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Showing posts from April, 2024

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Me — i.e, jpenseur
Dear,  My love is pure and bottomless. In all my wanting to serve and love you, I was killing myself. I slit my throat with daggers you threw at me. I heard that when you love someone so much, them hating you doesn't make you hate them, you hate yourself. I hated myself, really hated myself. I know that isn't fair to me though. My love is pure and bottomless. I don't deserve that. Sincerely,  
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Be unassuming. Otherwise, you'll cry.
Me — i.e, jpenseur
The melancholy is always lingering just below the surface - almost like gum stuck to the bottom of my shoe. 
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Me — i.e, jpenseur
I'm so good at hating myself. If I put even just an ounce of that energy into being a better person, I think maybe I can get good at liking myself too. 
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Me — i.e, jpenseur
What I can't see won't hurt me. I love you to the point where a glimpse completely shatters me. I can't fix myself if I'm always met with a reminder. It's never you; not ever your fault once. 
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Me — i.e, jpenseur
I learned something about me that is so interesting but also so tragic. I generally don't care about how others view me, however, there are a select few that really matter to me. If I don't get the sort of support from the ones so close to my heart, I get so crushed. 
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Me — i.e, jpenseur
I think I'm broken. I don't see love the way I used to see love. It seems I'm no longer able to absorb it the way I used to. I think I have healed but the scars changed me. I don't know, I think I miss how I used to see love. It's no longer pink; tinged, slightly yellowed. I hope it gets better. Whatever better looks like. 
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Me — i.e, jpenseur
I wish emotions operated like a switch. I'm often overwhelmed with all of it. It would be nice to just turn it off once in a while. To not care. Caring is a double-edged sword. Happy and Sad at the same time. 
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Me — i.e, jpenseur
It's sad how sometimes the people you expect the most support from end up disappointing you. Making you feel insecure or not good enough for your ambitions.  
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Me — i.e, jpenseur
One commonality between successful people is discipline. I want to be more on top of things. I know that when I'm not, I'm not feeling my best. Yet, I never have this drive to fix things. I'm sure I wrote about this a few times but I guess this is another reminder. Hello me, work towards your goals and your happiness.
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Me — i.e, jpenseur
 I think for a long time I have operated under the premise that if I don't do my work at this given time, I will not succeed. Having recently acquired freedom over my time, I feel that I lost this sense of structure. It's neither good nor bad. It's just different from what I'm used to. I feel unproductive because because of this learning curve. 
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Love Calls.

Me — i.e, jpenseur
Today, I think you called me. Perhaps it wasn't even you. Still, it was really nice hearing you chuckle like that. I love making you happy. My day didn't start out that great, but you know what, you made it a little bit brighter. 
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Me — i.e, jpenseur
Not focusing hard enough on sleeping. Thinking too much about limerence and melodramatic crushes. At least thinking doesn't hurt anymore. 
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Me — i.e, jpenseur
I have that feeling again, when everything is hopeless. It's like I'm floating, and something is eating away at me from the inside. It's maybe that or maybe this, but all I know is it's not great at all. I'm not great at all.
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Me — i.e, jpenseur
 Breathe through it. Just breathe through it. You will be fine. Put on your best music, and just breathe through it. 
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Me — i.e, jpenseur
Why do I always let people who don't even think about me bother me? I'm forcing those people out of my mind like they did me. I know I can a have a life that's amazing if I just focus less on that waste. 
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Me — i.e, jpenseur
I had a hard day today. I felt like a puzzle coming apart. My body was precise, but my mind was scattered. I put a lot of energy into making sure none of my pieces fly away. Every day is an opportunity for self-development. That's a fact; it doesn't change based on how shitty you might be feeling.
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Me — i.e, jpenseur
Loss is a scary feeling. A taste of it, and I am a completely transformed person. 
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Me — i.e, jpenseur
I'm so full of joy. Joy that comes from the inside. Like a furnace, I keep the room warm. I'm full of joy, when I smile, they smile back. When I say incomprehensible weirdness under my breath people chuckle. My joy is my love, all encompassing, gentle, and meticulously caring. I am in love with my relationship with joy. 
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Ebbs and flows

Me — i.e, jpenseur
I found this very insightful video about life. To sum it up, it emphasizes the importance of accepting that life is a collection of ebbs and flows. That life isn't about just bathing in highs;  that a lot of life can also be mundane or unpleasant. All of life is okay. Once you realize that quiet and stillness are okay, the more you will be content. 
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Me — i.e, jpenseur
There are moments in my life where an alter ego takes over. He's driven and always locked in. He is sensible and makes the best decisions. When he's around I feel like I can do anything. 
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Me — i.e, jpenseur
I think what hurt really bad with failed relationships is being tied down to this idea of greatness. When you free yourself from those shackles the world shines a little bit brighter. 
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Me — i.e, jpenseur
The whole concept of confirmation bias is so interesting. The human tendency to find evidence based on our preexisting beliefs. If you were to tie that down with a positive bias, you could really rule the world. Love and peace. 
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Me — i.e, jpenseur
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Distance makes the heart go fonder. 
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Me — i.e, jpenseur
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Some days...
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