jpenseur; Introspective Personal Journal, Poetry, and Anthology.

I dislike how performative my family can be. Why act better than you are in reality? I want to be person that has nothing to hide. 

You would expect a parent to be someone who pours all their love into their children. A role model. Somebody who builds people up. Encourages you. It's not the case for me. My father has always been somewhat absent in key moments of my life. I wouldn't say that he was never there. However, when he was, I never felt supported by him. When family is the focus of conversation, he always brings up ways we fail. Never our accomplishments, never our interests, never anything good. I grew up with a misconstrued perception of family.  I have always felt smaller than my father. Not because I lacked in any way, but because he tells me I do. I am a burden to him even when I help him with tasks he doesn't know how to do.  If I lash out in any way about the mistreatment. He tells me that my words don't hold weight because I have nothing to show for it. That all my accomplishments are worth recognizing. I don't have the greatest self-esteem as a result.  When things don't wor...

I feel lost. To be directionless and with little prospects, to me, is to be worthless. It's not fact but it's a reality we have been made to believe. A belief system that keeps me up a night with the symptoms of sorrow and dread. With little hope of recovery. 

I realized that I have been overinflating my problems. To the extent that it feels like my body is going to explode. It feel pressure I can't contain. I think about why I am like this and I think its because I was conditioned to be. Since I was young I am made to feel that I should live for other people. Live up to their expectations. Both implicitly and explicitly. For me to not be at a certain point in their expectation for my life. My problem of getting there becomes a bigger dragon. I want control over my life but in order for me to do so, I need to block all the external things that dictate what it should look like.

I lost something I held very dear to my heart. It's gone, and I feel like my whole world is going to collapse right now. Every time I start feeling like things are awesome, and things are going great something terrible happens. I hope I can get through this hurdle. Right now, I feel sick to my gut. 

 I am never giving up on myself. 

Being with someone, with someone like me is hard. There's a lot mental gymnastics that comes with relationships that I don't feel equipped for. A lot of trying to prove myself. A lot of burnout. A lot of uncertainty. A lack of reassurance. I want to love but it doesn't feel safe to. It's a shame because there's something about thay kind of love that is so deep. Concentrated. Special.