I enjoy your company. I love how calm I feel and how I don't have the need to be overly compensating. I just feel comfortable, safe,  and secure; accepted for my entirety. The good and the bad. I don't feel the need to alter myself because you like me for me. What an awesome feeling that is. Thank you. 

Today was a great day. I'm really happy. 

I'm lost about where I want my life to be. I have no directive, but I do know that thus far, I have been okay. I will follow my heart and morals, and I think I'll be okay. 

I don't feel good today. The worst part of it is, everything is objectively good. I think the reason why I feel so off is because my highly paranoid brain has convinced me that I mean very little. My worth as person is diluted by the bustle of everyday life. I feel that with the trajectory of life I'll be diffused into almost nothing. Love, I felt, was the only thing that really tied all of me together, but lately the world has been unraveling. I have been starting to feel that relationships are transactional. I only ever mean something to someone because I'm able to satiate a need or want. I want a life that's full or joy and kindness. One where I never have to feel empty. One where I don't have to share how 'I don't feel good today.'

 A lot of changes have been happening in my mind. Perspectives about people have shifted. I am not generally as open and welcoming as I used to be. Everyone is different, and I realize that differences shouldn't always be embraced. Not everyone is a good person. I'm choosing to surround myself with people that don't take away. 

I'm sorry that I am not the person you expect me to be. I am sorry for your confusion. You will never know me like I know me, you can come very close, and there's joy there but... there's always going to be this gap, and you fill that gap with fabrication or expectations. Trying to contort myself into that metaphysical mold is like a cage. Or like a sick show where I stand on stage without instruction, critiqued by thousands. I'm not going to change myself for anyone's ideals but my own. My love is me in its entirety. 

I need to talk to you about my feelings, that way I can adjust my perspectives of you accordingly. I don't mean for this to be threatening, I'm not a great communicator and I hardly try out of fear, but I can't stand how abstract you are in my mind. I'm going to be a bit vulnerable, and unlike my unserious self. Sorry this will take some time for me to write because I want to be as accurate as I can with my words... 

Found in a place of reassurance the voice sparks inspiration. 'You will never be a second choice or an afterthought. I will make sure of it. For us, the one.' And just like that fire emerged, and aspirations grew.

Dream.

You smile, and you're happy. That's good. I'm glad, but never happy for you. Perhaps not because I hold malice, but maybe because I'm jealous that you can feel joy like that. Joy, like I can't. I don't see people as a source of joy the way you do. To me, people feel like a chore or an obligation. I feel the need to be happy just to show I am happy. I think maybe at some point, I really enjoyed your company because I thought you were like me, but wow, I couldn't be more wrong. You're lucky. 

I wanted to be part of your world so bad it started hurting me. I held a tight fist to all the volatility that came with wanting to be close to you. I thought that was love.  Trying to keep control, I held in all the emotional uncertainty, turmoil, and anxiety. With all that effort I put into trusting love, I find myself disappointed again. All I wanted was to be part of your world. 

An extraordinary ability to garner attention. A golden voice with a sharp tongue and a clear mind. A demeanour like a therapist's notebook or the panes of a mirrorball.  A person of such character should not have to feel restless at all. To not be wanted or loved. With a heavy heart, an extraordinary person shouldn't have to doubt love. 

I'm going to stop liking you because I feel my impending doom. My heart is too fragile, and my constitution is weak. The slightest volatility makes me unsure and uneasy. When I pour my heart, I do it in its entirety. I have been making advances, and yet there's all this stagnation. If the picture wasn't clear before, I feel like it is now. I don't hate people anymore for not reciprocating what I feel. I'm more so apologetic by the idea that my affection troubled you.