jpenseur; Introspective Personal Journal, Poetry, and Anthology.

Don't participate is your active exploitation.

I feel like for the longest time I have trying my very best to like everyone else. Out of loneliness? Perhaps. Whatever the case may be, I'm going to stop pretending to care about things I don't really. It takes up too luvj room in my mind. To be this and to be that. To say this. To not say that. It's too much unnecessary noise and clutter. 

 I look at myself from an outside place and I don't know who I'm looking at. When I see who I was and who I am now, I feel that I have lost someone important. I wonder if we will ever meet again.

Its funny how we realize after something is gone that that we had things really good. For the longest time I was chasing this ideal life. I was convinced that I needed it as some sort of ladder for my pyramid of fulfilment but now that I got what I thought I wanted. I was actually better off without. Life felt like life before all this chasing. 

Sometimes the world hits you with circumstances that challenge your sense of security. Everything warps around you, and you find yourself alone in your own thoughts. Why of all things this? Why me? Woe is me. You crumble in your pursuit of answers. The thing about life is, when it's good you don't think about measures and backups for when it gets shitty. It's hard to cope. It's overwhelming. It's a stew of so many emotions. I don't have the answers to fix whatever broken inside myself or the world. However, I'm putting blind faith in the one thing my mother knows and stands by with all her chest. Bad and Good are always in a race, but Good will always stand on top. 

A sad reality of this world is, good people never win. 

There's a sense of community in taking public transit. Especially when there's this mutual understanding of a shared space. You are kind and respectful of others. It's odd but it feels warm. 

 I need to make a change. I will make a change. I will achieve all of it. 

 They are in a relationship with projections 

Life is very lonely. It's sad when you learn that later is life because, you were such an optimist. You had confidence. You carried yourself under this idea that you have so much love behind you should you fail and fall. Life is very lonely to a lot of people. 

I don't feel at all like it would have led to anything meaningful now. I have been picking at myself for not pouring enough care or love for people. I did things that I would never normally do for other people. I made exceptions out of love. I feel like I meant to feel pain and accountability for prioritizing myself for once. My needs were not being met. I should have told someone; I didn't. I don't like talking people down. I disengaged because I no longer felt safe to be entirely myself and not being criticized. I feel like a sunflower plucked for someone's purple bouquet.

The frame has been off for quite sometime. You don't notice when life is hectic. I have some room to breathe now, and so I think it's about time I get that frame right. Get the image aligned. 

 My emotions can be very intense at times. I am grateful that I have restraint, and that I'm not explosive in how I choose to conduct myself.

I think what I'm well aware of, but what others seem to struggle to understand, is that my actions are almost always aligned with what I believe a neutral third-party observer would perceive and feel. My decisions are based on objective reasoning—whether the average person would consider something good or bad. Emotions sometimes influence my actions, but only rarely. 

There are people I run across in my life that hold importance despite our brief meeting. They greet me witn fleeting pleasantries, conversation, and scope of mind. They like to be seen, and care to be heard.  I just know. They have pent up feelings, and problems intertwined. They don't ask for help, and you're never owed a call to action. However, there's a voice inside thay calls you to help. You give your time like loose change. You look them in the eyes and say "thank you, it was a pleasure talking to you." And you wish them luck for the rest of their lifetime. Time and recognition, things that keep people good people.

Why would I be in despair, when I know my weight in gold? When I'm so sure of who I am? I know the space I take up, and the void I fill for others. I hold my value because I have curiosity, complexity, and nuance. I care to learn to learn to care. I am one of one, and once in a lifetime. My energy, heart, and mind. All my own, and all with so much love. I know I'm not any better or in have any of these in excess, but I know I am a different experience. I know that no one else can replicate who I am. So truly and humbly, to lose me is to lose.