I hate you.

Please die in my mind. Please cease to exist. Please quiet down the noise and leave me alone. I resent being attached to somebody who made me feel like they cared about me just to leave me alone. If my love and evil, then I'll dine with the devil. 

Who is that person? Hmmm, I don't know 

You know that feeling when you walk through aisles looking at everything but noticing nothing? Fixating, but not with anything at the fore? The only thing encompassing your mind is the thought of whether the person you cared about the most is doing all right. I had today; whenever I think I moved on I get these random jabs of pain in my heart, and in my mind. They're not frequent, but when it hits, it like an invisible hand draws a circle around me. Lines, deep and blue. I get stuck in that bubble. 

You are everything you are supposed to be.

I died. Twice. 

I wonder why, in pursuit of happiness, you cross my mind. We have become estranged, and yet I think about you. I was holding onto the idea that you had the key to my happiness. I realized that no person who caused me so much anguish and despair could ever have something so special. 

Everything was beautiful, everything felt right. Every moment made me forget how sad and lonely life is.  I was awestuck having met someone who brightened every corner of my mind and being. A feeling I would have never imagined. Ordinary things glistened when you were by my side.  When the  storm hit,  and the waves took you away, my soul rained heavy. I wished to have not known the sun, that way darkness is just darkness and not despair. 

The existential dread. Looking blankly at the sky.  Focused on tasks at hand.  Too busy to be anxious. Busy is medicine. A few things that make it alright seem to lose effect.  

I think what safeguards me from being overly insecure when I feel like there's no real support for me is that I don't feel like anybody is better than me, nor do I think I'm better than anyone. Everyone is unique, and there's a sadness to not having me around, like there's a sadness to not having you around. No person can fully replace another. We can convince ourselves that it's possible, but the truth remains, it's just not.  Smiles are deceitful, like little white lies you run across your day. Like lilies across a murky pond. I know that even in a seemingly perfect group of people, someone feels inadequate, alone, and unworthy. That perfect image, it's all just an illusion. A facade to hide anxiety, fear, distrust, sadness... And all the shades of dark. 

  I sort of realized life is pretty much coping with your existence. 

I hope for you to create a movie of life. Your life. For all its sadness and all its joy, make that cinematic masterpiece. Knowing you achieved a feat, I can be happy for you despite my lack of senses. 

The fact is, I can hate you, but it's just not me to. I choose to embrace apathy because to hate someone is to be hypocritical. It's not what's good. No level of influence can convince me hating someone and hating people is good. 

I have these weird instances where I think about you. When I have these moments, I like to think that maybe you're thinking about me, too. The idea that there's a part of you that sees something good in me makes me feel like everything in my life will be okay. I know that these are just likely delusions of mine, but still.

Random dreams where the main themes are wanting and longing for your love. An aching feeling in my heart that you won't be the person who completes me. 

It's my birthday today. It wasn't the most thrilling if days. I sort accepted that there's no exceptions. If me. The world is as it is. 

There's a sensitivity and fragility to me. I hated that about myself. I wish to be like people who take things lightly and love superficially. I am not strong enough to handle storms of criticism, nor am I vigilant enough to know who pours poison into my cup. When I'm hurt, I don't retaliate; I flee. There's a sensitivity and fragility to me. It's a trait I would never trade. The ability to love deeply and unconditionally. To see things clearly and put pieces back meticulously. I fill vases with hand-picked flowers and cook warm meals with a smile. When I'm hurt, I look back at times beautifully.

I have these sharp piercing moments when I think about you. I often wonder if you ever reminisce on the times we spent together. Night after night, my soul cries out to you. The lack of action... means you just don't care, or I'm just not worth it.

What people don't really know about me, is in my cheerful exterior, I have these deep shameful depressive episodes. 

Stunned. I am a ruined statue; an angel with no wings. Reminders like acid rain. Skin made of calcium carbonate. Heart like a soft rock. When it pours, I corrode.  Shunned, ashamed, and stuck in place. A statue half gone, loved by no one. Reminders like acid rain.

I wonder where life will eventually lead me. I hope that it will be a happy future. 

I finally had the courage to put up my walls. It's funny how self-love is always hindsight. Denying you access is my way of patching up all the holes you left that let my love go to waste.

I just want unhindered companionship. Someone to cherish and hold. Someone I can talk to for days on end. Someone I love so much I could give the world to. 

Did I exist to you? Sometimes, I feel like you just made me up. Are you lonely? I told you once that I could tell you anything, and you said you could too. That was my promise...I guess like me, it just went away with it too.