I don't know how to process my feelings for you. It felt easy to understand at first. I liked your perspective, and I liked my perspective too.  I was captivated by how you are. Enchanted by all the beauty of your person. Your kindness to me. Your wit. Your depth. I liked how you made me feel. I liked that I felt a drive to seek you. I told you that.  It felt easy to understand at first; my feelings. Now it's a mystery. For a long time I was unyielding. People would often question me and it lead me to question myself.  Why are you persistent of someone full of uncertainty? It felt like me to do so. Uncertainty is an optical illusion of 'yes and no' driven by our own subjective bias of reality. All I saw was 'yes'. That was enough for me to stay. The subtly of your charm kept me close. I observed you for quite some time. Long enough to see the 'no'. Gradually my arms grew tired carrying a heavy heart. I realized I lack the capacity to carry your uncertain...

At some point everything will click. I know that to be true. I'm not scared of being lost. I'm scared of being fixed in a place I am unhappy to be in. I don't want to be that off piece in a mosaic. To be questioned when the art is oberseved. Moss green, and iridescent. A fixed, unmoving, ugly, out-of-place mass. Taking up space. Taking up room. At some point everything will click, and I hope I find that state of mind to be happy where I am. Perhaps even find beauty in standing out.

I have ambition like cement that never dries. Cement you can never use. Cement that's never concrete. 

I was running and I came across a giant cavern between me and the path ahead. I am displaced. I don't know where to be and where to go. I took a detour to feel the mountains, beaches, and amusement parks. Seen all sorts of wonderful and unwonderous things. However, I find myself in front of this impossible cavern. Stagnant, and unmoving. A bridge is a simple concept but constructing one sturdy enough for all the things I hope to do is an incredible feat. I know what needs to be done, I just don't know how to start. Am I somebody who is capable of making something great?

I'm going to stop trying to read people's minds , and take their actions, words, and lack of for what they are. Does it hurt me? Does is serve me? When I try to mind read I realize that all the oncoming information goes through my filters. My own belief system and insecurities . I can't make out other's thoughts because those are a reflection of my own thoughts . Thoughts that are highly negative most times. I am a villain to myself . The sooner I can dismantle that lens, the sooner I can grow to be the person I meant to be. A happy person, all of what I hope to be.

I think regrets are part of being human. I carry heavy regrets, and I'm ashamed of them. Homework. I tuck them away somewhere; somewhere I don't have to look too far. I have the kind of regrets that leave marks on the upper traps. The kind that alters my body, and mind. Heavy books for a frail frame. Regret. The person that changed everything. Guilt. The distant friend. Often, I wish that I had the kind of stability that prevented me from hurting you. I am happy to have regretted you. I learned a lot. If you were meant to see a person again, you will.