You do your best to keep me happy, to make up for the fact that you can't be with me? I appreciate your kindness, but this is the last thing I want. I never wanted you to suffer; the whole reason why I fell in love with you in the first place is that I felt it in my being to care for you; to nurture you. Think it through; there's no win for me in this situation. Let me paint the picture. You become distant, and I get sad. When I see you, I'm reminded of how I can't be with you; I get sad. When you see me, you feel heartbreak, and you get sad, which makes me sad. When I'm distant, you move on; I get sad. Don't try to make me smile; when you're suffering, it's counterproductive. I just wanted to be honest with my emotions; I was fully prepared for every consequence, even your "I know that wasn't what you expected." I want you to be happy. Okay? You have no obligation to me. Stay true to your words; how you're acting right now shows just...

Days move along, and I miss you less and less.  I don't try to look anymore, though I still anticipate.  I'm no longer excited when we are in a room together.  I'm nervous but in a different way. I guess you could say that I'm no longer fond of you. I'm now terrified; I don't know how to approach you. I'm falling out of love; sorry if that isn't what you want deep down. I took your words hard; I took your words like fact. Hard slap to the face. You're left alone with the consequence of your actions.

Hey, I have been finding the past days, weeks, and even months difficult. I need some sort of closure. There's been one incessant thing that's been bothering me. So I'm just going to ask you one question.  Do you want me to love someone else? 

Friends.  

I've been thinking about you. I think about whether I should try to find someone else to love. The more I let the thought marinate in my head, the less inclined I am to do so. I so badly want to talk to you about it, but I'm afraid you'll dismiss it. I want to ask you why we grew so apart. I want to ask if you do value me. I want to know if you'll ever change your mind. 

  It hurts the most when you are kind. But I'd rather you be kind and present than cold and nowhere to be. I still have the hopeful and naive mentality of 'Just be with me, and I'll promise to catch all the floating criticisms.'

  Maintaining everything in my life feels like I'm breaking my spirit; I'm scared I'll become some mindless drone, slowly rusting away from the mundane day-to-day life. 

I just realized that I shouldn't feel lost because my goal has always been finding happiness, and happiness can be found in all sorts of places; specifics shouldn't matter; specifics shouldn't sadden me!   

  Don't be self-sabotaging just because you're feeling a little bit under the weather. Don't be fragile. You always just harbour so much internalized hate from yourself and others. Release that kaleidoscope of emotion.

Feeling lost. I'm losing myself. I don't really know where to go from here. I don't feel loved by a majority of people; I'm tired. 

Sorry, right now, I'm too fragile to even think about it. I'll be emotionally unavailable for some time. I'm pretty tired. My life isn't just about this, you know. I need time for myself and the things real life requires me to do. Don't worry, though; in the back of my mind, I still care. Well, I'll keep trying to.

Learning more about myself, I realize that my attachment style mixes both avoidance and anxiety.  I'm reluctant to devote effort to a relationship with people, not because I hate them but because I feel uncomfortable. As much I long for connection with people, the idea that you can disappoint me or I could disappoint you scares me. I think I can't love someone if they are under the circumstances of a stranger; to love you, you need to penetrate a certain wall of intimacy. 

You fester the earliest in the morning. I'm hopelessly tranced by the mystery of love. 

  Hurt people hurt people; couldn't be more true. 

I look at what you listen to. It wraps my head with irrational thoughts like  "I love you too." False reports to a missing person case;  It sets my hopes ablaze. "I love you." I was engulfed with expectations. I die with the realization, That you listen to all sorts of songs, And I should look elsewhere.

 How miserable would it be to be somebody's contingency plan; I would never settle for that. 

 I'm so tired of trying to make sure everything is fine.

Born from a golden egg, You had the softest heart.  You grew up under the watchful eyes of those who would judge you. Groomed to walk in heavy shoes. You loved in secret; Stepping on the remnants of your shell. You are conditional,  Only in unknown places, where no one can see. When I was alone sitting on that rock, You approached me with unexpected warmth.  Covered under your wing, I was enamoured. The scenery stopped to admire. That day would have been perfect if it weren't for those watchful eyes. Those who would judge us. I would have kissed you. I should have kissed you. End.

