It gives me fulfillment like nothing else quite does. 

The external world has a lot of influence on how I view myself. More than it needs to. More than it should.  I don't put in enough work to cultivate the garden in my inner world. I think that's why a lot of things make me insecure .  I have attached my self-worth to others' opinions of me. I take myself for granted, assuming people wouldn't notice my flowers.  My little corner of the universe is beautiful. No one has to care other than me for that to be the truth.  Someone once told me they admired my lack of insecurity .  The sureness in myself. The confidence in my decisions.  If they only knew...I am not that person. Not yet, but I know I can be.  Let people do as they please... Let people say what they want... Let people be free... All because you love yourself enough to let them. 

If anyone can do it, I can. I will conceptualize these visions of grandeur . I can capture ir. I can paint it. 

Today was a very happy day for me.  I don't often feel heightened joy, and the idea is so foreign to me. I think this day of revelation is worth remembering.  I can be sad but I can be very happy too.  There wasn't anything too outstanding but the energy was splendid . I felt at ease, and calm like a warm gentle breeze. I think sometimes I like being an observer just melding into my environment , admiring, and listening.

I think you just have to accept that some relationships are not always meant to be so close and it's not exlcusive to one type of relationship. Sometimes that metaphysical bond or glue that holds people together just fades or is no longer serving its purpose. Bonded to one side. I think you can still hold a lot of love for people even with the distance. 

Thinking about managing mine and other people's emotions is so tiring. I never know how much understanding and empathy to give to people. I think there's a fine line between giving someone the benefit of the doubt or enabling unpleasant behavior. Behavior that harms me.