I feel so vulnerable right now. It is so immensely sad, like floating on a river of sadness. Alone. Always so alone. The water is cold. So cold, I'm burning. The only heat I feel is the tears that flow along my cheeks. I'm flushed with misery. I look out and groan at the sky. 'Will I ever feel happy!'. Happy with meaning, happy with heft. I dwell on the past because that's where remnants of my joy linger. I'm a broken person; I feel like I'll always be. Always longing. Always falling short. Always looking for a temporary fix. I can't love right, and a person who can't love right isn't deserving of it. I feel so cold; my spinal fluid is liquid nitrogen. Every heavy breath is like a flash freeze.  I wonder if I'll ever get the type of love that will save me from myself. I wonder if something like that exists for a person like me.  Why are you always like this? Sometimes, I hate that I am you. 

I ran for the train. I miss. 'It passes.' A gust of wind follows. Cold air dances under my garments. Hairs peaked by the show. The ordeal left chaos in its path. Dust blew in all sorts of ways,  It left me feeling dazed. My lashes failed to catch a bunch. I get cold and teary-eyed, Miserable for a while. Then get over it and smile. I wait for the next train.

 Why do you do this to yourself? Now you're sad again. I guess we never learn.

Actualization is turning me into a demon. The few things I kept close; all ended in disappointment. Everything feels like it's washing over me. "Good," I thought.  Drown me in sorrow.  Water, one-hundred degrees celsius. Scold me for failing to see. Cleanse me for being "Bad." Make me a new creation.

  I thought being inquisitive would help me sleep, and it did for a while, but it left a curious side-effect. Tears would flow unexpectedly.

  Today tears flow like a waterfall.

  Lately, I've been feeling extremely aggravated by how you've been acting. On the few occasions where we can interact, you make an effort to be avoidant. Why is that? What's the point of you being around if we aren't even trying to bond or get along? Am I just overthinking this? Am I simply jealous of what others have with you? You know, I've been very insecure about how I should go about approaching you; it feels like any wrong move will split us farther apart. I know you don't hate me, but I hate this stagnation in our relationship. The root of all this frustration is I can't seem to connect with you, and any effort to try will only make things worse. On top of all that, I think you're purposeful; and the knowledge of my fragility does not bother you. I started feeling like you don't want me at all in any context, like I'm a burden, worthless, just some meaningless weed extremely root bound in your flower bed of perfect people. I feel like an ...

I needed a couple of reasons to hate you anyway.  You are insensitive about how I feel; You always have been. I turned a blind eye to that because I love way too hard. You lack conviction. You cling to an apathetic facade to avoid real issues in your life. You only ever acknowledge me when I reach out to you. I don't remember you ever checking up on me or ever worrying about me. It's always one-sided.  You grow and grow more like a stranger as the years have gone. I don't feel like you appreciate my company anymore.  You could live your life perfectly fine even if I weren't around. I realize your life would probably be so much better if I weren't around anyways. You probably think that too. You act in the manner that annoys me the most; I always push the idea to the back of my head, but, you know what, I hate that you're selfish. I hate that I have to hear you talk about how you are so deprived of love when I could give you all the fucking love in the world. How...

This makes me sad to say but the few times I've thought my life could ever be perfect is if I were with you. 

  I've been lamenting the death of what you used to represent for me. You used to make me feel confident, you used to make me feel loved, you used to make me feel important.      I made a wish, a difficult one to fulfill. I wanted you to build a dam that can carry all the pressure of a great deal of water. It was beyond your capability. The responsibility was too hard for anyone to carry. You worked day and night, making me think you could fulfill my wish, but...the dam collapsed. The waves took you along with it. You have washed away along with all of my one wish. I looked far and wide; I almost lost myself. Eventually, you returned, but things were different. We no longer saw each other the way we used to. I feel ashamed for thinking you could give a dam.      You used to be my symbol of greatness, but now, when I look at you...you remind me of everything it is I'm insecure about with myself. 

  I'm feeling sad; lately, I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I feel like my love for people is misplaced. 

I honestly wholeheartedly tried today. I just can't act like I'm okay around you. If I can be frank, I'd rather you just not talk to me. Meaningless interaction will not fix how you broke my heart.  "Don't try to speak to me; it's the last thing I want right now."