  Why would you ask me questions like that? How can you be so unfeeling? Why would I want that? You know what I want. Leave me alone with your nonsense. 

  I've been researching how love is supposed to be. Everything was coherent and consistent with what I was going through; It reinforced my emotions and observations about you. However, during my look, a line of reasoning shifted my center of gravity. "because if you loved someone, why wouldn't you tell them." My conclusion is you don't love me. Or, unlike me to you, your love doesn't prevail in every context.

And just like that, you're meaningless. Another temporary insignificant piece of my life. 

  "Your words are powerful." It's not the fact that words come out of my mouth that makes them so powerful; instead, it's the fact that honesty hits every nerve—like a wave of shock to the soul.

I needed a couple of reasons to hate you anyway.  You are insensitive about how I feel; You always have been. I turned a blind eye to that because I love way too hard. You lack conviction. You cling to an apathetic facade to avoid real issues in your life. You only ever acknowledge me when I reach out to you. I don't remember you ever checking up on me or ever worrying about me. It's always one-sided.  You grow and grow more like a stranger as the years have gone. I don't feel like you appreciate my company anymore.  You could live your life perfectly fine even if I weren't around. I realize your life would probably be so much better if I weren't around anyways. You probably think that too. You act in the manner that annoys me the most; I always push the idea to the back of my head, but, you know what, I hate that you're selfish. I hate that I have to hear you talk about how you are so deprived of love when I could give you all the fucking love in the world. How...

I can't seem to see you as anything else other than that. 

  How about just looking at me? Can't you even look? Am I that distorted, disfigured? It's like a permanent marker, "undeserving," carved on my temple. Don't you care enough? Fine. 

I would be lying if I told you I took that picture just because I felt like it. A big part of me wanted you to see me; see me be in the best light I could be. Despite everything, I still want you to be taken aback.  Low.

  It was valuable at its peak. It has depreciated into what it is now. I realize it's not worth much, but I still hold on to the sentimental value. It's like the coins in my hand have stopped becoming currency, reduced to simply cool-looking throwing stones.

  Thanks for trying. I appreciate that. I kept it at that. I was a fool for thinking that was enough.

I was hurting. It hasn't occurred to me the possibility that it might be hard for you right now. It begs the question, am I tormenting you, or are you persecuting me? You know I would never want to harm, misuse, or dishonour you.  If this is what you need to do to preserve yourself right now, so be it. I was gracious. 

Too unsettled to do anything right now. I need to mend and reconstruct; only then is when I will feel ready.

When all of a sudden you are the object of desire, the thought of weaponizing gives me utter disgust. 

  Remember the root of it all, stop being so approval-seeking. You were satisfied. 8.9.21

There are days when people expectedly uplift you. Surprise! All of a sudden, you have a smile. These days are the warmest. 

Whenever there's someone new, I feel guilty. It's I'm like dishonouring you. I feel obligated to consider what the figment of you would feel. 

Is this what it felt like when I left? Is this what it felt like when I wasn't reliable when I wasn't there when you needed me? This feeling sucks. I'm sorry I made you go through all that.  Sorry, when I returned, my expectations were not realistic. I thought that you wouldn't grow sour; that was naive.  You've been gone a while, and I miss you. It feels like you're punishing me. I rationalize. I tell myself, you want space.  I get evil thoughts; the voice at the back of my mind says, you want to be rid of me because all I ever brought to you is misfortune.  You don't make me feel loved anymore. My mind floods with sorries; to apologize for notionless faults. A way to make things better. A way to travel back in time.  I feel like I'm not worth your effort anymore. Should I just cut the knot on this one? See where the tension leads? 

How did you rationalize that it was okay for you to do that to me? I should be upset, but a part of me knows that you were just looking for the fundamental need for happiness. I was the same. You tested the waters to see if I could've been the one. That was selfish of you because you knew I was doing the same. The result of our experiments came to a contrasting realization. You realize that the one was elsewhere when I found my one in you. 

