I have not written anything in a while. I have not had the energy to. I have been feeling betrayed, not by anyone specific, but I guess just the world. It sounds overly dramatic but I have been having a hard time coping with how terrible people in this world can be.  I feel that the concept of merit is only afforded to people in power. People love to love people that can elevate them. In this world somebody like me has no power. Therefore somebody like me will always be, and will always feel alone.

No one knows me. No one thinks I am important enough to keep in their lives. I grow bitter each day. I get waves of the past reminding me how much neglect I actually faced growing up and am currently facing. There's been a lot of things that have surfaced that made me realize that I really have no one else in this world but myself. I need to create a life where I don't need to rely on anyone. Bonds mean nothing because no one is selfless. Everything is an act of self interest. I need to be more selfish to protect myself. 

I feel like I see people as a collection of patterns–like something to figure out. It's hard for me to hold onto patterns when I can expect what's coming. When there's no depth. I don't know, It just drains me to know that I'll be listening to the same music and following the same routine. I end up removing myself. The wood structure falls and I rebuild. 

I find myself always chasing for something. Chasing for meaning. I'm always in movement. I wonder if I'll ever feel the kind of relief that just puts everything to a halt. 

One and Two. The birds start chirping. That look in their eyes. Contentment. Love? The look when they admire — the look of a lover. A drowsy trance, a glance away from a dream-like state. As if they’re reading lullabies, songs inscribed along the surface of their soul. Soulmates? One and Two. Rhythm. Melody. Harmony. “Check, one, two.” You look at them. “Testing, one, two, three.” A subtle smile. They look content. The content. The content of a blissful life. A drop of sunshine — fleeting. Then the squawking. One, two, three. Then they look at you. One and Two. “What?” Three: “Nothing.”

I wonder if I'll ever feel the kind of unyielding affection for someone where  I'd forget my sense of self worth. Knowing my continual pursuit of self-development, I really doubt it. I'm never going to let myself be devastated but someone else's lack. I am more powerful that I let myself be. 

I feel burnt out. My mind if racing with so many things I should get done. All things that I could probably take my time to do. I have this glitch in my brain that constantly tells me to "GET THINGS DONE" pushing me to the corner where apathy and the uninspired collect. The pressure I put on myself stops me from achieving milestones in my life. Efficiency is good but to achieve excellence you have to be strategic and calculated. Don't burn yourself out, be consistent.