A sort fixation I had with loving the wrong people, and hating myself. Part 1
Sound advice
How can someone expect you to treat others with kindness if you can't treat yourself with kindness?
"Be unassuming. Otherwise, you'll cry."
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Meaningless weed extremely root bound in your flower bed of perfect people.
Lately, I've been feeling extremely aggravated by how you've been acting. On the few occasions where we can interact, you make an effort to be avoidant. Why is that? What's the point of you being around if we aren't even trying to bond or get along? Am I just overthinking this? Am I simply jealous of what others have with you? You know, I've been very insecure about how I should go about approaching you; it feels like any wrong move will split us farther apart. I know you don't hate me, but I hate this stagnation in our relationship. The root of all this frustration is I can't seem to connect with you, and any effort to try will only make things worse. On top of all that, I think you're purposeful; and the knowledge of my fragility does not bother you. I started feeling like you don't want me at all in any context, like I'm a burden, worthless, just some meaningless weed extremely root bound in your flower bed of perfect people. I feel like an ...
Vincent van Gogh
Skeleton with a cigarette. We talk with no regret. My heart beats fast in a fishbowl. Yours evident from bone to bone. You bring joy from unexpected places. From texts to peculiar faces. I took a smoke to make some time. To wonder whether your question was benign. I go through the same eb and flows. The question of, am I in love? Or is it just the smoke?
Blurbs of Indication
Prayed for religion.
I had a dream that the world was ending. I don't know what that's supposed to say about my psyche. All I know is that this particular dream felt so real. The sequence of events that transpired felt true to the world we have right now. My consciousness starts off with seeing a small orb in the sky; after I would say about thirty seconds, it implodes into a moon-like object; seventy percent of the sky looked like terrain; I vividly remember its craters; it truly looked as though it was a projection of our moon through a magnifying telescope. It was beautiful. Despite the ordeal, not a single person was in a panic. Everyone was calm, living life as is. Unbothered by events that may/were to unfold. I had a conversation with a familiar yet estranged person in my dream; we talked about how 'it's only going be a couple more hours.' I knew exactly what that meant; we were going to die. The scene then skips to the part where this conglomeratio...
The Martyr
I am always apologizing for my feelings. Always giving more than what's good for me. Acts. Always the martyr. Someone who is never at fault and always devout. False. I am forever condemned for knowing and seeing more. Holy, you preyed on that. You are false in every sense. Unfeeling. How could you make me carry it all? How dare you indulge in my love and present me with disdain. You have wronged me. May days be dry and lifeless. May thirst and hunger plague. May the mind run wild, driven to insanity. The soul that never finds peace. Agony. Despair. Guilt. Revelation. Confess your sins. It's always his forgiveness. False.
You can hate me.
My words were strong, powerful, harsh even, but it was from deep within my heart. I'm always just someone you think about when you have to. If you only acknowledge me when we're face-to-face, I would rather not be acknowledged by you at all. There was never a time where you tried to reach out to me, it was always just me who made an effort. It felt exhausting wanting attention from you. The more we spoke, the more you unraveled. I started questioning whether you only keep me around because you like the attention. I spent many days questioning my value to you. The longer the thought marinated in my head, I realize that objectively, we add very little to each other's lives. We make each other happy, but that's not enough in this world. You would be so much better off with people that can build you up, and that works both ways.
You make room.
I hope for you to know that whenever I was distant or seemingly disinterested, my only goal was that I didn't want to grow too attached. I knew it would be detrimental for both of us. I care about you so much that I made sure that I would never stand in the way of your goals, no matter how hurt I might become. I did all that for your sake, and it ruined me and our relationship. I was between a rock and a hard place. My mental state was being crushed. Eventually, I couldn't bear the weight, and so I figured that telling you would liberate me from all of it. When those words came out, I was crushed in a different way, the kind where I completely collapsed. Despite my initial sorrow, I saw good come out of the situation. I no longer have to carry such a large burden with a frail structure. I rebuilt myself; with a lot more durability and a lot more love. I have settled with what you could give me. My hope now is that I can win you back. I just want to see where that takes me, wher...
Mind Reader.
I'm going to stop trying to read people's minds , and take their actions, words, and lack of for what they are. Does it hurt me? Does is serve me? When I try to mind read I realize that all the oncoming information goes through my filters. My own belief system and insecurities . I can't make out other's thoughts because those are a reflection of my own thoughts . Thoughts that are highly negative most times. I am a villain to myself . The sooner I can dismantle that lens, the sooner I can grow to be the person I meant to be. A happy person, all of what I hope to be.
The story
If you read me, here's the story... left hanging, I was engulfed with rage and fury for those who take my love and leave others empty. I told myself, 'Fine, you don't deserve my voice'. I built an electric fence because I took offence. When I look at you. All I can see is all the hurt you brought to me.