Today feels warm. I took a walk around amass of birds and tropicals. I found my comfort zone in Maplecomb Amaretto. The day just started; I'm feeling good about it. 

I had a map that promised me a treasure. Spent days following a path set out for me.  Days grew to months, Months grew to years. Restless, impatient, tired. I thought about perseverance; Felt silly, here and there. I've come this far, but nothing showed promise. Felt too far gone.     In sadness, I tear my map. In retaliation, I took an excursion,

  I don't understand what you are feeling or thinking; all I know is I'm worried for you. I wished you had trusted me enough to let me know what was going on. Sadly, I can't expect you to give me that. I'm just here until you need me. I don't know if all this will expire; I just hope there are no losers from it.

  I can't stop thinking about you. 

I don't know why you put up with such an impossible feat; he said it himself. Expecting something that will never come to fruition. To come this far and stay so foolish, what a burden you are sometimes. 

Today, someone told me I had a secret admirer. I didn't know how to feel about it. People around me approached the idea with glee. I felt obliged to feel the same way, but... I can't seem to shake the idea of you. 

People can hide a lot of things but, actions... those are true. One reason why you are so confusing.

You put it in a box.  Only you have the key.  I won't seek or pry.  If you ever decide to give me the box,  along with your key.  I will wholeheartedly love whatever is inside. 

  I can't make this up. This pulsing feeling within me, it urges like a homing device. It keeps leading me to you despite all my attempts to be rid of it. What is it that you have that I can't seem to find anywhere else with any other person? I think maybe it's the fact that no other person has ever made me feel as warm as you make me feel. It feels like fate. 

When there's a shift in someone's energy, I tend to think I did something. I hate overanalyzing everything. 

I hope for you to know that whenever I was distant or seemingly disinterested, my only goal was that I didn't want to grow too attached. I knew it would be detrimental for both of us. I care about you so much that I made sure that I would never stand in the way of your goals, no matter how hurt I might become. I did all that for your sake, and it ruined me and our relationship. I was between a rock and a hard place. My mental state was being crushed. Eventually, I couldn't bear the weight, and so I figured that telling you would liberate me from all of it. When those words came out, I was crushed in a different way, the kind where I completely collapsed. Despite my initial sorrow, I saw good come out of the situation. I no longer have to carry such a large burden with a frail structure. I rebuilt myself; with a lot more durability and a lot more love. I have settled with what you could give me. My hope now is that I can win you back. I just want to see where that takes me, wher...

  I confronted it, I thought it would be over by then, but I realized I needed to confront the idea of moving on; I needed to heal the path I tramped along. Make amends to the people I hurt, either intentionally or unintentionally. 

Why are you still feeding into the idea? You are the loser; just get over it. Let the person be. 

What if all this time, you were looking for someone that was just in front of you?  What If all this time you were seeking something amiss,  chasing an idea rather than embracing happiness?  We can't seem to find our place in this circumstantial world.  We are idealistic people,  who let reality string us around.    

  You are genuinely kind. I just fell in love with...you; all of what you are. I'm wrong for thinking that you used me for your own validation. You do love me, just not how I want you to. It would be a lie to say I'm okay with that, but what can I really do? I can't just blow a candle and be with you. I want your unconditional love.  

Today I saw you, or at least I think I did. Maybe a figment of you? Anyways, I saw you with someone else; more of a stranger to me than you. I played the scenario in my head multiple times, and I thought I would feel okay about it, but I wasn't. I was unsettled, slightly green even. I'm a little frustrated because boundaries were set, but I can't seem to respect that. "Love conquers all," I guess? I'm ridiculous. Whatever the case, the conclusion has been and will always be "me." 

New concept. Pity friendship, where a person only hangs out with you out of pity.  I hate the idea of this. The last thing someone needs is superficial interaction. If you don't genuinely enjoy being around someone, don't force yourself to be there. 

I hate that you make me hate myself. I hate that you don't even want a conversation. I hate how you brush me aside and tuck me away. You make me feel invalidated and undeserving.