I have decided. 

It's much easier to say that your busy than to admit you are lonely. I want more companionship in my life. Finding people to click with is hard.

Why do I have such a hard time letting go of relationships that make me feel so uneasy. Relationships where I feel like I'm fighting for space. It's terrible. I know there is a garden out there for me.  

In all my things to get done. It always seems to find room in my mind. There's a mass in my chest, and it weeps. 

We just can’t meet each other where we are, and you know what? That’s neither of our fault. 

I now understand why I carry so much passive sadness and disappointment. It’s because I give my honest love to people who are not able to hold and cherish it. I give it to people who have a hard time seeing its crisp edges—people who only hear its whispers. I tolerate hurt because I’m naïve. I believe that if I love honestly enough, and if I love hard enough, then someone will love me too. I don’t want to hold on to that disappointment anymore. I am choosing to free myself from shaky hands and conflicted minds. There is no fruit in this field. I am choosing myself this time.

My mind is hard to manage. It has a hard time deciding if life is good or bad. It's never in a state of balance. It chooses a side and it stays there for a while. Right now it's depressive, unpleasant, and painful. It keeps telling me I'm a sort of slow poison. That I'm disappointing. That I'm not someone people should be around. I have this urge to hide away. To be unseen. To be un-known. To be un-feeling.  I have gotten really good at showing people that I'm good. That I'm always good. A seamless cut between my insides and the outside. It makes me feel nauseous a lot of the time. It's not socially acceptable to be sad all the time yet I can be. No one knows me. No one gets me, and that makes me the loneliest person in the world.