Be someone who other people look forward to seeing. It involves authenticity and kindness. If you meet all those requirements, and people are unreceptive...truly, it isn't you. It's them. 

Successful people are able to deliver and present their life to others as something to be coveted. 

I know when my self-confidence plummets, it's when I irrationally think people around me don't care at all about what I have to say or what I can do. I think if you find yourself in a situation like that, you just need to step back a bit and think. Shift moping about your self-worth and start thinking about how you can make yourself unmistakably stand out!

Yesterday, as I pondered about love, I thought about what it actually looks like from my perspective. I see love as something so warm, something so gentle. Something that feels all-encompassing. Love to me, feels like a part of my heart or brain has been unlocked to where all my senses are heightened, not just external either. I feel the cogwheels of anxiety, fear, thrill, and joy all start moving inside me. Love is kind of like the processes of hydroelectricity, like letting the doors open so that the stream of affection can make you spin. Spin in a way that powers all your systems. Spin in a way that you discover pockets of self-greatness.  I don't know if this standard or expectation of love is too high. I do know that It's not something I'm willing to compromise. If I don't feel at all anything of what I described, then I don't want it. To me, it just means the river is dry. I'm hopeful for an endless stream. 

My nausea, It creeps in unexpectedly. I feel faint on my planet without gravity. Unallowed to fall. Unallowed to throw up. Can't empty my stomach,  I empty my heart. My tears flow but  float away where no one sees. My nausea hit, and the cycle begins once more.

   I feel like I'm not worth many people's investment. That's just how I feel. I wish I could change that, but I think that would mean changing me, and I don't really like the idea. 

  I worry too much about whether I should be in a romantic relationship or not. It's never really been the case I wanted to be in one; instead, it's more like people want or expect me to. It's kind of messed up if you think about it. Why do we put a pedestal on this social construct when most days, most relationships aren't even all that great. There are fights, violence, and infidelity. I realized I was never sad about being single until someone made me feel like I should be.

  Nothing is more intolerable than someone pretending to tolerate you. 

I feel so much internal rage, to the point where someday I just feel like I'm going to burst. It's bizarre because I don't know what makes me so angry. I don't think it's something I can pinpoint. It's just a generally lousy circumstance. I feel trapped in this stereotypical cookie-cutter life. I lack passion, motivation, and any sort of good feeling from life.  On that, I don't need anyone telling me how depressing my mindset is. I know it's depressing. It's not like I'm unaware. If you don't have a solution for me, shut your mouth.

Sometimes I forget just how complex people around me are. My brain dehumanizes them to the extent that I just see them as mindless bodies passing by. I failed to acknowledge every aspect that made up that person; I didn't even take a second really examine them. 

Breathe. Conceal your anger.  Think. Indirect aggression. Sarcastic appreciation. Use them, and dispose of them. Let go. 

I roll back to the times most undesirable in my life, and I feel so much rage with all the factors that made those times undesirable. I want to crush anything and everything that gets in the way of me living a fulfilling life. 

I realized that sometimes, the best to do for people going through difficulty is to show a brave front. 

To all the people who plant this seed of doubt in my mind about my capabilities, I rebuke you. I pull you and your roots out of my brain. You are simply a conglomeration of unnecessary distractions, a rootball so dense grasping for validation through destroying my and others' self-confidence. At the end of the day, the most meaning from life comes from the kindness you are able to show. With how you are and how you act, I foresee an extreme decline in some level of your life. 

It's partly my fault why I feel so sensitive right now. I worked so hard on building this hard shell because of past hurt, but I still fell into the trap of company. I let a little warmth into my life, and just like dipped soft serve, I am left melted and disappointed. 

I just need time to digest everything that I'm feeling.

I'm not in a relationship because I don't waste my time on fleeting moments of infatuation. I'm not in a relationship because I seek something sustainable. Why would I waste my time on something that will ultimately fail me? You can argue that I should take on relationships to test the waters, but that's not how my heart or brain operates. I'm smart enough to know what I want and what types of characteristics and traits align with and complement mine. The idea of scrolling through an encyclopedia of people sounds mentally and emotionally draining. If you can do it, all praise to you, but it's really not for me.

