nauseous a lot of the time. It's not socially acceptable to be sad all the time yet I can be. No one knows me. No one gets me, and that makes me the loneliest person in the world. 

I have not written anything in a while. I have not had the energy to. I have been feeling betrayed, not by anyone specific, but I guess just the world. It sounds overly dramatic but I have been having a hard time coping with how terrible people in this world can be.  I feel that the concept of merit is only afforded to people in power. People love to love people that can elevate them. In this world somebody like me has no power. Therefore somebody like me will always be, and will always feel alone.

No one knows me. No one thinks I am important enough to keep in their lives. I grow bitter each day. I get waves of the past reminding me how much neglect I actually faced growing up and am currently facing. There's been a lot of things that have surfaced that made me realize that I really have no one else in this world but myself. I need to create a life where I don't need to rely on anyone. Bonds mean nothing because no one is selfless. Everything is an act of self interest. I need to be more selfish to protect myself.