jpenseur; Introspective Personal Journal, Poetry, and Anthology.

An eternal fire. Technicolor to my mind. Vesta, my soul embody. Tending to the flame, and b urning the pine. I see visions of Gideon. A bright white light;  red, green, blue. With filbert at hand, I dream slaying you.

A lot of communication is often done without words. It's frustrating, because all anyone had ever wanted from communication is clarity. If you dont tell them, how would they know. 

We live at time full of opportunities. A time where our actions can shake the world. So my question is, why don't we? Why don't we leave the kind of impact that generations ahead will thank us for. I want to make world that's beautiful to live in. 

I think life is so objectively lonely. 

A sort of strangeness about me;  'Hyperfixation' is what I was searching for. 'A coping mechanism' is what I got.  Apparently, it's avoidant attachment. A verb. A noun. Something to love. A reliable stream of dopamine but an unbearable punch in the gut. A sort of coping mechanism to the strangeness about me.

Cheers to better days. 

You're so vain. I don't think it's right for someone to treat me in disregard based on assumptions they create in their heads. I'm not anyone's imagine something. I don't want to be in your life if I feel like earn your respect.

I'm easy to love, which directly means I'm easy to fall out of love. When someone breaks my trust, I find it very hard to regress to how things were before everything went broken. I can come very close but there will always be these micro fragments I can't ever repair. Invisible to the naked eye, but highly visible in my mind. I keep peace because it's important to me. Though, I keep it whist hyper-independence attaches to my hip, and it slowly directs away from the damages. Splitting direction to somewhere with solid ground, and no holes in trust. 

Kindness is at the forefront of my everyday decisions. I care for people as much as I am capable. I want people to feel loved when they interact with me, to smile brightly, and to laugh. I tend to put others first, even if it might not necessarily be the best thing for me. In truth, I'm hopeful that with enough kindness, I'll find unconditional love.

I feel so vulnerable right now. It is so immensely sad, like floating on a river of sadness. Alone. Always so alone. The water is cold. So cold, I'm burning. The only heat I feel is the tears that flow along my cheeks. I'm flushed with misery. I look out and groan at the sky. 'Will I ever feel happy!'. Happy with meaning, happy with heft. I dwell on the past because that's where remnants of my joy linger. I'm a broken person; I feel like I'll always be. Always longing. Always falling short. Always looking for a temporary fix. I can't love right, and a person who can't love right isn't deserving of it. I feel so cold; my spinal fluid is liquid nitrogen. Every heavy breath is like a flash freeze.  I wonder if I'll ever get the type of love that will save me from myself. I wonder if something like that exists for a person like me.  Why are you always like this? Sometimes, I hate that I am you.