Enamoured that's for sure. The way you capture a room, it makes me want you. You make all the light in my life brighter. I was smiling, and I really enjoyed your company. 

Disingenuous. The only thing I see from people who I thought that really enjoyed my company. I smile with my eyes because egos are inflated. I shut my eyes close when you hit with your unpleasant behaviours. My brain sees your uglies and it shuts my words. I'm not shocked but restrained. Lately, when I'm to socialize, to bond, I don't feel anything from people. I don't enjoy myself. Everyone feels like someone who wants to take away from me. Take my time and energy. Everyone likes to treat me as some sort comedic relief. To fill out the emptiness with my humor, with my shame... It's really lame. I feel like people live really lame lives, and everyone competes to be the least boring person. My mind has shifted, I don't really understand what's wrong with boring. I like quiet now. Enjoying books. Walking around. It feels not disengenous, unlike everything and everyone. 

I didn't respect people who practiced self-promotion without putting in the effort needed to have tangible substance. Go be someone that's just not word alone. But now that I see the world for how it really is, I was naive. You can't expect to competence to get you anywhere in this supercritical world. The ones on top are just those above average levels of self marketing. Intelligence is about realizing that you play that game too. You can be the best player because unlike self glorified professionals you are an actual subject expert. You have foundation to stand on. Foundation to last. You can destroy any structure with right kinds of questions, question no one else asks. No one else can answer. 

How to better... 1. Remove all fo the noise and clutter, and focus on optimizing.  2. You need to treat yourself as if you are raw data to be used to tell a story. I want to be a story that captivates.  With less distractions, I see the path I must take. 

I had a dream about you. It wasn't eventful, but it was a good dream. You were smiling at me. Our eyes were locked at each. You felt so close to my face, and way beyond the threshold of my idea of comfortable, but I was relaxed. I can't deny that I am attracted to you. I want to see you in my dream and wake up thinking about you... That always happens when I have genuine feelings of love. I was utterly taken aback. I'm self-aware, so I know I have a pattern of behaviour, and this is one of them. I like you, and it scares me. I'm afraid of wanting you too much. 

I feel like I am bad for you. I feel like I can be the type of person that doesn't show up. I can be good in fleeting moments, but I'll never be that perfect stability. No one deserves to be with someone like that. I'm going to be better. 

Context, the author of our decisions. I act based on the information I gather. What I hear, what I see, how I feel. That's how my brain operates. That's how I protect myself from hurt and disappointment. I use logic. It seems that, despite what I heard about how you view me. You don't act in a way that would make those accounts true. I guess I was at fault for not going to the source. I conducted a few experiments and tests, all of which came to a false positive. In that binary regression I came to same conclusion. False. You don't like me that way, and nothing has really changed. I have been feeding into this bottomless idea. With my independent thought, I think I'm finally deciding that you are more bad than good for my wellbeing right now. I'm going to find something or perhaps someone that will hold onto 'the special' I make for them. 

It's been really hard for me to tell you just how much I really miss you. You are so busy these days. I wish I could I see you more. When they say distance makes the heart grow fonder, they weren't lying. I miss seeing you smile, hearing you laugh, being confused about references I don't really get but eventually learn to love. The ones you teach me. Your presence makes me feel good, the kind where good seeps out of me to other aspects of my life. I really miss you; a lot more than I expected. A lot more that what I thought my person could feel. I can't wait to be with you. 

I feel more and more like I'm insignificant as days pass me by. I have this pressure to run faster that way I lose don't grasp of life.