I dislike you.  You're just not that great of a person. Overly sensitive in all the wrong areas.  Extremely skeptical of my intentions; Radical thoughts that I might get you. Biased. Your 'organize.' Misplaced things. Things gone.  Wreck and steal, they bring nothing to the table. It bothers you that I can put things back.  It bothers me that you don't notice.  You're disgusting.  Deliberate with an innocent facade;  only tolerant in front of an audience.  I know you will never have everything you can possibly want. That gives me peace of mind. 

I have people around me who bring nothing to the table; I think more and more that their company is simply a waste of time. I shouldn't say that, but that's how I think. When I'm around them, I just feel absolutely nothing. The conversation is not stimulating. There's no sort of progression; it's dull throughout. Their interests are so small in scope that it's hardly palatable. They are so concentrated on what they know they've become exclusive. So dull; I think I knew that for quite a while, but these bursts of loneliness cast such a big shadow that it made me stop realizing it. 

Be my ears. I'm around people that capitalize on the fact that I'm tolerant and considerate.  High conscientiousness is my downfall. 

I subconsciously let go of my responsibilities when it all gets too overwhelming, which has negatively affected my interpersonal relationships. I wish I were more resilient, but I feel like overly stretched metal, brittle to the touch. 

A double-edged sword of the human brain is that after intense feelings of emotional agony from a particular event, we develop mechanisms for minimizing its effects in the future.  One thing that's been prevalent to me is I'm no longer inclined to romantic love. It's sad, but it's true. Every time I seek romance, my brain rolls back to times of abandonment and insecurity. It's ironic because the 'fix' my brain chooses to deploy makes me feel like I'm broken. With each passing day, I become more and more apathetic to the idea of being alone. 

       I had a dream that the world was ending. I don't know what that's supposed to say about my psyche. All I know is that this particular dream felt so real. The sequence of events that transpired felt true to the world we have right now. My consciousness starts off with seeing a small orb in the sky; after I would say about thirty seconds, it implodes into a moon-like object; seventy percent of the sky looked like terrain; I vividly remember its craters; it truly looked as though it was a projection of our moon through a magnifying telescope. It was beautiful.  Despite the ordeal, not a single person was in a panic. Everyone was calm, living life as is. Unbothered by events that may/were to unfold.      I had a conversation with a familiar yet estranged person in my dream; we talked about how 'it's only going be a couple more hours.' I knew exactly what that meant; we were going to die. The scene then skips to the part where this conglomeratio...

I get waves of loneliness, the kind so repressed that showing tears feel like sandpaper to the heart. This probably comes from indifference to the world, but I think people don't know what that feels like. They have settled for gravel, the conventional means of filling the potholes of the hearts.  I cry because I'm unconventional. After all, security, meaning, and gratification mean so much to me. 

What's really been on my mind is you.  Well...I guess the idea of you; being loved by you. More generally,  the idea of being loved. I hate that you give me affection; just retract it later. I can't blame you because you don't know or care enough. I love you sincerely, with so much heart. The sudden abandonment. The saddening isolation... intrusive reflections. What's really been on my mind is you.  Well...I guess the idea of you; Heartbreak makes loneliness bearable. More generally,  loneliness is unbearable.

Something I've been scared of confronting is the possible idea that I'm never to have ambition. As of now, I've convinced myself and others I have big plans, but I know in the back of my head how dishonest I'm being. I guess it's easier to be vague than to say you don't have dreams, right? In my world, motivation thus far, has only been to save face. I feel like I have never strived for anything substantial or adding value. It upsets me that I'm at this crossroads of not knowing, and not caring. I just want a bit more direction, to find at least one thing that sets me up for good. 

Invisibility. A part of me. The unfortunate calling of apathy. Trudging life unnoticed. Judging life for the quiet. Ability. A part of me. The fortunate realization of fantasy. Trudging life unbothered. Judging life for peace.