Nousrrhea

I hate my relationship with work or  goals I set out to do. It always starts off good with loads of motivation and joy with the idea of achieving some things potentially great, then gradually, and eventually, I start feeling like it's all pointless. I thought about it while, sort of wondering what cause these sudden shift in my sentiment, and you know, maybe I'm just really insecure. Perhaps, I'm never confident enough make something great. I don't ever feel like I have it in me to be someone people see as successful. I wish for that deeper level of confidence, no more of that superficial performative stuff. 

It's a different kind of pressure to be successful, not for your own sake but for the sake of others. It's almost irresponsible that I am made to be someone's flood barrier when the pressures of their problems and life get too tough to handle. If I am ever in a position to care for somebody, there will never be an expectation to return my kindness because once expectations come into play, that's a transactional relationship. My love is not a paradox. It's almost a test of my independence. I will prove myself not for your sake but for mine. 

I have been feeling bottomless, like a void is inside of me. I think it came about because I started to overexert myself with the idea of looking for love. It's sadenning.  

 I spent some time with my loved ones today. It was great. It made me really happy. 

 You won't beg people to see your value.

I'm scared that I'll always be in this phase of waiting. Waiting for the right person to come. Waiting for the right person to be ready for me. Waiting to have that relationship. There's a point where you feel doubt. I don't want to say everything will work because at the end the way, it's circumstance and chance. I want a chance too.

I dressed up. Made the effort to look somewhat beautiful in the eyes of others. All that, and I still feel inadequate. I don't like feeling the weight of expectations along my body. I'm not made of wax. I do my best to be loved. I wish for it to not be unnoticed for when I really care. 

I dont like stepping over my feet. Do it enough times, you'll realize you hate falling. I walk in careful steps now, and overly aware of where I can trip. Instead I read the room, and go wherever I know I'll be okay. 

It's really interesting to know how someone sees love because it makes you realize that love can look so different for every person. I learned a nuance to relationship is you have to be on the same page about what love means to you and your partner(s), or alteast coming to a conclusion. 

I hope everything goes well for all the things you work hard to achieve! I wanted to tell you that today but I didn't because I was unsure. Not of you of course, but of how to express my love. I'm scared of loving too much or perhaps not loving enough. My affection hasn't always been well received. Anyways, that's just a little quirk of mine. Being oblivious to both showing and receiving love.  All this to say, you run a marathon in my mind, where I'm made up of the crowd cheering you on. With love, 

I think that for me to open my heart I must constantly practice being the best person I can be. For me and for your. To love is to flow in unison; to move in the direction of light. I can't be in love if there's backflow or contradictions. I'm beriding myself of all of that. For me, and for you. 

The fact that you even want to spend time with me is what makes me really happy. I don't care how I have to wait. Truthfully, it's nice to look forward to your company. It just gives me more time to think about what we can do together. 

Liking someone is this extremely confusing and aggravating thing for me. I'm a little more aware of myself and that can be a bit of a double edged sword.  I'm a little more curated for the person I want to impress. A bit more sensitive, critical, and overanalyzing. Fighting to stand a chance while always feeling like I would lose. I love the feeling of love. I want be loved for the way I am. And, I want to love someone for the way they are. 

I am a mirror Most people like mirrors because they like seeing themselves.  When you show a mirror to a sheep it doesn't cower or hide. When you show a mirror to a sheep it 'baaahhhhs'  Sheep like mirrors because sheep like sheep.  I am a mirror but I don't like sheep. I'll show you what you want to see,  But never share what I think.  Blaaaaaand conformity. 

Interesting. I didn't really realize this until now but, I'm scared of being in a relationship. As much as it has all these great things, it also has its fair share of bad. It's daunting to think about caring for someone as complex as I am. It's terrifying to be betrayed. It's terrifying to mess up. It's terrifying to vulnerable. I think the reason why relationship are so slow to come for me is because I subconsciously try to avoid it. I want to love someone, but this constant overanalyzing and thinking is something I want to work on first. 

I want to be the type of person that goes out of their way to boost other's confidence. There's just something so beautiful about uplifting people around us. 

When is anyone ever ready to be in a relationship? I feel that I have done so much inner work, that I'm a decent person but whether the topic of romantic interest pops up I hide again. I use self-reflection as shield. 'i still have a lot to work on' as a sword. It's just I don't know. 

Don't ruin something good, and get ahead of yourself. Everything is in due time. Don't be an unpleasant person; that is not who you are. You want to be the type of person that lights other people up.