For the longest time I believed that I needed to find somebody I can raise up like a torch to feel fulfilled. I made it goal. Holding on to a person whose light will guide me to where I should be in all facets of life. I'm now living outside of that belief system. Everyone who I sought out to be my light never really glowed as brightly as I did. I can be so self-deprocating, dependent, and insecure that I muddy the lens from which I shine. Life must be dark when I choose myself over other people. It must be hard to grow sunflowers in the empty lot I used to be. You must grieve the moon you knew to be the sun. 

 I didn't do much of anything productive today. I just rested, but I feel bad for it. Objectively, it's very distopian that I'm conditioned to feel like this when I'm overworked. 

 Depression hates a moving target.

One day, I'll be someone people will not know. In some ways it's comforting. In other ways it's really scary and lonely. I'll chnage but I'll always hold the memories. 

I will have lots of tasks in the coming days. Friendly reminder, you CAN do it. You are intelligent, kind, witty, awesome, and hardworking. If you focus you CAN. 

 I wonder if I'll ever meet someone that is resonate with in a deeper level. I have been thinking about it's been so long since I felt love that reaches all corners of my soul. Love that's boundless, full, and complete. 

I have been pushing myself to do everything that I know will give me the satisfaction of accomplishment. It's been quite the adventure this past week. I am proud to say I can do it all. All the things I know to do exhaust me but I quickly get over it because  I know it will be worth it. Success reaches out its hand to me and I grip on it hard. 

I can't differentiate between being unlike myself and being too much like myself. I have gotten so used to being this ideal person that I feel like I lost myself a little bit. 

I find a lot of things people find normal to be quite difficult. To keep up with things and people. I find myself running away again from things uncertain.  There's a snake with a silver tougue in the middle of nowhere that tells me to stay where we are. Together in places no one sees or hears about. 'Stay away from them otherwiSssse you will bring unimaginable miSsssery!' 

I am grateful to be perceived as someone full of love and positivity. I am grateful in my availability to capture people's hearts and minds. I can we weak at times in all the nuanced of my being but I know I'll always have that love to fall back on. 

Never put up with lukewarm, and "most of the time". Look for consistency. Look for "always". Look for longevity. Look for things and people that add to your life.