Sometimes, in the solitude of my thoughts, I wonder how you perceive me. Generally, I wonder if you see me with contempt. The idea of that makes me feel unsettled. I want you to be cared for. 

Something I've been scared of confronting is the possible idea that I'm never to have ambition. As of now, I've convinced myself and others I have big plans, but I know in the back of my head how dishonest I'm being. I guess it's easier to be vague than to say you don't have dreams, right? In my world, motivation thus far, has only been to save face. I feel like I have never strived for anything substantial or adding value. It upsets me that I'm at this crossroads of not knowing, and not caring. I just want a bit more direction, to find at least one thing that sets me up for good. 

I get terrified that whenever I like someone, I'm just their temporary dosage of intravenous serotonin or some pill for emotional fulfillment. I'm insecure, which manifests itself into paranoia. Am I just your placeholder for when you find someone more fitting to be by your side? 

It's not that I don't want to be with you, it's just that, I don't want to be the first one to give my heart. I know you're my lover when passion outways fear.