I hope to stay vibrant all my life. 

I like writing things down, that way I don't second guess myself and my feelings. That way I can objectively place responsibly on the right parties if things did come crashing down.  Right now, I feel like I did something wrong, when to the of my best understanding, I have not done anything worth fault. I wish that when people are frustrated or have an issue with me, they would just voice it out instead of this covert aggression. I can feel it. I don't like it at all.  You are probably disappointed in me. I'm sorry I let you down. I'm just not enjoying it anymore. I feel caged. I feel this pressure to meet your ideals, when I'm reality I'm just looking to live my best life. My goals and ambitions are not the same as yours. If being friends meant I had to be somebody I estranged to my real self then is that a friendship worth having? I go out of my way a lot. I think being a little bit selfish is okay. 

  You work too hard on yourself to be this sad. 

I'm crying out of the blue again. I wonder why I'm so sad all the time. Maybe I'm upset that I'm so performative or seemingly happy. The colour of my soul is blue—it always has been, and I'm starting to think it always will be. 

Is it the same for everyone? The ability to unlove people? I think I struggle more than most. The idea of dismantling every attachment I have built seems like an impossible feat. For quite some time, I have tried numbing myself to heartbreak and its residuals. For as long as I have tried, I realize that's not who I am. I feel deeply, and I love deeply. To the damaged and besmirched pieces of art in my personal gallery, I don't love you any less. I admire you despite the changes in perspectives. To show me something so beautiful, as temporary as it may be, is an act of kindness. It is an act of love. 

I just want to feel okay. 

The greatest hurt you can inflict someone is showing a beautiful world; one they have never known, and keeping that away from them. It's like an antecedent to a tragedy. The highest point of the story with much sadness, and  death. Death that's not always physical. A death of the spirit or the death of love.  I roll back to the times when my mind would frolic at possibilities and when my heart would leap over impossibilities. I miss that. I miss you. 

I'm too selfish. I talk way too much about my own tribulations to the extent where I forget to listen. To listen for other's problems not loud enough unless you paying attention. Unconditional love is when your problems are mine. I want to be someone kinder. To be better.  I hope you are doing okay.

 I feel more and more like nothing is worth any of my interest. I'm so uninspired. 

I'm in a phase of my life where I am trying to rediscover my passions and reignite my love of art. I want to romanticize life a little more, in a way that I can appreciate all of its essence. 

It is no longer a longing, just a deep reflection of what could have been. 

Dear love, I wish I took up even a sliver of your heart or heartbreaks. Because to love you is the greatest privilege. I wish to know your soul, as I have known loneliness. To have your warm embrace, to have you look at me with love, that's all I ever wanted. Sincerely, Yours. 

I am terrified by the idea that following my inner compass will hurt someone. Betrayal is one thing I don't want people I love to feel. It's a fine line. 

Sharp scissors that cut deep inside my person. Cut the red strings. Cut the devotion. Addiction. The theory muddied. Memories too. The hope to love somebody like you. A cathartic release that leaves my person in question. Am I better? Or worse, is it numb and empty? Cut the devotion. Delusion. The idealist who'll never be loved. 

I do not feel good about anything right now. 

I get compliments about my person, yet I can't feel loved. It's like this thing in my mind stops me from fully revelling in it. I don't know; maybe I compare myself too much. I want to feel love like others do sometime in the future. 

  Don't let other people define your potential. You are as amazing as you make yourself to be. 

  When you feel like a loser, do something about it. 

  Be kind to yourself.

That was the finale. Whatever that was, it was a sign that I had completely moved on. The soul contract has expired. There's nothing that should be holding me back any longer. 

To the people who look at me with disdain without entirely dissecting everything about me, I just want them to know that I'm insecure and hurt, too. Be gentle to your neighbour.