I feel dismantled at the moment. Remembering the moments. Recollecting. Collecting all of what I lost.  I feel a burning sensation in my throat.  Quiet groans and tears held back. Emotionally held back.  There's nothing I could have done differently.  It was a funnel.  It was fun until...

I love you. You told me you don't reciprocate. I know not to want you. However, with every meeting gaze, I lose my senses. Blind to the one truth that matters. Enemy, to my mind, a slave to pathos. Myocarditis. I told myself to reciprocate. But I can't. I love you,  and you won't ever love me.  That's it.

What is it that makes me addicted to you? Objectively, you add little value to my life, yet it's like I can't live without you. You stimulated a part of my brain that brings me so much fulfillment. I loved that sense of motivation and purpose. I told you I was there romantically, and you shut that down. My feelings festered because it's inhuman for it to just go, you know. I wonder if the way I feel heartbreak is peculiar. I wish someone could tell me. I take longer than average to be completely unloving to my dearest. I'm trying to cope with the fact that I don't deal with romantic rejection well. The biggest reason why is I'm not the type to fall in love with implicit acts of affection. I sense the love from explicit acts of passion. I linger on rejection because people act on their desire for me, yet when I reciprocate, they vanish. Ghosts to the undead me. It's so cruel and so confusing. I narrowed my next step to reciprocating apathy. I'll be the go...

Sometimes you're just not part of the same puzzle box. 

I smile too much in the hopes of pleasing people. I'm putting him away. I'm going to start moving on.

  I thought being inquisitive would help me sleep, and it did for a while, but it left a curious side-effect. Tears would flow unexpectedly.

  Today tears flow like a waterfall.

  Lately, I've been feeling extremely aggravated by how you've been acting. On the few occasions where we can interact, you make an effort to be avoidant. Why is that? What's the point of you being around if we aren't even trying to bond or get along? Am I just overthinking this? Am I simply jealous of what others have with you? You know, I've been very insecure about how I should go about approaching you; it feels like any wrong move will split us farther apart. I know you don't hate me, but I hate this stagnation in our relationship. The root of all this frustration is I can't seem to connect with you, and any effort to try will only make things worse. On top of all that, I think you're purposeful; and the knowledge of my fragility does not bother you. I started feeling like you don't want me at all in any context, like I'm a burden, worthless, just some meaningless weed extremely root bound in your flower bed of perfect people. I feel like an ...

I no longer feel an ounce of attraction to you.  You can finally rest assured that I will never fall in love with you ever again.  You showed me a part of you that is too strong a rouge. I realize that I add nothing to your life.  I made that observation on that fact. You make an effort if it counts.  I'm not blind to situations. I'm not worth it.

  You do your best to keep me happy, to make up for the fact that you can't be with me? I appreciate your kindness, but this is the last thing I want. I never wanted you to suffer; the whole reason why I fell in love with you in the first place is that I felt it in my being to care for you; to nurture you. Think it through; there's no win for me in this situation. Let me paint the picture. You become distant, and I get sad. When I see you, I'm reminded of how I can't be with you; I get sad. When you see me, you feel heartbreak, and you get sad, which makes me sad. When I'm distant, you move on; I get sad. Don't try to make me smile; when you're suffering, it's counterproductive. I just wanted to be honest with my emotions; I was fully prepared for every consequence, even your "I know that wasn't what you expected." I want you to be happy. Okay? You have no obligation to me. Stay true to your words; how you're acting right now shows just...

Hey, I have been finding the past days, weeks, and even months difficult. I need some sort of closure. There's been one incessant thing that's been bothering me. So I'm just going to ask you one question.  Do you want me to love someone else? 

  Why would you ask me questions like that? How can you be so unfeeling? Why would I want that? You know what I want. Leave me alone with your nonsense. 

  I've been researching how love is supposed to be. Everything was coherent and consistent with what I was going through; It reinforced my emotions and observations about you. However, during my look, a line of reasoning shifted my center of gravity. "because if you loved someone, why wouldn't you tell them." My conclusion is you don't love me. Or, unlike me to you, your love doesn't prevail in every context.

And just like that, you're meaningless. Another temporary insignificant piece of my life. 

I needed a couple of reasons to hate you anyway.  You are insensitive about how I feel; You always have been. I turned a blind eye to that because I love way too hard. You lack conviction. You cling to an apathetic facade to avoid real issues in your life. You only ever acknowledge me when I reach out to you. I don't remember you ever checking up on me or ever worrying about me. It's always one-sided.  You grow and grow more like a stranger as the years have gone. I don't feel like you appreciate my company anymore.  You could live your life perfectly fine even if I weren't around. I realize your life would probably be so much better if I weren't around anyways. You probably think that too. You act in the manner that annoys me the most; I always push the idea to the back of my head, but, you know what, I hate that you're selfish. I hate that I have to hear you talk about how you are so deprived of love when I could give you all the fucking love in the world. How...

  Thanks for trying. I appreciate that. I kept it at that. I was a fool for thinking that was enough.

Too unsettled to do anything right now. I need to mend and reconstruct; only then is when I will feel ready.

How did you rationalize that it was okay for you to do that to me? I should be upset, but a part of me knows that you were just looking for the fundamental need for happiness. I was the same. You tested the waters to see if I could've been the one. That was selfish of you because you knew I was doing the same. The result of our experiments came to a contrasting realization. You realize that the one was elsewhere when I found my one in you. 

Why are you still feeding into the idea? You are the loser; just get over it. Let the person be. 

  You are genuinely kind. I just fell in love with...you; all of what you are. I'm wrong for thinking that you used me for your own validation. You do love me, just not how I want you to. It would be a lie to say I'm okay with that, but what can I really do? I can't just blow a candle and be with you. I want your unconditional love.