jpenseur; Introspective Personal Journal, Poetry, and Anthology.

You can love people but it doesn't necessarily mean it's good for you to be around them. You will convince yourself that 'that's just how things are between us' or 'it's the dynamic'. I'm sorry to say this to you but that's tolerance. You see it as love but reality is, its never self-love. It's a disservice to you. Why stay when it's not what you want or are looking for? You feel lonely anyways. 

Today is a beautiful day. I shared my blessings with so many people. To be given the opportunity is a blessing in itself. It feels warm. It feels good to the heart. It feels like a new chapter for the soul. 

I'm practicing being more unconcerned with things that I percieved hold meaning to other people despite really not being the case. People are more self-centered than you realize. Knowing that, you can be more free. 

I'm pushing myself to be more comfortable with my own skin. I feel that I can be very self conscious about what I look like. I think I have created an image in my mind of who I am that is misaligned with who I really am. I'm trying to have less of a mask. I'm wanting love myself more by embracing my percieved flaws no matter how uncomfortable or embarrassing that may be. Most people are curious not judging. If they are judging you, what grounds do they really have? Its not about erasure now. It's about acceptance.

The conclusion that I have come up with is that I need a clean slate. I need to just release myself from everything I feel tied down to. 

It's never going to be you all the time, and that's okay. To accept that is to unveil your humility. It's clear. 

Gold is malleable. A precious metal that appreciates the more time and energy you put into refining it. Lustrous in its ability to reveal who people are, it holds its value. This is how I am choosing be. Choosing to see. Potential. Not hindered by a limiting belief, I can be whoever I want to be. Midas hands on my temple my mind is made of gold. Look deep into my thinking, and let go of what you hold. 

A lot of it weighs on me. 

The disparity lies in what I feel and what you think I feel when I leave you behind. I don't hold anything over you. You drift away and the sky is blue. When I leave, I  leave in my entirety. Completely displaced. Wholly new. A lonesome stranger you never knew. To be familiar is to be familiar with everything that had hurt me. It is all to say, that in my inner world, your existence is gone.

The sun feels nice on your skin when your bones feel like ice from everyday dread. The sun feels nice on your skin when your body is depraved of heat. The sun feels nice on your skin when your spirit lacks warmth. The air has body when the sun is out. Body against your skin—its been a long time since you felt good. Intimate. It feels close when she kisses you. It bring you life. She holds you where it hurts, and you suddenly feel better.