It's fascinating to think about how everybody is as complex as I am. I look at people walking by, and I think about the sort world they live. The emotions and tribulations they struggle with. It makes me feel selfish.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm too broken to be loved, like some ornament in a thrift store, with little chips on the edges and discoloration throughout. I'm working on building that confidence, to be on full display.

Am I an overachiever? Driven? Or am I compensating for all the rejection in my life? 

I like to think that grudges take up parts of you meant for greater things. What's better than resentment? Peace of mind. To not care. To not dwell. To let be. 

I despise researching feelings and finding the best ways to deal with them. The internet is jam-packed with voices of reason that contradict each other. It's like a crowded room full of incoherent yelling, generating so much noise. I can't establish the correct move because lived experiences are always subjective. I'm coming to terms with the fact that life must keep going. Just do whatever's best for you. People leave your life, and that's totally normal. Don't be stagnant. 

To care about minorities only when you become one yourself. In the grander scheme of things, It's selfish. Why should I support anyone who sees that certain people shouldn't exist? I don't condone violence and hatred, but I will not perpetuate a world/ reality of groupthink. It's the worst kind of cancer. 

You are ambitious. You are unstoppable. A ruthless visionary. Intelligent. You will shape the reality you want. Problems are but hurdles waiting to be conquered. There's power there, from every strand of hair to every drop of blood. Influence. Resilience that knows no bounds. A frictionless bounce. 

For me to empathize with and love the people who hurt me. I know I'm getting better. To accept that life isn't something anyone can control, you must navigate it. I'm finding my place in all that turbulence with love.  You'll always have a place in my heart, even if you have none for me or have completely thrown it all away. I'll care about you, even if you don't care about me. In a thousand years, nothing will change. My love will persist.  

 I hate this weird thing my emotions do to my brain. Whenever my heart feels sadness, regret, frustration, stress, or any load of negativity, it manifests itself in my dreams. I always wonder if there's a greater power. Is it looking out for me? Or is it all deceptive lies to gnaw away at the spirit?  I dreamt about reaching out to someone who meant so much to me at some point. The dream was quick and fleeting; a simple Hi _ how's it going? In a simple moment-stance, eight hours have gone by. The human mind is fascinating. 

 It's honestly so unhealthy how much I seek approval from people who don't care about me. I never learn cause I'm lonely.

I am as complex as you think I am. I approach everyone with love, empathy, and an open mind. Truthfully, my intentions were never selfish or villainous. I simply enjoyed every bit of your company. Genuinely. There is no other word for it but love. At some point, being entirely me, guided by my internal compass, started hurting you. I hated myself for that. I couldn't look you in the eyes, not because I was disappointed in you. Rather, I felt ugly, a stain in your perfect light. 

Social gatherings are akin to a strategy game. In the way that people come up with clear goals and intentions. People act in ways that lead to their intended outcomes. Interesting, but also very scary. 

Soon enough, I won't have any lingering attachments to you. It feels daunting and, you know what, a little bit saddening. I guess I'm so used to feeling like you matter. I'm going to be in the same position as I was before. Vacant. A feature in Architectural Digest with rooms unfurnished and without love. Homes to be filled with love—love like yours—because you know, there was nothing wrong with that love. 

I feel like we often use the phrase 'im working on myself' too lightly. I think we forget what that really means. Work. Working on yourself is supposed to be hard, unorganized, and gruelling. If it's not these things otherwise, then how are you ever going to feel fulfilled and accomplished with yourself. 

If my life were to end, I have the privilege of giving people joy and making people laugh. That's amazing! 

Today, I thought about what kind of person I present myself as. I thought deeply about whether it's worth it to be socially accepted rather than authentically me, and I came to the conclusion that it's not. If someone were to love me, I want them to love me for the real me, not some fabricated facade, fetish, or fantasy—the kind of me that loves me. 

Dear,  My love is pure and bottomless. In all my wanting to serve and love you, I was killing myself. I slit my throat with daggers you threw at me. I heard that when you love someone so much, them hating you doesn't make you hate them, you hate yourself. I hated myself, really hated myself. I know that isn't fair to me though. My love is pure and bottomless. I don't deserve that. Sincerely,  

It feels akin to a cliffhanger. Being unsettled. Heavy. Unexpected, like stepping on shit. You try every sort of move to get rid of it, but it lingers. That's what it feels like. It feels shitty. Please stop haunting me. I just want a new pair. 

Interacting with people is really hard when I can't get the visual cues. I don't know how to be. It's so uncomfortable. I dislike this feeling of caution. 

  You worked so hard to get it out of your system that it became so hypocritical to welcome it back in. I call that kind of behaviour a toxic cycle. Forgive and forget. 

I set goals for myself with clear intentions for the future. One of those goals is finding a life partner. Someone to stay by my side and to be as unyielding and committed as I am. Someone who sees to it that I'm happy. Someone who makes my world a little better. A partner for life... the thought is daunting, but I wont settle for anything less. 

I don't think it's fair to miss me, when you're lonely. I don't think it's fair for you to want me back in your life, when I'm working so hard to build myself up again. 

I heard somewhere that in some ways we are linked to our soulmates. I might assuming but I always thought that I shared in my soulmates emotions. When I wake up feeling sad, I think that I'm sharing in their load. Love is when I don't mind. 

 It feels like an impossibility to forget the face of someone that you loved and hated so much. It's not however impossible. After all the mental hoops thrown at you, you suddenly feel okay. With face gone memories come with it. Emotions spent comes growth. 

 Never care too much about what a person says who has never really been in your life. Opinions like that are superficial and frankly irrelevant to your well-being. 

Today, I thought about what makes me attracted to someone. I think it's all about someone's mind—someone who is genuinely kind and intelligent in all aspects. I think my attraction stems from how someone views and thinks about the world. 

I'm not easy to understand. I know because I living through me. I guess my best advice for someone who really wants to love me is revel in my probabilities; in my chaos theory, my randomness and unexpected tendencies. I can be complex but I know well enough that deep inside there's love and stability. The one variable that will always be true. The eye of the storm that will always be admiring you. 

A prank was pulled on me today. I just got home from work, and I was really scared. I don't know why but it wasn't funny at all to me. In fact, it was so debilitating and terrifying. In short, I got really, really upset. I got so angry that I said some messed up things, which I guess was an attempt to equal the 'wrong' that was done to me. I'm so defeated. I'm breaking myself down because I keep thinking that I overreacted, but that was just my genuine reaction to that situation. I was angry. 

And just like that... You don't matter anymore. 

Today, life is so good. I genuinely feel happy again.