My days have been so frustrating. I feel like there's this hungry void inside of me. Interacting with people makes me feel sick to my stomach. I feel detached. I don't know what to do to feel better. I am fading away. Someone help me.

 You will be successful. Envision it and you will live it. 

Wanting every letter on alphabet is tiring. Wanting it all comes with working harder than most. Wanting it all is balance and sacrifice. How to be better is what I want to know. 'Starting tommorow' is what I throw. Starting tommorow. Starting tommorow. 

My life in some attempt of summation, has been the lack of space. A safe space to be deep, intellectual, vulnerable. I think subcontiously, that's why I started writing. It's easier to feel when I'm not calculating. When I'm raw, and entirely honest. I can hate without feeling like I shouldn't. I can be passionate without being too much. It's like a personal study or library where I'm free to scream on top of my lungs. I can be everything. Guarded and powerful. Hopeful and cynical. Logical and emotional. My life in some attempt of summation. 

 Im selfish. When I don't get what I want, I put myself through self-loathing.  It's as if I threw away all the care and concern people have for me. I'm selfish. A case study. 

I have boundary issues. Both setting them. But also, respecting them. I'm fallible. I want to be a strong person. I think if something  like this comes up again; a moment of weakness, I need distance. 

I am okay not being with you. For a long time I feared the idea of losing you. Losing you to somebody else.   I realized something.  If someone had the kind of love I have for them, then I wouldn't be the only one who's scared. I'm wouldn't the only one that cares. About this. About us. I am okay with not being with someone who's not afraid of losing like I'm afraid of losing them.  If a person comes along in my life that has that level of fear and that level of love and that commitment, then that's beauitiful. Though, that shouldn't be my expectation. No one needs another person to fear losing themselves. We can do that all ourselves. I can do all that myself. I can love myself.  I am okay not being with you, because I shouldn't feel like I need to control you; feeling, emotions. I don't think that's what love should be. Free.  To have the autonomy to choose each other.

More than enough times to be highly suspicious. More than enough times to be concerned. More than enough times where I get the 'answers' I feel like I ignore. I'm too affected which shows I'm insecure. There's no true intimacy without trust. I'm scared of it, but I am choosing to trust. Whatever outcomes, I'll be okay. 

I wish I was more of a person that is able to know the needs of my loved ones without them having to directly tell me. That level of awareness, care, and deligence towards another person should be the gold standard. To be that selfless, it's beautiful. 

I am thinking about you. Whenever I see I you, I have this longing to make sure you have a great time, that we have a great time... but a part of me realizes that, that would mean going beyond what you want from me, or going beyond boundaries we set together. I want to respect that. It's only me that really liked you in that way anyways. I try to steer clear because I know that when you stir two liquids together, un-stiring won't get you where you were. And where we are at right now is good. You are my catalyst; tell me you want my love and I'll my cut ear for you. Tell me to hold you and I'll make you fly. Tell me to see you, and I'll be your mirror. 

There's a lot of intricacies to consider when interacting with people. Most of us know the superficial, smile, talk about commonalities. The dirty details about a good impression is paying attention to everything. Look at what the eyes say, when you uncover the enamel viel. Look at the past, present, future. Look at the dynamic between you, them, and everybody else. Look at yours and their socioeconomic standing. Make sure there's an upper limit to the level of tension. Word should flow like butter, thinking about what to say shouldn't look like thinking. And Listen. Listen well and carefully. All these nuances you need to consider when interacting require care and tact. It's difficult but all you really need is practice. If you want to be a fortress we wildly 'oblivious'. Strategy is about knowing more, than everybody else on the field. The longest blooming perennial. 

That's a funny concept. But if the world was going to shit, I'd probably make time for the things that are important to me. Survival is great all but in an apocalyptic dystopia, trying to survive day in an day out, would you even call that a life? It's as if you were a zombie anyways. In a zombie apocalypse, I would probably grab my paintbrush, paint something real nice. Then, I would go on my blog, and tell the world how happy I am to have met so many wonderful people in my life; everyone who has shaped me to I am now. Lastly, I would text the people most important in my life. Tell them I love them. Then probably go to a convenience store in the middle of nowhere. And the rest is improv. 

Building something great for yourself has never been harder. You have all these things you want to get from life but there will always be another person out there that is more of something you lack, and seize the right doors to your dream life. Doors that could have been for you. I think the problem with society is, there's not enough doors for everyone's dream to be realized. Some are just not good enough. That's just  how things are. Even so, I will wake up every morning with the delusion that I can be more, and that I am more. I will be amazing because it's just you against the world. Always. 

A greater sense of purpose I don't realize.

I have affection like points I collect when I spend my credit card. It builds up, and gets all these perks. Perks I forget until I feel lonely again. I hold onto the points because I'm unsure how to spend it. I could spend it on a distraction like a short haul flight or hotel outside the province. I don't. Saving it. Scared I would waste on something meaningless or unfulfilling. I hope to find something worth spending on. I  have affection like points I when I spend my credit card. In my account, it sits. Patiently waiting.

 I am in charge of my success. I am in charge of my happiness. I am in charge of my emotions. I am in charge of my reactions. I am powerful. I am divine. I am who I fear am, and that makes me formidable. 

 I always have trouble directing my affection to the right people. I'm always confused. It makes me feel lonely being so stranded like this. I need love and warmth. As time passes, I feel the cold seep into me. I feel less. When the heart is frozen, tears don't flow. I want to love unconditionally. 

I feel guilty for liking beautiful things. I feel guilty for liking them because of the disparity between me and who I think is appropriate to recieve beautiful things. One day, I'll be that person, and it will be beautiful. 

Why is it that the most unsavoury, unqualified, disinteresting, self-centered people always rein on top of everybody else. I hate them. If I can be someone of great power, I would plot for the downfall of those who are undeserving. There's so much people who work tirelessly to get a sliver of the pie. The world is so cruel in that way. It's those who spit at your face that are fed on a silver spoon and we say nothing about it. If I were made of poison, 'but your enemies closer'.

 I am so extremely unmotivated. I don't want to do anything at all. It feels like I'm chained to two boulders. One on every foot. I feel like I do stuff to do it's and not because I enjoy it. It's paralyzing. I feel like I don't get enough from life as I should be. Definitely not being positive right now. 

Extremely obsessive. Highly critical. Sensitive to a fault. Sleep deprived.  Overthinking. Deeply tragic. 

When I look at someone I think about every that went into building that person. I find it interesting that people are shaped by history. Double that with the concept of fate, and it becomes almost like art. Every person we meet is a piece of art. 

I am good at putting layers between me and people.  Various colors, fine lines, and thickness. Different levels of density and transparency. When the storm ends, it piles on like layers of snow or bands of a rainbow. I'm risk averse,  I put a thimble on when I sew, Adding cushion to my all-weather gear because I'm good at putting layers between me and people. Because 'cold' is an adjective for p eople too.