I think from an outside perspective, I'm pitiful. It's not self imposed, It's context. I don't believe that to be my story. I'm not someone people should feel bad for. I want to be someone known for joy, and known for love. Someone that's selfless. 

So much unnecessary distraction. All because I thought there would be joy there. 

I feel like I am a burden to you. I feel like you see me as someone who just can't seem to leave you alone; someone you can't shake off.  I fear I overwhelm you. Giving you pieces of my art, you have no space for.  I contantly feel like I get in your way. Getting in the way of what you really want, whatever that may be. Wants I'll never understand or know.  I'm contantly trying to adjust, trying to change, that way maybe you would seek my my company. I'm in this constant hope that you would call out to me, but you never do. I have trying my best to be your ideal but I'm beginning to think it's unachievable. I keep learning, thinking, adjusting, and critiquing but it has all been futile. I can't be anyone other than my faulty self and my lack of seriousness.  I don't want you to feel like you can't shake me off. Especially, when disappearing is my greatest trick. I don't want to be in your space if you don't want me to. You don't find ...

Loss. It's hard because, it trickles down. Like hard rain. Like tears. Like uneasiness of insomnia. It's hard because you don't just lose them, you also lose a piece of who they were in your life. It's hard because, why didn't you appreciate them more when they were present? It's hard because we all say 'there's peace there', but it's our way of masking our uncertainty. Masking our worry. It's hard because we force acceptance over unimaginable pain. Love like loss is the consequence.

One of my earliest memorie are of beautiful black and white marbled butterflies. They would flutter about is a certain magical way. That was my first sense of a deeper appreciation and celebration of life. It saddens me to think that people lose sight of their own marbled butterflies; to no longer want to love life. There's a deep sense of pity, and a harrowing guilt. Where are we while they are in agony? While they're are in pain. It only takes one person to bring them into a field flowers, and yet, we fail. To the few who might see this, please check up on your loved ones. Remind them how beauitiful life can be.

I do my very best to analyze the social dynamics in a group. I act accordingly in order to make everyone feel good and feel seen. Sometimes though, I think to myself, I should just try to have fun. 

I think about all the ways things can go wrong. I never give myself enough room to breathe. Constantly in this preventative action. I pressure myself into being present for the people I care about. Making sure everything is good and everyone is well. I do it even when I know I should rest. I want to meet someone where I don't feel the need to perform. That I can go for days at a time where I am quiet, but know when I come back. Love and understanding will be there. 

I want to take my time to love thoroughly. To build trust slowly. To get to know you and what love means. 

If I were split in two, and I could see me from the perspective of you... I would be very sad. Why do you put yourself in that situation? You're hyperaware and deeply paranoid so why does your heart hurt? You know to self preserve, and yet you love like a cookie jar. Giving until your empty. Giving,  hoping to see a smile. You have been doing eveything you can, and yet... we don't feel any sense of acomplishment. We don't ever feel like we reach a milestone. Let's just dissappear again. It doesn't feel safe to be around this. To be around emotions that are so volatile and chaotic. 

 What am I to you?

I'm always thinking about everything. I am just going to let things happen as they happen. I am realizing nothing is really in my control besides my own judgements and perceptions. If something doesn't go my way, then whatever! I am not gonna dwell on things that would break me down even more. I am not a person of negativity or hate. I think peace is not caring but with tact. 

I feel like I hold off on a lot of things because you've created a space where I don't feel safe. 

Once again I find myself conflicted. I feel like it's because I see it in too many forms. It appears differently for everyone and shimmers differently too. I look at what I'm holding, and it doesn't shine brightly as others. There's no intensity. The light is faint and cool. I'm conflicted...sometimes bordering frustrated. I don't think I can change how I feel. I'm the strangest person I know. I think if I were to be more conventional, love wouldn't be so hard. 

Having to do so much is so overwhelming. I don't know if my reaction to action items is normal. I get overwhelmed to the extent where I find it all delibitating. I can't seem to get started, and the idea of starting demotivates me.

Distance of a friend. Emotionally distant. Giving little. Expecting little.

I dwell too much on unimportant things and unimportant people. Things and people that deem me unimportant. I know I am great but I forget that around them. I want to cleanse myself from everyone who doesn't see me the way I should be seen. I'm not saying this out of vanity. I'm saying this out of self-love because I think I deserve more. I give and I give and I give. I never complain and I never pout. It's time for me to change again. Yeah, let's change again. 

I don't understand myself. I feel like I have this unbreakable barrier that keeps me from openning up to people. To be vulnerable, and to allow for love.