When things don't work out for you. You just have to pivot. 

Aimless and uncertain

I feel easily irritable right now. I am not even too sure what's making me feel this way. I think it's because I'm scared that opening doors and moving forward means completely closing doors to other outcomes that I may be more happy with. It's strange. It makes me wonder if I'm on the path of failure; A life that's lonely and unfulfilled. Who comforts you when you feel like this?

The thing about people who tend to show animosity or jealousy towards me, I don't really think about them all that much. Not out of cruelty, I just don't have an ounce of interest in their lives. I'm an oracle that reveals that truth about people. The truth means vulnerability, and people don't want to see the truth. I never wish for everyone to like me. I just avoid people that won't add any value to my higher existence. 

My mind is thirsty—like soil parched without rain. When knowledge comes, it doesn’t just settle; it permeates, seeping into every crack and layer. It rushes through me like a flash flood, unstoppable and alive. I yearn to absorb it all—from the smallest intricacies to the deepest rabbit holes, down to down to the very words of esoterica 

 I feel terrible when I argue with people about them potentially making a bad decision by not completely thinking it through. I feel like they perceived my concern as an attack, but i really just want the best for them.

I work hard to create the outcomes I envision. It frustrates me when results don't match my expectations — it nags at me constantly, like a pounding drum in my gut reminding me I've fallen short. The sound is so loud and the vibrations so violent that they make me want to vomit. I feel this often, and I rarely try to unpack it because I never thought it was unusual. I'm slowly realizing that whatever keeps me from peace isn't normal. I want to learn ways to cope with the inner tension between my human self and the impossible god I've created in my head.

I haven't wrote about anything in a while. I have been so busy with a lot of really exciting things. I'm happy be blessed with such wonderful people in life. People who support me, and love me.

It gives me fulfillment like nothing else quite does. 

The external world has a lot of influence on how I view myself. More than it needs to. More than it should.  I don't put in enough work to cultivate the garden in my inner world. I think that's why a lot of things make me insecure .  I have attached my self-worth to others' opinions of me. I take myself for granted, assuming people wouldn't notice my flowers.  My little corner of the universe is beautiful. No one has to care other than me for that to be the truth.  Someone once told me they admired my lack of insecurity .  The sureness in myself. The confidence in my decisions.  If they only knew...I am not that person. Not yet, but I know I can be.  Let people do as they please... Let people say what they want... Let people be free... All because you love yourself enough to let them. 

If anyone can do it, I can. I will conceptualize these visions of grandeur . I can capture it! I can paint it!