Comfort, kindness, stability, and warmth. When you checked up on me out of the kindness of your heart, I felt a sort of attraction to you. That was unexpectedly pleasant. It made me think about how great you are. To be so bright, beautiful, intelligent, selfless. I think you are amazing. I wish for you to find every little piece of greatness meant for you. Thank you for making me smile. My heart is open to love again. 

I wonder what made me so intrigued. What made me want to offer up my entire being to you? I heard somewhere that we seek in others what we lack in our person. It made me think deeply about what it was that was missing.  I think the biggest reason why, I had the hardest time letting go was because, for once in my quiet life someone finally sees and hears me.  Someone finally understand me, and shared the same longings and disappointments from life I only kept at the back on my mind.  I felt relevant in a life I deemed nothing but checkpoints and milestones.  I guess I longer need you to be there for me to stand tall.

All these things that try to remind me of my hurt always resurface when I'm feeling a lot better. I now think of all these reminders as pointless coincidences because my new found self-awareness nullifies any sort fixation I had with loving the wrong people, and hating myself. I made peace with all of it. Everyone's actions and words, including mine. I made peace with not knowing what everybody thinks of me. I made peace with the idea that I'm not a good person in everyone's eyes, even though I actively try to be. Even though I'm no longer the person you might long for, that doesn't mean I'm undeserving of love.

Why do you feel perpetually sad, hopeless and confused? Why do you feel like life is void of all meaning? You work hard because you're hopeful than by doing so, you'll figure it all out. But some days you question it all. Is there even a point to this? The lines are blurred between a meaning life and a busy one. 

These days, I have been so disenchanted by the idea of love. I have been realizing how weak it could be. How it buckles under pressure. How it's disappointing when you have so much hope for it. Love isn't what I used to think it is. It's just another concept human beings seem to have failed miserably at. Love is a utopia, and utopias don't exist. 

Where there is bigotry, there is hate. So many who claim to know the truth about the expanse of existence are the biggest culprits. Why does no one realize that it's all indoctrination? My free mind stands against any belief system driven by an unyielding argument that theirs holds the perfect image of utopia. To condemn people because they don't conform to your restricting views about the world is disgusting. To cut off your ears and your heart because your ego cannot accept the possibility that a sacred text can be fallacious. Disgusting. No amount of utilitarian-driven narrative can justify that hate. Why does no one realize all of it is one giant manual of how to be the perfect domesticated sheep. Docile and never questioning. I fear the dangers that loom around this groupthink. We need to actively dismantle these systems before they escalate into a manic sort of extremism.  There should be no room in this world for people so blinded and void of logic. When is it ever okay ...

I have this thing on repeat inside my head. For the most part, I learned to tune it down. But lately it's been pretty loud. In fact, blaring at times. It's this perpetual question, what do you want from life? To sit there, and think about that, and have no trajectory or answer at all is kind of terrifying. To not know what I want from life, is like jumping into a void. Looking everywhere but seeing nothing. Feeling nothing. Becoming nothing. What do you want from life? 

Thank you. 

I wish I can send out this mass mental signal or message to everyone I know that, I'm a lot different from the person they knew me to be. I'm less of a lot of things, but a lot more good. I put up a face just because, I don't want to disappoint them with the new me. It's really tiring trying to keep up with everyone's crystallized idea of who I should be. I have been thinking a lot about who I am, and I'm starting to think that maybe I'm the type of person that shouldn't have to pretend. Someone that has plenty, even without a person or two. 

 I never understood why some people find comfort in attacking other's character. If hurting someone is your only way of coping, then you need to reassess a few things in you life. Does how you act align with your morals? Or are your morals just to bedazzle your otherwise decrepit character? I am not the perfect being nor claim to have never done all these things, but I do actively try to check myself to ensure mistakes like this don't happen again. The guilt of hurting people is probably one of the worst things you can feel. Well... one of the worst things you should feel. 

 I don't know what changed, but lately, I feel very different from how I was. It might be a sense of maturity or a sudden epiphany of being more realistic. Whatever it is, everything clicked. I just fell into the right place. More so, what I think is right and what I feel is me. I find it odd because, usually, I'm really susceptible to small changes in my person, but it was almost undetected. Maybe this change is just so innate to what I was meant to be or so natural that I nearly dismissed it as me just being me. Anyway, this is a winded way of saying that I'm no longer my over-the-top self. I care less about people. All in really healthy doses. 

I was doing so good 

I'm doing my best define my success. Sometimes though, I catch myself dwelling on the parts of my life I'm insecure out. I question my self-worth a lot because I think to myself 'there's someone else out there in the world that has what I don't have'. I put a lot of doubt on my person and convince myself that I'm never gonna be like him or her because I just don't have the qualities they have. It's poison. I get into my head about how I'm always trying to keep my head above the water; that I'm lagging behind my peers... That I will eventually drown. Do I feel fulfilled? I think I have all the components to be fulfilled but I always feel that I'm missing something. I need to get into the habit of being content with what I have. 

For some time, I normalized the idea that their approval would make me happier or fulfilled. Having enjoyed my own company, I realized that giving them my time and energy only ever took away from my internal light. I have made a lot of mistakes but what I regret more is wishing things were the way they were. I regret ever talking down on myself because I chose to change. I feel better again. Happy. Better. 

There's people in my life that I feel is pointless to build any sort of relationship with. I realized it when I saw the lack of empathy whenever I was struggling. I realized it when my suffering became a display of comedy. For me to live a fulfilling life I just have to cut out all of the rot. I think for a long time I gave it my best shot to be understanding and patient but I have grown numb. Numb to the point where I see no future with them. Numb to the point where my life shines the brightest when they are not there to make shadows. To a lot of people this may be a bit harsh but to me, this has become completely sound. Gone with the rot. 

I feel this overwhelming pressure to change. There are people in life who are dependent on the fact that I change into their ideals. I have been doing my best to be that person for them, but they don't understand how hard change is. They think that steps to my personal growth are as easy as tangible steps; they need to understand how nuanced and involved it is to change. This is especially true for targeted growth. I don't want to lose myself in the process. I wish that the people who put these pressures on me empathize a little about how gentle and meticulous I tend to be. I want to make you all proud, so please just let me go at everything at my own pace.

I find myself alone again, though I'm not really sad about it this time. I have come to terms with the fact that people will come and go. Those who want to stay will make it known, and people who leave leave with good reason. People leave not always out of malice; it could be that they outgrow you or perhaps just feel that life is better suited for them elsewhere. A person of love has no expectations of commitment. A person of love doesn't seek control of another's autonomy. A person of love loves unconditionally. To all the people I love, thank you and be well.