Once again, I am full of my own company. I have plenty of time to find distractions. Perhaps fashion could complement my acting. I could get really good at smiling and laughing—so good you don't even think I feel sadness. I can go on nature walks, maybe a couple of cafes. I have plenty of time. 

Something like this would surely shut me down, but I am not in a position to indulge in sweet retreat and isolation. I don't have time to be sad, to cry, or have outbursts. I can't afford a reaction. I don't have the energy to spare in proving myself worthy of someone's love and attention. I am at my wits' end. I have been here before, and because of that, this will be the only thing I will give to this situation. 

I feel bad right now, but not the kind of bad that's ensuing. The feelings haven't been fully realized and haven't fully hit me. I think I understand now. When clear signs are delivered by an unclear person, they become unclear signs. I'm hurting for two reasons. 1. The apparent separation and splitting of the heart. I didn't know pears could cut you like a knife. 2. I didn't realize just how poisonous my company was. I'm reasonable. I would have given you grace and walked away if you had told me. I could have started sulking and moving on earlier. 

I have this worry that, at some point, I'll lose my charm, hook, novelty, or whatever aspect I have that makes you attracted to me. I am scared that without all the sparkle I put on, you won't really like what's underneath. I think sometimes I don't believe I'm deserving of love because I see myself in such a negative light. Under all these superficial layers of positivity and loud chatter, my self-concept is: I think I am a very ugly person, someone who can't fit a mould, someone who can't love properly, someone who shouldn't be loved. I want to be someone better for you. The idea of living up to this higher standard I created is very daunting, but I'll do it for you. I just don't want my self-perceived shortcomings to ever drag you down or take your light. I want the best for you, and I will do my very best to love myself a lot more and give you all the love you deserve. 

Anxious. 

I strive to be somebody who is beyond ordinary capability. Someone that always has answers to their worries and anxieties. Somebody always that gets everything they set out to do done. And 'done', not ordinarily, but with thought. Someone that captures life and has a firm hold of it. 

 A ring; precious, easy to hold onto, easily lost.

I was thinking to myself today, if someone acts in a manner towards you that's unconcerned, they care very little about you. And it doesn't matter what they really think or feel about you. You, as the recipient, only have the signals they give you. You take things as they are. Reading between the lines or finding a deeper meaning is pointless self-torment. If  someone acts in a manner towards you that's unconcerned, they care very little about you.

I don't like volatility in my relationships. I have been in situations where all unwarranted words and action have torn me apart. If I see a path to peace of mind I'll follow it. The only reaction I can give to somebody who disrupts my ego is withdrawal. I will disappear from you without any feelings of doubt or remorse. It will be hidden under the guise of 'drifted apart.' That's the kind of evil I am. 

You always think you know what people want. You never really do. You try to control everything like you have the power to. You don't. You are as you are, and everyone is as they are. Stop trying to understand people like you can sum them into an algorithm. Let things be as you see because there's no real guide to how you're supposed to live anyway, nor is there a measure for success. Live truly. 

I guess this person just really likes their own space. That's fine, I could give them that. I'll just do some of the things I really love. 

I was pondering about why I feel the need to shell and distance myself from you. That vulnerable expression of affection and promise to commit myself to you feels like entering a dark room. It's scary, and I feel this internal pressure to be brave despite not knowing the dangers that lie ahead.  You are the dark room, and it's a lot easier for me to avoid you than face you. My coping mechanism for a lot of pressure in my life is to typically run away and find somewhere safe. I think I need to dismantle that because there are some things I shouldn't run away from. Some things are worth working through. Committing is more than just beautiful words.

  After having my feelings known, I started feeling anxious about all the moving parts of committing myself to someone. I have been pretty apprehensive about showing my affection because I don't want to overstep a boundary between us. It feels like navigating my way through a land mine. I have been withholding love, and it doesn't feel good. I guess some deeper part of me wants more from the person I love, but I also understand that love isn't something to demand. I really just have to work through these feelings.

I think about it way too much. I don't think it's good for me. I fell in this trap of wanting affection from someone who can't give it to me. It's my own fault for not being able to control my desires and emotions.  I think some time away would be good for me. I'll think about my self worth a little more; maybe think about how convenient I am. Maybe I don't want be readily accessible. Maybe by I don't want to be in this power imbalance. Maybe I'll change my mind. It's all very volatile in my head.  I have been thinking about the paradoxical concept of making the perfect person wait for you. It's all just so confusing. I guess there's some complexities there; maybe the fear of heartbreak; maybe the fear of commitment. Perfect is infallible and so you would imagine that there's no uncertainties. I guess not, there's no perfect person; maybe better ones, but never perfect. 

A fear that lingers in the back of my mind is, will I able to provide my future partner a fulfilling romantic life. It just seems so disappointing to be stuck with someone who can't satisfy your emotional needs. Subjectively, I think I have the tendency of sweet abandon. Staying and working through things is so volatile and uncertain. It's terrifying. 

I find myself wondering if you truly do mean I am the type of person you look for in a romantic partner. There's security in knowing I am because that takes away from the volatile idea that I can be easily replaced or is a placeholder for somebody else. I wonder if your response was clear about how you feel or if you covered your mouth with a pillow when you said it. Am I too naive to think you're the type of person who chooses true honesty versus a softened one? Is emotionally unavailable a euphemism? I'm choosing to believe in true honesty; as risky as it may be, it's worth it. I'll wait until you feel comfortable enough to let me in, and I won't press or pressure you. A love worth waiting for.

This is the first time in my life I felt that communicating my thoughts and feelings truly cleared the air. Truly brought me to peace.  For the first time ever, I didn't need to put guards up or surround myself in a shroud of overthinking anticipation. I felt safe and secure. For the first time, talking didn't leave me more confused than when I started. For the first time, I don't feel nauseous about expressing my problems and needs. Everything had a proper conclusion, and it didn't feel like an attack on my character. We worked through it together. I'm astonished. That was euphoric; I felt that I had healed a part of myself that was so betrayed by communication. That is so betrayed by my emotions. For the first time ever, I don't feel like the problem. If it's the right person, you don't feel like the problem. 

I think I'm going to start living a more reserved and private life. I used to think that value in life equates to the sum of positive perceptions from everybody. I now feel that value comes from a select few people that you value. When you pick out notes from all the noise, that's when you make beautiful music. 

I admire you but I can't help but feel anxious. It's just that, I know who I am, and I know I'm person that strives to be a good person. However, good is subjective. I worry that I am not acting in your sense of 'good'. Now I have this dilemma of whether my actions should reflect your interest and what makes you happy or whether I act as I am. I'm scared to ask you to communicate with me. 

There's this strange feeling of longing when you like someone. It's like a yearning that other people can't satiate except the one that holds my love. I find myself thinking about that person throughout my day. I wonder if that person feels the same way. 

I am enamoured by you. The more we spend time together, the more I realize the importance of establishing a secure foundation for our relationship. Yes, I can without a doubt say I am attracted to you. That's all wonderful and all but attraction alone doesn't fuel longevity. I read somewhere that a great romantic relationship stems from a great friendship. Following that advice, I'm trying to just take things slow, enjoy your company, and get to know you a lot more. To me, this is love. One that I can build. One that I can grow. I see something special, and I want to approach this with a lot of care.

I want to be someone that is so full of love  that it swallows and encompasses all of what makes people despondent about life and about themselves. I want to shine brighter, to burn warmer, to always be the person I need me to be. For the future, I will do my best.