jpenseur; Introspective Personal Journal, Poetry, and Anthology.

You shouldn't, but you did anyway.  You left your chest open. You miss the snipers. One-hundred percent accuracy. You fall victim and die.  I hope that you feel fulfilled. 

  I'm in deep desperation for something that will energize me in an unconventional way. Hopefully, that something will come around soon.

  Lately, I've been finding it quite difficult to share photos with people. I used to be a lot more confident, but for some reason, something in my brain switched. I guess I'm unhappy with myself? I think not; I think it's maybe more because this version of myself is disapproved by those who I want validation and love from. 

  You know better,  but you always fall into this trap A pit of fire.  You spit out flames. You go too far. Wash me over with logic, Not the biofuel that is my emotion. I know I know better,  It just needs to show I need to grow.

  You can't rely solely on others for self-growth. Realize that people will always prioritize themselves first before they think about prioritizing others. 

To the person who made me feel shitty about what I can and cannot do,  my capabilities are beyond what you can ever imagine.  You will never be able to plant a seed of doubt in my head.  You say things of spite to your reflection.  Punishing me is punishing you.  The demons inside you, your insecurities,  they will continue to grow as you feed them your self-projection.  They will fester to your soul, and you will rot.  

  Lately, I've been fostering the idea that nothing is too hard to juggle so long as the focus and passion are there. When life starts feeling like a wall, challenge that wall and push beyond. 

Dear Machiavelli, I struggle to comprehend why you think your actions are permissible. You take my kindness like gum. You chew through my tolerance and spit me out after your gains. Victims love you. Blind to your deceit. I am at a deficit. I watch you with evil eyes and a conscientious mind. Cautious indifference. No hex, simply the pleasure of knowing that one day your lies will catch up to you, providing a punishment that is far worse than my disbarring glares.

  I had a dream today about a really tall plant. Reading into it, I think it's an analogy for reaching newer heights. I hope my dream translates into reality because, as of now... I feel stunted. I'm striving to be the best version of myself always, but I question what that really means for me. I guess I'll just wait and see.

 Why do you do this to yourself? Now you're sad again. I guess we never learn.

  The funniest and most fallible thing about people is that individual perception is subjective. Words and actions will always have mixed reviews. It's not a mistake just because you don't benefit from it. It's not a mistake just because you're lonely. It's not my mistake that you're angry; that's your mistake. 

  Resentment is a strong word. I never resent people. I harbour no hate on a boat full of joys. 

  I realized something very odd about myself. I genuinely enjoy people's company, but I'm overwhelmed by the idea of upkeep.

  I garner no need for attention or approval to be happy. Knowing my kindness will ripple into others' hearts if all I need and could ask for. I hate our societal mentality and structure of needing to stand apart when we can stand together. I'm learning that, in reality, at the end of the day, we are not some special case. Everyone, at some point, will cease to exist. We should just help each other and enjoy each other's time instead of trying to compete and step in each other's shoes.  

  When I'm sad or lonely, I retreat to my family. I love all of them unconditionally. I want to serve them as best as I possibly can! If I lack the motivation to succeed for myself, I will at least try to succeed for them. No matter how badly I deteriorate, I will make sure they have everything they need and are happy and fulfilled. 

There are just people who always feel the need to correct others and tell others how to act and do. I get that; that's just life. I accept that, but I can't dismiss tonality and social awareness. Those things matter too! They probably count more than your trivial corrections and idealisms. I hear what you say; I never listen. I don't give it energy because it's your job to ratify your pride, not mine. 

I can feel myself changing. Changing for the better. Loving myself more than I did before!

I'm a little bit confused. Are you downplaying my affection for you, or are you simply acting selflessly, wanting me to find someone I can love other than you? Either way... I don't need commentary on whether someone other than you misses me or whether someone other than you likes me. What are you trying to compensate for? I'm not that broken over you. What I love is no one's work but my own. Could you stop trying to help me? You don't realize just how hurtful and counterproductive you're being. 

       I don't need to prove that I add value to the world. I do. I don't need to be validated by random people on social media to feel like I'm worth something. I feel obligated to go along with the crowd because success is hiding inside it, but... success is from within. Societal pressure shouldn't get to me. I want to live an authentic, happy, and fulfilled life. 

No one is undeserving of happiness, not even you. Let's be happy together!  

  It's wrong of me to think you regret denying my love for you. You probably don't. You seem to be living life just fine without me. It took me so long to realize this fact, and I drowned myself in idealism. 

I have everything I can ask for. I feel the joy!